


Skin & Bone (Break My Heart)

by endlessandinfinite



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: And it's adorable, But not super a lot, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Isak calls Even Blue Eyes, Isak has a dark past, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Unsafe Sex, because I love doing that to him apparently, but Even is cute and charming and Isak is smitten, my poor baby Isak, slight angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-07-13 13:25:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16018847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endlessandinfinite/pseuds/endlessandinfinite
Summary: Isak is sleep walking through life. Running from the past and hoping tomorrow doesn't come. He doesn't do emotional attachment. He doesn't do sweet and sappy and cute. He doesn't do relationships.Until he meets a certain blue eyed boy with an infectious smile and loud laugh...who doesn't give up so easily.





	1. Please Don't Fall in Love with Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, hi! 
> 
> I got the idea for this story while I was on hiatus and I really loved the idea. I already have 6 out of the 10 chapters written so the updates should be coming quickly :) 
> 
> This story definitely has a bit of angst because it wouldn't be one of my stories without it! But a lot less angst than Crash Into Me.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> .
> 
> Jenn is my lovely editor and she is so fast and awesome <3.
> 
> .
> 
> Also, check out the song Break My Heart (Don't) by Shane Stokes which helped inspire this fic.

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_Break my heart,_

_Please just don’t break my heart,_

_Popping pills from the start._

 

_....._

 

Isak is fucked up. Like really, really fucked up. He’s been fucked up since he got here. Since he walked through the door and someone with mischievous eyes and a loud laugh slipped a pretty little pill onto his tongue.

The music is loud and the people are all love-drunk. Silly-happy and high on more than life. They have sad eyes and open hearts. Quick thoughts and loose lips.

Isak’s skin is tingling and his tongue is numb. He feels someone touch his hair. He lets his head roll lazily to the side and smiles when he sees Eva plop down next to him. She runs her fingers softly through his curls and smiles as her eyelashes bat.

“Hey baby,” he whispers in a slur.

Eva laughs as she places a wet sloppy kiss on his red-burning cheek.

Isak’s smile grows. Eva is best-friend-goodness. She keeps Isak sane and rational in a world that is anything but. She hugs him tight and holds him when he needs to cry. She lets Isak be himself. Even if he’s more fucked up than she could ever imagine.

“What are you on?” she asks, just genuinely curious.

“Who cares?”

Their laughs match.

Eva’s dark curled hair is pulled back into a high ponytail and her cheeks are rosy pink. She’s beautiful without knowing. Her lashes are glitter covered and her eye makeup is dark.

“Jonas is here,” Eva says, blinking at her best friend. Her eyes are lost.

Isak groans.

Fucking Jonas.

Eva and Jonas have been on and off again since they were kids in high school. Their most recent end came just a few weeks ago. It was a never-ending nightmare.

Not that Isak didn’t like Jonas. He actually did. He liked him a lot. He was happy and kind. He made Isak laugh and loved to skate. In fact, Isak was friends with Jonas first.

Isak liked Jonas well enough but Eva was Isak’s _best friend_. Isak would do anything for this girl. He’d give his own life just to make sure she’d never hurt. And Jonas hurt her. Not on purpose, never with malicious intent. But he hurt her nonetheless. Eva’s heart constantly ached.

Isak reaches up and touches his friend’s cheek, gliding his knuckles over the soft skin.

“You wanna go?” he asks.

Eva rolls her eyes. She covers her pain.

“No,” she scoffs, “I was just warning you.”

“Why the fuck would I care?”

Isak loses most of his sweetness when he’s high. Normally he would roll his eyes and tuck Eva beneath his arm and tell her it was okay to hurt at the sight of her ex.

Now, he didn’t.

“Fuck you, Isak,” Eva spits in his direction, batting his hand away.

He laughs.

He closes his eyes and sinks back into the soft, dusty couch beneath him. He’s so warm, so comfortable. His head spins. His mind is so blissfully blank.

“Whatever you say, Princess.”

“I don’t even know why I try to fucking talk to you when you’re like this.”

Isak’s eyes blink open and he looks up. Eva’s face is slightly blurred and her eyes are angry.

“Like what?”

“Fucked up.”

“I’m always fucked up.”

“I know.”

And then she’s gone. She leaves Isak there alone in his own world. His mouth is dry and his skin feels soft. He lets his head get lost in the beautiful feeling swirling through his mind.

His eyes close again and he tunes out everything around him.

He feels like his body is floating.

He loves this feeling. This feeling of nothingness. This feeling of freeness. This feeling is everything.

Isak is such a shit friend. But he knows that once the darkness of the night disappears and the truth sneaks up in the morning, that Eva will forgive him. She always does, even when she shouldn’t.

Isak is a shit fucking friend.

.

.

.

Morning is Isak’s least favorite time of the day. And that’s saying a lot since Isak doesn’t really find pleasure in anything.

His head is pounding and his eyes are dry.

He remembers most of last night. He popped two more pills after Eva left his side and did three shots of a liquor that burned the back of his throat and numbed him in the most beautiful way.

He stumbled into a bedroom where Julian sucked his dick and Isak didn’t return the favor.

Julian is now beside him, snoring lightly. The sun creeps through the curtains and highlights the boy’s sharp cheekbones.

Not even Isak can deny that this boy is pretty. He’s soft and kind and his eyes always hold sweetness.

He’s also hopelessly in love with Isak. He has been since high school. Isak always thought it was cute. But Isak didn’t do relationships. He didn’t do love. He didn’t have it in him. Not anymore.

Isak hurt Julian’s heart in the same way that Jonas hurt Eva’s.

It’s shit. But it’s the truth.

Julian knows how damaged Isak is but he’ll take him any way he can. Even if it meant only getting to touch him in dark rooms for sloppy hookups and liquor littered kisses.

Isak rolls out of bed lazily, his limbs feeling like they weigh a hundred pounds each. He stands unsteadily on his feet and stretches. His joints crack and pop.

“Good morning.”

Isak didn’t even notice Julian’s snoring had stopped.

He turns around to see Julian sitting up on the bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

His chest is bare and littered with sun-kissed freckles. His eyes are golden in the sun and his hair is sleep ruffled.

“Hey,” Isak says back. He begins to search the room for his missing shirt. He buttons up his jeans as he goes.

“Last night was fun,” Julian says.

He’s lying. Last night hurt him. Isak let him touch him, kiss him, bring him pleasure. And that’s all it was to Isak. Quick and meaningless and a way to get off.

Julian could have been replaced with anyone and it would have been the same to him. And Julian knows that.

Isak looks under the bed, behind the door, inside the closest.

“Yeah,” Isak nods, his words are careless and meaningless just like most of his actions. “We should do it again some time.”

Isak spots his shirt hanging from the lamp across the room.

He doesn’t look at the sad boy on the bed, but Julian’s eyes follow him. Isak can feel his gaze and his skin crawls with guilt.

“The next time you’re fucked up.”

It isn’t a question.

Just because Isak’s a piece of shit doesn’t mean he’s completely heartless. He tries to push away the guilt.

Isak swallows the lump forming in his throat and pulls his t-shirt over his head. It smells like smoke and sweat. He scratches the back of his neck and clears his throat loudly. He needs a shower and something to eat.

Isak’s eyes flick up and catch Julian’s for a second before he looks away again, not wanting to face the loneliness there.

“See you around, Julian.”

“Yeah, see you around.”

.

.

.

Isak makes his way to the kitchen, stepping over unconscious bodies as he goes. He grabs a dirty glass from the counter and fills it with water from the tap, gulping it down until his tongue doesn’t stick to the roof of his mouth.

“Thirsty?”

The voice comes from across the room – deep and morning-time-rough.

Isak looks up to find blue. Blue cotton-candy-soft eyes that shine under the fresh morning light. His shirt is wrinkled and his blonde hair is mussed. He’s tall and lean and his smile is friendly.

Isak clears his throat. He pulls the glass from his lips and messily wipes away the water that drips from his chin.

Isak shrugs at the beautiful boy, not really knowing what else to do.

The boy smiles, his pink cheeks lifting.

“You’re Isak, right?”

Isak’s brow furrows as the boy makes his way across the room. His feet are bare and his smile is still in place. Isak can’t seem to pull his eyes away from the boy’s smooth pale skin or wide happy smile. He seems a little too happy to be waking up in a stranger’s house with a hangover.

The boy stops in front of Isak and takes the glass of water from his hands, sipping it like it’s no big deal.

Isak blinks up at the stranger who is just a bit taller than him.

“Uh, yeah.” Isak raises his eyebrows, expecting an answer to the unasked question.

_How the fuck do you know my name?_

“You’re in my film studies class.”

Isak nods. He hates that class. It’s just an elective for some extra credits. He had thought it would be an easy A. How hard could fucking film studies be? Apparently, very. They actually had to analyze films. Understand them and interpret them. And Isak was shit at it. He was better at things that were black and white. Made up of facts and truth. He didn’t do well with creativity and imagination. He didn’t like getting lost inside his own head. It was dark in there. Lonely and dull.

“I’m Even,” the boy tells him and smiles. It’s bright and beautiful and Isak can’t help but notice how full and pink this boy’s lips are. They’re slightly chapped and water-slicked.

“Hi, Even,” Isak replies, not really knowing what else to say.

Even laughs at nothing in particular and then he’s gone, leaving a strong scent of cologne behind with Isak.

.

.

.

“I’m sorry I was a dick last night,” is the first thing Isak says when Eva makes her way over to his booth.

He keeps his eyes wide and innocent and maybe-kind of-sort of pouts just the tiniest bit.

Eva rolls her eyes at her best friend, “Yeah, no, don’t give me that puppy dog look, Valtersen.”

Isak fidgets with the brim of his baseball cap and lets out a loud groan as he flops back against the booth.

The diner is small and always crowded. Eva works here a few days a week to keep the mini fridge in her apartment filled with beer and her pockets filled with cigarettes. She sneaks Isak free plates of fries and lets him hang out when he has nothing better to do, which is like…always.

He looks up at her now and lets his features relax. No games.

She raises her eyebrows, a light smirk playing at the corners of her lips that lets Isak know she’s only kidding. Her brunette locks are thrown up into a messy bun and a pencil is tucked neatly behind her ear.

Eva pops her pink bubble gum loudly and waits.

“Alright, alright,” Isak says seriously. “I’m really sorry. I was fucked up.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Eva brushes his words off. But she smiles brightly and pulls the pencil from behind her ear and the notepad from her apron pocket. “You want anything or are you just here to steal paying customers’ oxygen?”

Isak smiles.

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

He pulls the hem of the brunette’s too-short fluffy black skirt and snickers quietly.

“Your skirt is way too short.”

“I know,” She smiles. “It helps me get better tips.”

She swings her hips as she walks away. Isak laughs happily.

.

.

.

The wind is particularly harsh and cold against the soft skin of Isak’s face. His cheeks burn from the bite of the air and his tries to shrink further in on himself foolishly – pretending that will help him stay warmer.

Nothing quite like Winter in Oslo.

He leans heavily against the side of the diner’s ice-cold brick wall and curses himself for starting such a horrible habit when he was twelve. His teeth chatter as he places a cigarette between his lips, trying his best to light it with shaking, glove covered hands.

He fails miserably.

“Need some help?”

Isak blinks up to blue. A tall man with pretty blue eyes and pink full lips. The same boy from the party yesterday. The same smile in place. His hands are tucked into the pockets of an old worn in looking jean jacket. His eyebrows are raised and a lit cigarette hangs between his own lips.

Even pulls a white lighter from his pocket and steps closer to Isak.

He nods and drops his hands, letting the dirty blonde boy before him flick the lighter and ignite the end of his smoke.

“Thanks,” Isak nods.

“No problem.”

Isak inhales – deep and long and satisfying. He leans back against the wall behind him and kicks his foot up to place his heel against the brick.

“You know what they say about white lighters don’t you?”

Even shakes his head, smiling, pulling his cigarette from his lips as smoke fills the air around them.

“No, what?”

“The urban legend,” Isak smiles. “The twenty-seven club?”

Even shakes his head, eyebrows furrowing, adorably confused.

This boy is cute. Messy hair and prominent collarbones. Pale skin and bright eyes and an adorable chin dimple.

“The twenty-seven club,” Isak repeats – his voice loud and confident as if stating pure and undeniable facts. “Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and…who is it again? Oh! And Amy Winehouse all died at the age of twenty-seven. It’s rumored that Hendrix, Morrison, Joplin, and Cobain all had white lighters in their hands when they died. They’re bad luck. You better be careful.”

Isak brings his smoke back to his lips and lets it calm his muscles and clear his mind.

Even chuckles and moves even closer to the blonde. Isak’s position of bent knees and a hunched back makes Even look so much taller than him. Isak has to blink up to see the boy’s face. The barely-there sunlight catches his eyelashes and Isak begins to count the beauty marks scattered on Even’s long neck.

“Eh, I’m not big on myths,” Even replies, exhaling smoke through his nostrils, hitting Isak’s face. “I’m also not scared of death.”

Isak quirks a brow and licks his cold chapped lips.

“No?”

Even shrugs, “Nah. I can’t stop it, can’t obsess over preventing it, so if it happens then it happens.”

Isak tips his head, “Cheers to that.”

Isak doesn’t usually entertain conversations with strangers. Not that people tried to speak to Isak often. He wasn’t a very approachable person. He kept his eyes cold and his stare hard. He kept a frown in place and his walls up. He didn’t like mindless chit-chat, trying to fill silence needlessly, it was pointless and tedious and annoying. He wouldn’t have anything in common with the people and truthfully, Isak didn’t have much to say.

But something about Even made the words spill from Isak’s lips naturally and freely. He doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t think much of it. This boy is cute. Isak likes cute boys with nice lips and skin that would feel amazing beneath his tongue. Simple.

“So,” Even says as he begins to rock on his heels, eye flitting to the left and right, suddenly nervous seeming. “I’ve seen you around at a few campus parties. My friend Elias is throwing one tonight if you want to check it out. We could go around twenty-three or….”

Even lets his voice trail off, still not letting his eyes move back to Isak’s. He can see the way the blue-eyed boy’s hands shake a little now when he brings his cigarette back for another puff.

His eyes are nervous and it’s…. _cute._

Isak smirks, “You trying to take me out on a date, blue eyes?”

Even lets out a timid chuckle and scratches the back of his neck. His eyes finally move back to Isak’s and he notices that there are at least four or five shades of blue hidden in them.

“That’s sweet,” Isak pushes off the wall, making him move closer to the other boy. Isak lets the last of the smoke pour from his lips and touch Even’s and he watches as Even’s eyes move to them, focusing on the action. Isak flicks his cigarette off to the side. Even smells like smoke and fresh air. “But I don’t date.”

Even licks his lips, his eyes still focusing intently on Isak’s as he speaks.

“No?”

“No,” Isak replies, smirk still in place. “But I’d be down to fuck if you’re game.”

Even’s eyes quickly flick away from Isak’s lips and back up to his gaze. Blue eyes widen dramatically and Isak can’t help but laugh lightly at the stunned, scandalized expression on the boy’s face. His cheeks and neck begin to flush a beautiful rosy pink color and Isak stops himself from reaching out and touching his warm skin.

His mouth opens and closes a few times as he tries to say the words his mind is searching for. It doesn’t work.

Yeah, this boy is definitely cute.

“I’ll see you around, blue eyes,” he chuckles, stuffing his hands into his pockets and turning away, walking with long and confident strides, leaving a still gaping Even behind.

.

.

.

When Isak arrives home it’s abnormally quiet. Magnus is usually awake by now, playing his music so loudly that it vibrates through the walls, whistling poorly and cooking breakfast. He’d usually be annoying the ever-loving shit out of Isak in the most endearing way.

But Isak kicks off his shoes, tosses his jacket carelessly on the floor, and makes his way to the living room to see his friend huddled on the couch, a cup of coffee in his hands, and a hood pulled up to cover his grease slicked hair.

Isak’s brows furrow at the sight.

He moves over to his roommate and leans over to wave his hand in Magnus’ eyesight.

He blinks up at Isak with tired, sad eyes, noticing his approach for the first time.

He half-waves and takes a sip of his steaming drink.

 _What’s up?_ Isak signs, _you look pathetic sitting here. Where’s my breakfast?_

Magnus sighs loudly and looks back down.

Isak stomps his foot – hard – catching his friend’s attention again.

He widens his eyes in exasperation and signs, _Well? Aren’t you the one who’s always nagging me because I mope too much? What’s up?_

Magnus blinks up at him blankly. A beat or two passes before he finally gives a resigned sigh and places his mug down on the end table beside him.

 _Vilde,_ he finger-spells slowly.

Isak waits but when he doesn’t continue, he signs impatiently, _Vilde what?_

 _She dumped me,_ Magnus signs back.

Isak sighs. Of course, she did. Magnus and Vilde started dating about a year ago, when they first started university. Isak never liked Vilde. She was stuck up and snobby. She scoffed at anything “beneath” her. She constantly belittled Magnus and reprimanded him for his “childish and immature behavior”, like a mother scolding a child.

She also made her disdain for Isak very, very clear. Just like Isak made his clear for her.

Magnus is way too good for her. Magnus is sweet and caring and fun. He likes to make people laugh with his goofy jokes and always wakes up in a good mood. Normally, his annoyingly optimistic attitude irritates the shit out of Isak.

And even though Isak’s never brought it up to Magnus, he hated Vilde most of all for never learning sign language. A whole year and she didn’t even try to pick up a few signs. Magnus was left doing all the work in the relationship – having to read her lips constantly, not able to just sit back and relax and use his own language to have a conversation. He was forced to use his voice to talk to her. Something he was good at but not very comfortable with.

Magnus talked really well, having gone deaf at the age of fifteen. However, without much practice his pronunciation began to slip and his words become more and more “deaf sounding.”

Vilde knew that Magnus preferred to sign but she didn’t care. She couldn’t be bothered learning a new language. Not even for the boy she supposedly loved. She always had an excuse about not having enough time, having too much school work or some shit. If that didn’t show what kind of person she was, then Isak didn’t know what would.

Hell, when Magnus went deaf, the whole group learned to sign with him. Jonas, Isak, and their friend Mahdi went to classes with Magnus and helped him practice on the weekends and none of _them_ were sucking his dick like Vilde. It took a lot of time and effort and patience to learn a whole new language at fifteen. But they did it. Because Magnus was their friend.

 _I’m sorry,_ Isak signs.

Both boys know it’s a bunch of bullshit.

Magnus rolls his eyes, _Yeah, I’m sure you’re real torn up about it._

Isak smiles and signs back, _Just because I don’t like Vilde doesn’t mean I’m not sorry you’re sad._

Magnus smiles up at his friend, it touches his eyes just barely, and he signs back expertly with just one hand, _Awe, Isak, you do have a heart._

The blonde flips him off as he flops down beside him on their old, thrift store couch.

Magnus loves thrift shopping and decorating the boys’ small apartment with ugly furniture and wall hangings he finds around town in people’s trash.

 _One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, Isak,_ he’d always say. _It was just going to go to the dump anyway. People are so fucking wasteful._

 _I honestly am sorry though, man_ , Isak signs.

Magnus shrugs, _I’ll get over it._

Isak nods, giving Magnus a pat on the shoulder.

 _You are,_ he signs. _Tonight we’re going out and you’re going to get over her with your dick in someone’s mouth._

Magnus laughs and Isak grips his shoulder tightly.

Maybe Isak’s not _always_ a shit friend.

.

.

.

“What’s up, bro?”

Isak zips up his jacket as he hastily makes his way down the squeaky corridor stairs in his building, bracing himself for the cold of the night.

“Hey, Mahdi,” Isak replies. “Just wondering if I can swing buy and grab some shit.”

Isak and Magnus had spent the past few hours smoking the rest of Isak’s weed and making a list of all the shitty things about Vilde’s personality.

Isak never shares his weed. Not with anyone. Money is pretty much non-existent in his world and calling his mom or dad for money is always his very last option. He’d rather cut off his own left arm than spent more than five minutes in a room with those people.

“Sure, sure,” Mahdi says on the other side of the phone. “Just remember you still got a tab. I’m gonna have to cut you off if you don’t start paying this shit off. You’re my friend and all but money is my friend too.”

“Relax, relax, I’ve got some extra cash for it.”

“Good. See you soon.” He hangs up without a goodbye.

Isak rolls his eyes, tucking his phone away and walking as quickly as he can against the harsh winter air.

.

.

.

Mahdi and Jonas’ apartment is slightly bigger than Isak and Magnus’. It’s filled with new furniture and a flat screen TV and always smells like weed.

The boys are sprawled lazily out on the couch when Isak gets there, letting himself in without knocking. A few burnt out joints are scattered across the coffee table and ashes are smashed into the dirty carpet beneath their feet.

They look up with red eyes and heavy lids.

A smile spreads across Jonas’ face when he sees who’s entered. His bushy dark eyebrows raise and his tosses his hands up excitedly.

“Hey!” he greets Isak happily. “My man! What’s up?”

Isak laughs as he walks over to the boys, unwrapping his scarf as he goes, pulling his hat off and running his fingers through the knots in his curls. He sits down in the recliner across the way from the couch and sighs at the amazingly expensive comfort.

“You guys are so fucking high.”

Mahdi chuckles, giving a thumbs up.

“To what do we owe this honor?” Jonas asks lazily, smile still in place.

“Just here to pick up,” Isak tells him, pulling the money from his pocket and tossing onto the table.

“You actually paying for it this time?”

Isak rolls his eyes, “Oh fuck off.”

Jonas doesn’t waste any time. His red tinted eyes meet Isak’s own and he already knows what’s coming, as sadness begins to fill his friend’s dark, hazel eyes.

“How’s Eva?”

Mahdi groans beside him, “Dude, don’t start right now. I’m too fucking high to try to comfort you while you cry.”

Jonas rolls his head lazily and directs a pathetic glare at his friend.

“Shut the fuck up, Mahdi.”

“What?” Mahdi replies. “Last time you brought her up, you cried for an hour. So not in the mood for that shit.”

Isak sighs sharply, cutting in before Jonas can speak again, “She’s good, Jonas.”

The brunette turns back to him. Eyes so open and melancholy. The emotion in them practically radiates. It’s so strong and painful to see. A kind of sadness that could touch anybody who had seen it up so close.

“Yeah?” His voice shakes as he speaks.

Isak feels his heart shift in his chest – pity and sadness filling the hollow space.

He feels for Jonas just as much as he feels for Eva. He can feel their pain just as an outsider. And they prove his point over again and again. It’s why he doesn’t do this shit. Why he doesn’t let anyone get close enough to him to make his eyes shine with that kind of desperate emotion.

Everything that he’s ever had has been taken from him. He doesn’t have anything else to give.

He swallows thickly and nods slowly, “Yeah, Jonas. She’s good.”

.

.

.

Isak wakes up in a sweat. His body drenched from head to toe – his clothes clinging uncomfortably to his clammy skin. His sheets are soaked all the way through and he shivers from the smell.

He has nightmares about her.

He has nightmares about her rich green eyes that match his own, her preciously sweet laughter, her calling out for him with that comforting and familiar twinkle in her eye.

It hurts. Things that would normally just be considered dreams. They’ve turned into nightmares for him. And it hurts so fucking much.

The weight pressing against his chest heavily, stealing the breath right from his lungs.

_It hurts._

He sits up and clutches where his chest is throbbing – right above his damaged heart. He breathes heavily, trying to catch the breath that has seemingly been stolen from him, and tries to blink his tears away. But it’s too late. He feels the water slide down his cheeks slowly and steadily.

He pretends not to notice the shake of his hands as he squeezes the blankets beneath him tightly.

He feels his rapid heartbeat at the base of his throat, behind his eyes, radiating in his temples.

He has nightmares of her voice – small and innocent and trusting in ways that it never should have been.

_“Can we go, Isak?” She would ask with eager eyes, bouncing excitedly on her toes. “Can we go please?”_

“Fuck,” he huffs, angrily wiping away his tears.

_It hurts._

He knows there was a time when his chest didn’t feel so hollow. When he didn’t have to try to fill the empty space inside of him with drugs and booze and meaningless sex. He remembers when his chest felt full and he felt whole. It just seems miles away now, so far away that he’s sure he’ll never get it back.

He presses his fingers harder into the sweat slicked skin of his chest and tries to slow his breathing.

_It fucking hurts._

He ends up staring at his ceiling for the rest of the night, eyes sore and tired and glazed over with tears. Isak never had a good relationship with sleep.

.

.

.

Isak’s head is spinning – deliciously light and completely wrecked. His lips tingle and his hands are numb. He’d taken a few shots, smoked a little weed, and popped two pink pills. He was set.

His eyes scan the crowd of bodies in front of him. A sea of fake smiles and tipsy laughs.

He needs to get laid.

After his nightmare, he’d taken it easy for a while. He stayed home and smoked too much and felt sorry for himself. Magnus checked on him a few times but didn’t push him. Magnus understood Isak to an extent. He didn’t know everything but he knew that sometimes Isak needed space. He let Isak get lost in his own world for a while and was always there with a smile when he came back.

Isak doesn’t deserve the friends he has.

His eyes continue to scan the room in a blurry haze.

And then he sees him. His eyes just as blindingly blue as Isak remembers. They’re wide and telling and staring right back at him.

He’s standing on the far side of the room as he leans against the kitchen archway, a half-empty beer in his hand, and a cute blonde girl by his side. Her arm linked through his as she laughs with another girl standing near them.

Even brings his drink to his lips, Isak licks his own. The blonde across the room raises his brow in question and lets a smirk play on his lips. Isak takes that as a go. So, he gets up and stumbles his way through the bodies around him until he reaches the stairs and makes his way up them without looking back.

.

.

.

Even’s back is pressed against the bedroom door before Isak’s brain can even catch up with his body.

He’s desperate for it, frantic for it. He hadn’t realized just how much he needed this until now.

His lips touch Even’s heated skin again and again. Anywhere. Everywhere. His neck, his face, his lips. When Even’s tongue slips into his mouth, he can’t help but let out a deep moan. It’s dirty and wet and everything that Isak wants. Even’s lips move with his own in perfect sync.  

Isak shoves his hands under Even’s shirt, just feeling his smooth chest, getting way too worked up. He pulls away slightly to see Even’s eyes dilate and his skin flush deeply.

He’s panting and squirming and looking at Isak in a way that causes a chill to run down his spine. Isak leans in and presses one more kiss to his lips quickly before he leaves a trail of kisses down his neck, his chest, he pushes up his shirt even more and kisses his stomach – leaving his spit behind.

Even is sighing beautifully above him. Isak can tell his eyes are glued to him. Isak loves this. Loves the feeling of being in control, giving someone so much pleasure, receiving pleasure in return. This feeling of freeness, the bliss, the gratification.

When Isak is finally fully on his knees, he nuzzles the bulge in Even’s pants, enjoying the groan it forces out of Even.

“Shit, Isak,” Even says, completely breathless.

Isak practically rips Even’s jeans open, pulling the zipper down quickly and getting right to work. He takes Even in his mouth immediately, loving the feel of him hard and heavy against his tongue, as he feels his own dick throb in response.

He moans as soon as he tastes Even – both salty and sweet. He looks up to see Even looking back. His eyes are fluttering open and closed and his chest is moving quickly as his breathing continues to grow faster.

“Fuck, fuck.”

Isak smirks around his dick, a little proud of his skills.

When he feels Even begin to shake, his fingers moving to curl into Isak’s hair, Isak can’t help but reach down and squeeze himself through his jeans, rubbing himself over the fabric – needing the relief, the friction. He lets out a deep moan and begins to move faster, taking Even’s dick deeper, pulling back to circle the head with his tongue before diving back in.

And soon Even throws his head back, not even trying to control the sounds pouring from his lips, he begins to rock his head back and forth against the wall as he mutters a mix of – _fuck, shit, Isak, fuck fuck fuck._

He pulls on Isak’s hair just a little but, trying to warn him that he’s about to come. But Isak doesn’t stop. He just keeps going and going and going until –

Even explodes in his mouth, coming with a deep moan and shaking limbs. Isak takes everything he has. He knows it’s stupid considering that Even isn’t wearing a condom. But Isak doesn’t think too much about it. He’s too caught up in the moment. Too hot and bothered and needing this release so fucking badly.

He stands up quickly and watches as a slow smile spreads across Even’s face. His eyes are still closed, his skin is flushed a deep red color, his lips pretty and puffy.

“Fuck, Isak,” he breathes out.

Isak smiles, “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

Even’s eyes open and then he’s leaning forward. His hands come up to cup Isak’s face and his lips touch his own. His teeth press softly into his bottom lip, making Isak moan deeply. He walks forward, causing Isak to stumble back until his legs hit a mattress and he’s falling back onto the bed – Even following suit – landing on top of him with a chuckle.

Isak doesn’t waste any time as he arches his hips – searching for friction. His dick is painfully hard at this point. He can still taste Even on his tongue. Even’s lips move to his neck, kissing and licking and sucking.

“Even,” Isak groans. He can feel Even’s lips lift against his skin.

And then Even is shoving his hand roughly into his jeans, taking Isak and squeezing him forcefully, his thumb circling Isak’s tip.

Isak throws his head back – overwhelmed by the pleasure that takes over his body, warmth spreading through his body, blood pumping through his veins quickly.

It’s quick and messy and rough. Isak comes with a guttural groan, his hands gripping the sheet beneath him, his teeth teeth digging into his bottom lip so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if he broke the skin.

Even leans in once more. His lips are soft and slow against Isak’s – the urgency now gone.

Isak chuckles against Even’s lips, making Even chuckle in return for no reason in particular.

“What’s funny?” Even asks.

Isak sighs, opening his eyes and looking into Even’s, lust-blown and shining a bright blue.

“I just really fucking needed that.”

Even nods, like he understands, “Me too.”

Isak sits up, forcing Even to move off of him. He feels the mess in his boxers already beginning to harden and grow uncomfortable.

He sees Even looking at him in his peripheral vision and he suddenly feels uncomfortable. He feels like Even is trying to find something, find something in him that he probably doesn’t have for him.

“So – I was thinking that maybe – “

Isak cuts him off, knowing what’s about to come. Talk of dates and meeting up again. All the stuff that Isak doesn’t have to offer.

“I have to go,” he says, making sure his voice is emotionless.

“Oh…okay…”

Isak stands and moves to the door. He hesitates for only a moment before he whispers, “Thanks for this.”

And then he’s gone.


	2. Personality Defect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wasn't going to post another chapter today but my editor, Jenn, is super fast and great so I figured...why the hell not, right? I've never posted 2 chapters of a story in the same day and I wanted try something new :D
> 
> Plus, this chapter has sexy time so that's a plus!
> 
> Also, I stole a line from a certain show for this chapter. Let me know if you know what show and line ;)

 

_._

 

_._

 

_._

 

_"I told you from the start,_

_I'll break your heart."_

.....

 _I don’t get why you don’t just talk to him. Get it over with,_ Magnus signs quickly before turning back to the scrambled eggs he’s making.

Isak glares at the back of his friend’s stupid blonde head.

He’s frustrated and annoyed and just wants Magnus to finish the goddamn eggs.

Magnus turns back to Isak with a smile. Isak keeps his glare in place and tosses his phone down onto the table with a groan.

 _He’s a piece of shit,_ he signs back.

_That’s harsh._

Isak shrugs, before nodding turns the stove, _don’t burn my fucking eggs._

Magnus pays him no mind.

_What about your mom?_

Isak glares even harder. Sometimes he appreciates how caring his friend is. It’s sweet how Magnus cares enough to ask questions and be involved in his life. However, sometimes it’s just fucking annoying.

Isak doesn’t like _thinking_ about his parents let alone talking about them out loud. Or signing about them.

 _She’s a bigger piece of shit,_ Isak replies.

He rubs his hands over his face roughly and screams into them – thankful Magnus can’t hear how pathetic it sounds.

_They were always nice to me._

Isak narrows his eyes in Magnus’ direction again.

The blonde’s eyes widen, shaking his head, _Sorry, no, I mean you’re right. Total pieces of shit. My bad._

 _Whatever,_ Isak signs. _I have to get to class._

_I thought you were hungry._

_Not anymore._

.

.

.

Isak makes his way to his film studies class, head down and hands gripping his backpack straps tightly. He’s not looking forward to seeing Even after the way he left things.

Isak never really felt awkward leaving someone’s bed, or someone in bed, besides Julian who got under his skin and stirred his guilt. So, he didn’t know why he felt so shitty about leaving Even. Maybe because his smile was so open and his eyes told some kind of shitty love story. He obviously did dates and relationships and _love._ And just because Isak didn’t do those things, it didn’t mean he wanted to hurt people or break their hearts.

He wasn’t completely emotionless. He realized that other people were normal. They actually liked other people and making connections. They weren’t scared of losing people or putting themselves out in the world.

It wasn’t their fault that Isak was so fucked up.

And what Isak was really dreading the most was the fact that he really _wasn’t_ dreading seeing Even.

He can’t help but remember how Even touched him – setting his skin on fire in a way that no one ever had before.

Hook-ups are hook-ups. Simple, easy, done. Isak usually doesn’t even remember their names after. But Even is lingering and Isak doesn’t like it.

When Isak reaches class, he’s not even surprised to find Even sitting in the seat directly next to his. His wide, signature smile in place.

Isak plops down in his seat.

“Good morning,” Even sing-songs.

Isak grunts in his general direction, keeping his eyes forward, even though he wants to do anything but. He wonders which shade of blue is standing out most in Even’s eyes today – dark or light.

“Woah, you’re sure grumpy,” Even replies.

Isak can hear the smile in his voice and it bugs the shit out of him.

“Personality defect,” Isak says dully.

“It’s cute.”

Isak huffs, finally turning to face the other boy.

_Light blue._

There’s more light blue showing in his eyes today.

“Why the fuck are you here, Even?”

Even’s smile widens, “This is my class.”

Isak sighs, “No, I mean _here_. Why are you sitting next to me?”

Even shrugs his shoulders casually. He leans on the desk in front of him and lays his head into his hand. He looks so…charming. It makes Isak’s skin tingle and crawl at the same time.

“I just wanted to sit next to you. I like you.”

“You don’t _know_ me,” Isak replies in exasperation.

“But I’d like to.”

“No,” Isak snorts. His eyes meet Even’s directly – trying to get his point across the best he can. “You really don’t.”

“Why not?”

Isak doesn’t know why he hasn’t just gotten up and moved to another seat by now. Normally he would have been long gone. If it were any other hook-up he wouldn’t entertain the mindless chatter and silly expectations.

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t.

Even leans a little closer as his eyes grow curious. Isak bites his lip and smells Even’s body wash.

The boy is genuinely curious and hopeful looking. No one has looked at Isak like that in a long, long time.

“I’m not the kind of person most people want to know.” Isak shrugs, hoping the simple cryptic explanation would be enough, but knowing it wouldn’t be.

“Well, I’m not most people.”

Isak laughs.

_I know._

He rests his head on his desk, burying his face in his forearms, and letting out a deep groan. He’s tired and worn out. His bones hurt and he just wants to sleep. He just wants to be left alone, just wants the world to melt away.

“No, I bet you’re not,” Isak mumbles.

There’s a short beat before Even replies, his voice filled with such confidence, “I’m going to get you to go on a date with me, Isak Valtersen.”

Isak yawns.

“Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.”

.

Isak’s currently sprawled out on Eva’s tiny bed. He made a quick getaway from film studies as soon as he could.

He’s scrolling through text after text from his father and just gets angrier after every one he reads.

He smiles when Eva dangles a lit joint in front of him.

“Found the lighter!” she says enthusiastically.

She bounces on the edge of the bed as she sits. Her makeup is still smudged from last night and she was still a little drunk when Isak got here – banging on her door to wake her up.

He takes the joint and scoots back so he’s sitting against the wall.

“You seem grumpier than usually,” Eva observes. She raises an eyebrow and purses her lips. “What’s going on?”

Isak groans and tosses his head back – hitting the wall a little too hard. He takes a hit off the joint before answering. He needs to be as high as possible as quickly as possible.

“My fucking parents,” Isak tells her. “My dad won’t stop messaging me. He wants me to come over for dinner.”

Eva hums as she leans over and plucks the smoke from Isak’s hand.

“Do you want me to come?” Eva asks. “I can wear a really short skirt like last time and take the attention off of you while your mom refers to me as _‘this girl’_ to you, right in front of me.”

Isak laughs loudly.

Eva smiles.

“And if I recall, you told me she also didn’t want me in that house again.”

“Actually,” Isak chuckles, “her exact words were, _‘“she’s not the right girl for you, Isak. How inappropriate to dress like that while she’s meeting your parents. Don’t bring her here again.’”_

Eva tosses her head back as she laughs, smoke pouring from her lips, sunlight hitting her face so perfectly through the window.

“As if,” she snorts, “ _you_ – straight. Just the thought of you with a girl makes me nauseous.” She shudders dramatically.

Isak smiles softly while he flips her off.

Isak has always been convinced that if he was straight, he could fall in love with Eva. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s funny. She gets Isak and Isak gets her. They click. And sometimes Isak wishes it were that simple. He already found her and wants to keep her forever. He wishes he could love her that way.

Eva is the only person that Isak truly loves in this world anymore.

“I saw Jonas the other day,” Isak says, catching Eva off guard.

She blinks over at him, eyes narrowing, smoke between her lips.

“Okay, and why should I care?”

Isak rolls his eyes.

As smart as Eva is in life, she is so dumb in love. Even someone like Isak can see how much she and Jonas love each other. How much they miss each other when they’re not together. It’s pathetic really.

He leans forward and snatches the joint again.

He shrugs, “I thought it might make you feel better to know that he’s doing bad too. Worse than you, I think.”

Eva’s eyes suddenly light up as she excitedly bounces up to her knees.

“Oh yeah?”

Isak nods, “Yeah. He was absolutely miserable. Asked about you too.”

Eva smiles.

She crawls her way over to her friend, placing a sloppy kiss on Isak’s cheek when she reaches him.

“I knew there was a reason you’re my best friend.”

“Ew,” Isak laughs, wiping the spit from his cheek, “girl kisses.”

Eva snuggles into his chest as they smoke the rest of the weed. It’s quiet and comfortable. Isak lets his eyes close under the dimming sunlight.

“I love you, boy,” Eva mumbles into his chest – her voice sleepy and sincere. A smile on her lips.

Isak smiles too, “I love you too, girl.”

.

.

.

Isak’s never really liked too much attention. Even in high school he liked to fly under the radar. He felt comfortable in the dark where no eyes were watching.

However, it’s just his luck that he always seems to be stuck in the spotlight. He doesn’t know why or how but people always seem to know him, they gravitate towards him, want to be his friend.

He plays along – smiles and nods hello as he walks around campus with people waving as he passes.

He doesn’t recognize anyone that waves as he walks back to his apartment but he greets them anyway.

They pretend to know him but they don’t, they know _of_ him he supposes, but he can’t help but wonder how many of them would wave if they really knew who he was.

Nothing special. Someone empty.

Isak walks slowly – his eyelids heavy and his muscles weak. It’s been a long day.

The sun is low and the wind is cold.

He hooks his thumbs into the straps of his backpack and tries to ignore everyone he passes.

As he rounds one specific corner, he finally does recognize someone.

Tall. Blue eyes that crinkle at the corners as he laughs carelessly. Dirty-blonde wind-blown hair.

The sun catches his eyes in just the right way causing them to shine even brighter.

Isak’s steps falter, his shoulder roughly hitting into someone he doesn’t bother looking at.

Even.

He’s across campus, standingin a crowd of what seems to be his friends. They’re all laughing, smiling, joking.

But that’s not what catches Isak’s attention. Not really.

It’s the girl next to him. She’s pretty and blonde and smiling and leaning her head softly against Even’s shoulder. Her fingers are intertwined with his like it’s the most natural thing in the world, like they do this all the time.

Isak doesn’t care.

Why would he?

_He really, really doesn’t care._

But he still stares at their hands clasped together through narrowed eyes.

Isak wonders if she knows that Even flirts with random boys in his film class. That he lets them suck his dick. He wonders if she would care.

But _he_ doesn’t care.

He swears he doesn’t.

Isak is about to look away when Even’s eyes snap up, almost like he can feel Isak coming closer. His eyes widen comically, his full lips parting in surprise as he drops the girl’s hand quickly.

Isak just shakes his head, eyes rolling, as he continues to walk away.

_He really doesn’t fucking care._

.

.

.

Isak’s been sitting at his kitchen table for almost an hour now. He knows because he glances at the clock on the stove every ten minutes – time moving slowly around him.

He spins his phone and bounces his leg and bites at the peeling skin of his bottom lip.

He feels sick to his stomach like he always does before he does this.

He knows it’s not normal to feel actually nauseous when one calls their parents. Sure, other people might feel annoyed by it or feel like it’s a tedious chore.

But Isak’s different. Anxiety crawls beneath his skin, his nerves bunched and twisting in his stomach, sweat gathering at the back of his neck. All this at just the thought of having to talk to them.

“Come on,” he whispers to himself into the silent buzz around him. “Don’t be a pussy.”

When he hears the first few rings he hopes and prays to any god there is out there that his father won’t answer.

But Isak has never had the best of luck.

“Halla,” his father’s rough voice comes through.

He pauses for a moment, trying to relax his speeding heart.

He clears his throat, “Hey, dad.”

“Isak,” he can hear his father’s surprise. He’s probably at work and didn’t bother to look at the phone before he answered. He continues, “I’m glad you called, son.”

Isak licks his lips. He doesn’t reply.

“So, I’m assuming this means you received my texts?”

Isak nods silently until he realizes his dad can’t see him.

“Yeah, I got them.”

More awkward silence follows. It makes Isak clench his eyes tightly shut.

He hates this.

He _hates_ this.

“Well, okay,” his father says. “Uhm, so can you? Come over for dinner this weekend?”

Isak lets out a snort, rolling his eyes at his dad’s uncomfortable and forced politeness. Tarje already knows what Isak’s real answer is.

“I could,” Isak replies. “I just don’t fucking want to.”

Tarje lets out a long, tired sounding sigh. “Isak, don’t be like that.”

“Be like what?” Isak asks with complete sincerity. “It can’t be a surprise to you, Dad. That I don’t want to spend an evening making conversation with you and a woman who hates me.”

“That’s not true, you know that. She doesn’t hate you.”

Isak lets out a humorless laugh, eyes reaching the ceiling, tracing the yellow stains and small chips in the paint there.

“Oh really?” Isak asks. “When is the last time she asked about me? Was this dinner her idea or yours?”

Tarje’s silence is all the answer that Isak needs.

“That’s what I thought.”

“Please, Isak,” his father begs, “just think about it.”

“Yeah, I’ll give it a lot of fucking thought.”

He doesn’t wait for his father’s reply before hanging up and slamming his phone down.

“Fuck!”

He kicks his chair across the room, punches the wall just enough to make his knuckles throb, lets out a loud scream.

None of it makes him feel better.

.

.

.

He lays on the living room floor for a few hours after that and tries not to think about how fucking dirty the carpet is.

He’s two joints into his night and plans to do nothing but smoke a few more before crawling to his bed, probably literally, and forgetting everything as he falls into a small coma.

But then there’s a knock on the door.

He groans, rolling his head to the side, glaring at the door as much as he can through his already drooping eyes.

Magnus probably forgot his fucking keys again.

There’s another impatient knock before Isak finally peels his heavy body from the floor.

He lets out a loud groan, “I’m coming, I’m coming. Fuck.”

Isak wobbles his way to the door, way too high for his own good, before swinging it open.

He raises his hands, praying that he can still sign enough to curse his friend out, but he freezes.

Instead of Magnus he’s met with blue eyes for the third time today.

There’s a beat or two before Isak can even form a single thought. His mind going blank for a second too many.

“What are you doing here?” Isak asks, voice smoke-rough.

Even shoves his hands into the pockets of his snug jean jacket. He begins to rock back and forth from his toes to his heels.

It’s the first time Isak’s seen him actually look this _nervous_. Even more nervous than when he asked Isak out. His charm and cockiness from earlier today nowhere in sight. His eyes move quickly, not meeting Isak’s straight on.

“I came to see you.”

Isak nods slowly, raising his eyebrows, “Okay…why?”

“I just,” Even’s eyes finally meet his own. They’re soft and sweet and hold a bit of hesitation. “I just wanted to explain what you saw before. Me and Sonja.”

Isak pauses, not really understanding Even’s words, letting them roll around in his head for a moment.

He blinks.

And blinks again.

“Huh?”

“You know,” Even explains, “the girl I was holding hands with.”

_Oh._

Isak snorts loudly, turning away from the boy and walking back to his comfortable living room.

He doesn’t really know why he leaves the door open instead of slamming it shut right then and there. But he does. He blames it on his high.

Even hesitates by the entrance for only a moment before he enters, closing the door behind him.

He continues to stand by the door even as Isak flops back lazily onto the couch.

Even looks around awkwardly before his eyes land on Isak again.

Isak doesn’t bother hiding the way he looks the other boy up and down. Noticing his defined collarbones and how soft and plump his bottom lip looks. How his jacket fits him so snuggly and how smooth his skin looks.

He likes what he sees.

“She’s my best friend,” Even says. “She’s, uh, dating someone actually.”

Isak nods. He gets that. He’s held hands with Eva a million times before.

But he doesn’t care.

“Okay. That still doesn’t explain why you’re here or why I’d care.”

Even nods before moving a few more steps into the apartment. He sees the scattered ashes and burnt out blunts and lets a smile spread across his pretty face.

And he is pretty.

So, so pretty.

But Isak still doesn’t care.

“Been smoking a little bit, huh?” Even laughs as Isak shrugs casually.

“Come on, Isak,” Even’s smile doesn’t drop as he continues, “just one date.”

“Not a good idea,” Isak tells him honestly, knowing it’s the truth.

“Why not?”

“Because I’ll break your heart.”

Isak doesn’t expect these words to make Even smile even wider.

But they do.

His smile stretches, making his eyes crinkle adorably at the corners.

“Oh yeah? And what if it’s _me_ that breaks _your_ heart.”

Isak smiles softly back, “Nobody breaks my heart.”

Even begins to take a few steps closer, “You don’t fool me, Valtersen.” he moves even closer. “You’re not as cold as you pretend to be.”

And Isak doesn’t know if it’s his high or his need to forget any single thought in his head or just how fucking good Even looks in that fucking jean jacket.

But he stands, taking just a few steps to close the distance between the boys, reaching out and grabbing a fist full of Even’s shirt – pulling him forward roughly, bringing their lips together forcefully.

Even seems to pause in surprise, but only for a second or two before he responds – his hands moving to grip Isak’s waist, his lips moving frantically with Isak’s own. It goes from zero to one hundred.

They stumble their way to Isak’s bedroom, never letting their lips part. Isak pushes Even’s jacket off his shoulders before Even pulls at Isak’s shirt – practically ripping it from his body.

It’s suddenly hot in this room. So, so fucking hot. Even’s breath is coming out in heavy, harsh pants, hitting Isak’s skin, dampening it.

Isak already feels his body heating up, his breath beginning to stutter. And they’ve barely done a thing.

Even just seems to bring this out in him.

They move further into the room until Isak’s knees hit the mattress behind him causing him to fall back. Even following right behind him, bouncing lightly on top of him.

Even lets out a light chuckle and Isak decides he absolutely loves the sound.

Even’s smile is wide and happy and Isak can’t help but smile back – it’s like even if he didn’t want to smile, he can’t be stopped. The smile spreads too quickly for him to even think about stopping.

He doesn’t remember ever laughing with someone like this – while kissing, while fooling around – but it feels good. It makes something in his chest flutter annoyingly.

Even pauses for a moment, eyes running over Isak’s face slowly, and Isak doesn’t really understand the look in his eyes. It’s something soft, something soothing, something Isak hasn’t really seen when he’s been with someone this way.

It’s light – not rough or greedy or impatient.

Isak feels his cheeks fill with heat and he shies away from the stare, trying to move things along.

He lifts his hips, showing Even just how hard he is already, too worked up for soft glances and subtle smiles.

Isak feels himself slide against Even, feeling how hard Even is in return, and that pulls a long, deep groan out of the boy on top of Isak. The friction making Isak bite his bottom lip.

“My bedside drawer,” Isak pants. “Lube. Condoms.”

Even hastily rocks up to grab what they need, giving Isak time to scoot up on the bed, letting his head hit his pillows.

He’s impatient, just wants Even on him, _inside_ of him.

Soon Even’s weight is back on top of Isak, his shirt discarded on the floor, his eyes dark and lust-filled.

Just the sight of Even like this, desperate looking, desperate for _Isak_ – makes him moan, makes him tilt his head up, searching for a kiss. And Even gives it to him.

Their lips move together fast and heated, Even bites Isak’s bottom lip in the most delicious way. Isak can already feel the heat begin to pool in his stomach, his dick painfully hard in the confinement of his pants.

Isak eagerly spreads his legs, letting Even slip in between them, opening himself up.

Even’s hand moves quickly to the buckle of Isak’s pants – fumbling and moving as quickly as he possibly can.

And then his hand is there, covering Isak’s erection, squeezing slightly, just feeling.

The boys groan in unison at the feeling, the friction causing Isak’s legs to shake.

But as much as Isak is enjoying this, he’s getting frustrated with the pace, he wants it hard and fast. He wants to feel Even’s skin covering every inch of his. He wants his weight holding him down, his lips making him moan, his dick filling him up.

“Even,” Isak groans impatiently, “hurry the fuck up.”

Even laughs lightly, clearing enjoying Isak’s desperation.

“Okay, okay,” he smiles.

He begins to shove Isak’s pants down, Isak lifts his hips, wiggling to help Even get them off completely. Even’s clothes follow quickly until both of them are naked and exposed and more than ready to go.

Even’s dick is so hard and pressed against Isak’s stomach. Isak lets out a small whimper, knowing that Even is just as affected as he is.

Even’s lips touch Isak’s cheek, soft and heated, and he whispers, “turn over.”

Isak follows the instructions happily and quickly – so eager to get this going.

He immediately groans from the pressure of the mattress against his dick. The friction punches more groans out of him and when he feels Even’s hands on his ass, spreading him apart, just looking, breathing heavily. Isak can’t fucking handle it.

“Even, Even, please,” Isak whispers, pressing his face against the cool sheets beneath him. He’s too desperate to be embarrassed by his begging.

Even replies with nothing but a low groan.

And then Isak feels the cool familiar feeling of lube hitting his skin and Even’s fingers are there – circling Isak’s rim, teasing him softly, Even’s breath hot on his back.

Isak spreads his legs wider, trying to get Even to hurry, he pushes his ass back impatiently – begging for more.

The first finger slips in and it already feels so fucking good that Isak doesn’t think it’s going to take much for him to come. His dick is already pulsing, red and heavy against his stomach, begging for the release it needs.

“Fuck, Isak,” Even pants, voice low and rough in a way that makes Isak’s skin raise with goosebumps, “you look so fucking good like this.”

Isak nods, not able to find any words as Even pushes a second finger in, stretching Isak further. Isak’s hands grip the sheets tightly between his fingers, his arms beginning to shake at just the feeling of Even’s fingers inside of him. If his fingers feel like this he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to handle Even’s dick.

He needs it though. He needs it so fucking badly. Every cell in his body screaming for Even, despite him barely being stretched.

“Fuck me,” Isak breathes into the sheets, unsure if Even can even hear him or not. “I’m ready. Just fuck me.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Even replies, testing Isak’s looseness by adding a third finger, causing Isak to groan and shudder.

“I’m fucking good,” Isak says. “Just…please, please…”

Relief floods Isak’s body when he hears the crinkle of the condom wrapper.

Even’s large hands grip Isak’s waist, pulling him up roughly, settling him on his knees.

Even moves closer, shuffling forward until his legs are between Isak’s, causing him to spread them wider, exposing him more and getting better access.

Even’s naked chest presses against Isak’s back – their sweat-slicked skin sliding against each other.

Isak can’t help the whine that slips from his lips when he feels the tip of Even’s dick press against his wet hole teasingly.

He grips the sheets tighter, clenching his teeth hard, shaking with anticipation.

He pushes his hips back, egging Even on.

And Even delivers – slowly but surely – he begins to push in, his dick sliding in inch by inch. It’s a tight fit. Isak barely gave Even any time to stretch him but he loves the burn of the stretch, loves the slight painful edge to the pleasure that fills his entire body, his skin burning and his limbs shaking. It’s been so long since he’s been fucked like this, usually doing the fucking himself. He forgot how good it can be.

So, fucking _good_.

“Shit, Isak.” Even’s words hit the back of Isak’s neck, his body covering him completely, hands gripping his hips too tightly in the best kind of way.

Even starts slow once he’s fully inside of Isak, rocking his hips slowly, rolling them experimentally as he lets Isak get used to the feeling of being full. Every small movement causes Isak to moan, to groan, to whine embarrassingly loud and high in the back of his throat.

When Isak starts to move his hips back, helping Even along, Even begins to move faster, his thrusts becoming harder, punching more and more sounds out of Isak.

“Fuck, you feel so fucking good, Isak.”

Isak nods, not able to even think about forming words to respond.

Even leans forward, pressing wet sloppy kisses against Isak’s spine, the base of his neck, causing him to slip deeper inside of Isak, hitting places inside of him that makes him sees stars, makes his stomach fill with fire, makes him arms give out, falling onto his elbows.

Isak lets his head hang between his arms as he loses himself in the pleasure of the moment. His heart beats hard against his chest, dick heavy and neglected against his thigh.

He’s basically useless at this point. He can barely move his hips back to meet Even’s anymore. He’s too overwhelmed by everything he’s feeling. His shaking limbs and his burning stomach.

But Even doesn’t seem to mind. He’s moaning loudly behind him, thrusts not faltering in the slightest.

So, Isak lets himself enjoy this feeling. Not having to do the work, just able to sit back and enjoy.

He just lays there and takes it.

He isn’t going to last long. He knows it. Not when Even is fucking him so good – thrusts long and strong and searching until he finds Isak’s spot.

Isak whines, unable to stop himself, and at the point not even caring.

He knows how desperate he sounds but he doesn’t fucking care.

He’s flushed from head to toe, heat pulsing through his veins, he begins to clench around Even’s dick causing the older boy to moan, press more heated kisses against his skin, his thrust to stutter slightly.

Isak can’t hold back anymore. He needs the friction, needs to ease the pulsing of his dick, so he reaches for it and as soon as his fingers wrap around his length, he lets out a long groan. He circles his sensitive tip, his hips jerking forward into his hand, the pleasure of his own hand and Even’s measured thrusts, hitting his prostate again and again overwhelming him.

“Fuck, Isak, fuck, fuck,” Even groans out, and as if reading Isak’s mind he says, “I’m not gonna last long, I can’t…you’re so fucking…good, fuck.”

Isak nods, understanding, knowing he’s close too.

So, he leans forward further, arching his back and making it easier for Even to thrust deeper, fucking his own hand with each forward movement.

The familiar heat rushes quickly to his groin, the pit of his stomach, his balls tightening, ready to release.

“Come,” Isak breathes, eyes clenched, hand tightening around his cock. “I want you to come inside me.”

Even whines at that, his thrusts becoming frantic and unsteady, finding all kinds of new angles inside of him, causing Isak’s eyes to roll back.

Just a few more thrusts and Isak feels Even spill inside of him, shooting into the condom, panting and groaning and gripping Isak’s hips so tightly that he knows they’ll leave marks.

Isak finds himself liking the thought even though he knows he shouldn’t.

Isak follows shortly after. Pleasure overwhelming every single part of his body, boiling beneath his skin, pouring hotly into his own hand, Even’s dick still fit snuggling inside of him.

He keeps his hips moving, trying to prolong and work himself through his orgasm, trying to catch his breath.

“Fuck,” he hears Even laugh behind him, plump lips moving against his skin, “that was good.”

Isak can’t even nod his agreement, too exhausted.

He collapses, eyes drooping already, the feeling of Even still inside him, on top of him, making him feel safe, taken care of, making him feel good and calm in a way he hasn’t in such a long time.

Making him forget about everything but this moment.

And this is how he falls asleep.

Satisfied.

At peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I keep posting? How are you liking it? Let me know!!


	3. You're Cute When You Drool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly blown away by you guys and your wonderful feedback! Thank you so much and please keep it coming! <3
> 
> Here's chapter three :) I hope you enjoy!
> 
> .
> 
> Jenn is my lovely editor <3\. She fixes my horrid mistakes.

.

 

.

 

.

 

_"You're gonna make yourself sick, being so cold."_

_....._

 

Isak wakes up with slow blinks, sun streaming delicately through the window, heating his face.

There’s a small smile playing on his lips that he doesn’t notice right away. His body is relaxed and his mind is settled, no dreams replaying in his head this morning.

His muscles are completely tension free, his ass deliciously sore in the best of way.

The bed is empty beside him – making him feel both relieved and... _no_ , definitely _not_ disappointed.

Really, he’s just surprised. Even doesn't seem like the type of guy to leave before the sun rose, especially considering how hard he’s pushing this whole date thing. Leaving was more of Isak’s deal.

He sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes too roughly, before he notices the note beside him, sitting simply on the pillow.

Isak rolls his eyes, this is definitely more of what he was expecting.

A note – probably something cute and sweet and endearing. Something Isak doesn’t need to be told, something Isak didn’t want to read.

But he reaches for the note anyway.

_Had an early lecture._

_You’re cute when you drool._

_596 67 892_

_\---- E._

Isak lets his eyes run over the words a few times, as if needing a moment or two to understand the note, to absorb it.

He lets out a loud frustrated groan before falling back heavily, the note slipping carelessly from his fingers.

He tells himself he doesn’t notice how his pillow still smells like Even.

_What the fuck is he doing?_

.

.

.

By the time Isak finally manages to get up enough energy to drag himself out of bed, get dressed, and walk to the living room, Magnus is already there dressed for the day, lap full of his breakfast plate, a wide smile that Isak knows he doesn’t like the look of.

_Okay, what is that look?_ Isak signs, _t_ _hat’s a fucking creepy smile._

Magnus’ smile widens a bit before he replies, _I met Even this morning. Seems cool. Who is he?_

Isak pauses, just for a moment, trying to play it off quickly, _Just some guy from my film studies class._

Magnus’ smile turns into a smirk, _Yeah, nice sex hair._

Isak responds with his middle finger.

_Come on,_ Magnus signs with a chuckle, _you never bring anyone back here. Is he a friend or?_

Isak just huffs, moving to the kitchen. If this conversation is going to be had, then he needs some fucking coffee as soon as possible.

Magnus’ eyes are still on him when he makes it back to the living room. It’s clear that he isn’t going to drop this.

_It’s nothing,_ Isak signs. Letting his eyes say, ‘drop it’.

Magnus puts his hands up in a surrender motion, eyes reaching the ceiling.

_Oh, I forgot,_ Magnus signs with mock seriousness, _Isak Valtersen – untouchable. Stone cold heart._

_Okay, I’m leaving now._

Isak slams his mug down on the table, frustrated with not being able to enjoy a simple fucking cup of coffee, and makes his way to the front door.

He snatches his jacket off the floor and just as he’s closing the door behind him he hears Magnus call out, using his voice –

“Let yourself love, Isak! Let yourself love!”

He fucking hates his roommate.

.

.

.

_Isak is bored._

_He’s so fucking bored and tired and wants to be anywhere but here._

_He loves his sister, he really, really does. And a lot of the time he doesn’t mind spending time with her, but sometimes the age gap is just so obvious that he can’t stand it._

_It’s frustrating how his parents just expect him to take her places. To watch her when they can’t or when they don’t want to. Which is…always._

_They’re always too busy with work or friends or being the worst parents in the fucking world._

_Sometimes Isak wonders why they even had children. They obviously don’t like them, not even their own. Isak and Lea’s friends are never allowed over, they always have to go out. Isak thinks maybe his parents got married, had kids, just because that’s what they thought they were supposed to do. That’s what was right and normal and easy._

_Isak’s parents didn’t really like things that were different, that were hard._

_He doesn’t want to be here playing silly games when he could be hanging out at the skate park with his friends._

_Isak watches Lea near the water, running back and forth, tossing rocks into the running stream. Her deep brown curls swirl in the wind, her face filled with a wide bright smile, she looks back at her brother – eyes shining under the sun._

_Isak smiles back._

_No matter how irritating she can be, she’s still his sister. And he loves her._

_He sighs, plucking his phone from his back backpack, putting on some music and quickly placing his earbuds in._

_He makes it as loud as it can go, trying to block out everything around him, and he falls asleep that way._

.

.

.

Isak moves around the campus, from class to class, and between each one he just gets angrier and angrier.

It’s not on purpose, in fact, he’s actively trying to _not_ look, but every time he steps back outside he finds himself looking for _him_. His eyes darting around, trying to find that unforgettable blue.

Looking for Even.

His mind keeps wandering to Even in his classes. The way his laugh catches Isak’s attention, the way his eyes capture Isak’s own – not letting him look anywhere else, the way his skin lights Isak’s on fire.

And it’s pissing Isak off.

He doesn’t do this shit. He doesn’t daydream over stupidly handsome boys with cute dimples and adorable freckles and that fucking hair that feels so good in-between Isak’s fingers.

He doesn’t look for people, people look for _him_. And that might sound cocky of him, sounds shitty, sounds like every single guy in high school that Isak hated. But it’s true.

His has to grit his teeth against the anger he feels.

_Fuck Even._

_What the fuck is he doing to me?_

He doesn’t even know the guy. He’s fucked him. He should be out of Isak’s system by now.

So, Isak whips his phone out and texts someone he knows is always looking for him.

_Meet me in the bathroom by building C. Ten minutes._

The text comes in even quicker than Isak expected and he can’t help but smirk.

_On my way._

.

Julian is on his knees in front of Isak in the hot cramped stall looking like a wet dream.

Isak’s fingers curl into his silky hair, holding the other boy still as he rocks his hips slowly, fucking his face. And Julian loves every minute of it. He’s staring at Isak – eyes wide and pupils lust blown. His hands are gripping Isak’s thighs strongly as he continues to moan around Isak’s dick – his pretty pink lips stretched around his length so beautifully.

And even as this is happening, even as the pleasure pools in stomach, as his dick throbs in Julian’s warm, wet mouth – he knows this is wrong. So, so, so fucking wrong. The feeling crawling its way beneath the pleasure that is consuming him, not letting him fully enjoy this moment.

He’s trying to forget Even by using Julian. He knows. He knows how wrong it is. He knows he uses people, uses Julian, but this feels like a whole new level of wrong.

But it doesn’t stop him.

He feels himself getting closer and closer to his release, so he speeds up his thrusts, making Julian take him deeper, causing him to gag on Isak’s dick in a way that Isak knows he loves.

And soon he’s coming down his throat, letting out a long moan, his body sagging against the wall behind him – legs feeling like jello.

When Isak feels Julian stand up before him, he lets his eyes blink slowly open, he feels satisfied – sure. But when the thought rushes into his mind stupidly, that he’d prefer if the eyes in front of him were blue – he knows his plan failed.

Julian wipes the corner of his mouth as Isak pulls his pants up, zipping them quickly, shaking his head – willing his thoughts away.

Julian smiles, Isak shudders.

He glances down at the obvious bulge in Julian’s jeans. He licks his lips.

“You want me to return the favor?” he asks, tilting his head softly.

It’s the least he can do.

Julian’s eyes fill with humor as he replies, “Oh, you have no idea how much. But I have to get to class.” He reaches down and grabs his backpack before straightening up and looking Isak directly in his eyes.

Isak wants to hide, wants to shrink away from his questioning gaze, but forces himself not to.

“So…” Julian starts, “there’s, uhm, there’s this movie I want to see…it’s playing right around the corner and I was thinking…if you wanted to, that we –” 

“Julian,” Isak sighs impatiently, letting his gaze turn sharp, “don’t.”

How many times can they have this conversation before it sinks in?

“I know, I know,” Julian chuckles humorlessly. “No strings attached. No dates. That doesn’t mean we can’t be…friendly, you know? I mean…I just had your dick in my mouth. We can’t at least be friends?”

Isak can tell Julian is getting worked up, becoming more and more frustrated, and he has every single right to be.

But Isak doesn’t like to show his weakness, his guilt, his pain. He’s good at shutting down. He’s good at closing people off, blocking everything out.

He’s a master at pretending he’s fine when really his insides are shattering.

Isak keeps his eyes cold and distant.

“Eva and Magnus are my only friends.”

“Right.”

“Look, Julian,” Isak says. “It’ll only make things messy if we complicate things, okay? This is good. What we have, right? Simple.”

Julian nods, finally giving in, lips pulling down and eyes filling with sadness.

He lies, he pretends as he speaks, “Yeah, yeah. No problem. This is good.”

Isak nods and as he leaves, he doesn’t look back, “I’ll catch you later, Julian,” he calls over his shoulder.

.

.

.

Isak paces.

He paces and paces and paces until he starts to irritate himself.

His skin is itching and it’s so fucking stupid. _He’s_ so fucking stupid.

He hates that his brain never shuts the fuck up. He hates that he can’t stop thinking, can’t stop thinking about _him_.

And most of all he really fucking hates _Even_.

He hates Even for walking into the kitchen that morning, hates him for shaking up Isak’s world without even _trying_ , hates that he’s barely even done anything and Isak already can’t shake him.

There is just something about him. Something Isak can’t put his finger on. Something driving him absolutely crazy.

The thing is – Isak doesn’t text people first.

But there is a first time for everything.

He takes a long deep breath to steady his nerves, pushing himself to do this now or he never will.

He presses the numbers on his phone as he reads from Even’s note.

**Isak** : Hey

Even’s reply is almost immediate.

**Even** : Hey

**Isak** : It’s Isak

**Even** : I figured. Knew you couldn’t stay away ;)

_Holy shit._

He’s the type of guy who uses fucking winky faces.

**Isak** : Ok, I see this was already a mistake.

**Even** : Okay, okay still grumpy I see.

**Even:** I’m sorry! What’s up?

Isak stares at the words on his screen for a little too long. He bites his lip, takes a breath to steady himself, remembers Even’s breath against his neck – and his fingers are typing before he has the chance to stop them, before his mind can catch up to his actions.

He’s being honest.

And he has no fucking idea why.

Something about this fucking boy.

**Isak** : Have to go to my parents soon. Not looking forward to it I guess.

**Even** : Any specific reason?

**Isak** : Other than the fact that they hate me? Nah

**Even** : Why would they hate you? You’re their son.

**Isak** : they wish I wasn’t tho

**Even** : that sounds dramatic. I thought parents were supposed to love their kids no matter what.

**Isak** : yeah well you’ve never met my parents

**Isak** : not like I don’t deserve it though…

Isak curses under his breath after he hits send – wishing he could take it back immediately.

**Even** : Why would you deserve it?

**Isak** : Never mind. I g2g

**Even** : Okay...

**Even** : I'll talk to you later.

Isak licks his lips, blinks down at the words a few times, telling himself that _no. They won’t talk later._

But he replies –

Isak: sure.

He taps Even’s number, adding a contact –

**_Blue Eyes._ **

.

.

.

The silence in the room is stiff and awkward. The only sound is the clanking of silverware against plates and the loud chewing from his father. He’s always been a loud chewer.

When Isak arrived about half an hour ago – his dad hugged him, his mom didn’t.

Isak pushes his food around his plate carelessly, his stomach rolling at the smell, just waiting for his parents to be finished so he can leave.

His dad clears his throat, pulling Isak’s attention to him, he wipes his mouth with his napkin and smiles lightly at his son.

A little bit of food is stuck in his thick mustache but Isak doesn’t say anything.

“So, how is school going?”

Isak shrugs, knowing neither of his parents truly care about the answer. “Okay I guess. I had to drop a few classes because it was a bit too much but other than that, I’m managing.”

Isak pushes his fork again and again into his potatoes, his eyes purposely unfocused.

But when he hears his mother laugh lightly, sarcastically, he lifts them to meet hers.

They’re cold just like they always are. A hardened ice blue, so cold that Isak truly believes if she stared at him hard enough she could freeze his bones.

They're nothing like Even's blue - soft and comforting and beautiful.

She licks her bright red lipstick-stained lips and her cheeks fill with a pink angry blush.

“Great to know that we’re paying all your bills just for you to drop classes at school.”

_And it starts…_

“Marianne,” Tarje sighs, “please don’t.”

“What?” she asks, waving her hand in Isak’s direction. “I’m just saying that it seems kind of ungrateful to me. We're paying for his food, his rent, his phone bill. All so he can just drop classes?”

Isak sees Tarje begin to speak again but he cuts him off quickly, wanting to fight his own battles once again. His dad will just try to calm his mother down. But Isak doesn’t want that. Isak wants her riled up. He wants to prove a point to his dad. He wants him to finally see just how much she hates Isak.

"You're right,” Isak says, watching Marianne’s eyes narrow in his direction, but he doesn’t back down, doesn’t look away. “I’m an ungrateful piece of shit. I’m a failure.”

“Isak,” Tarje says, “that’s not what –” 

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Isak.” his mom snaps.

He can see her grip begin to tighten around her silverware as her frustration begins to take over. Her lips thin into an angry, tight line.

“Oh, they were already there,” Isak fake-laughs. “I was just pulling them out.”

“Isak,” Marianne huffs, “don’t start.”

Isak laughs, completely fed up with this already, he tosses his fork down and watches his dad flinch at the violent clang. Isak leans back in his chair, eyebrows raised, completely taken aback by his mom’s ridiculous words.

“ _I’m_ starting?” he asks. “Dad, are you fucking hearing this?”

His dad doesn’t reply, his eyes dropping to the table, his body scarily still.

Tarje has never had a backbone but it’s only gotten worse over time. He refuses to choose between his son and his wife. He refuses to pick a side or play the mediator.

It’s pathetic.

Isak thinks he’s completely fucking pathetic.

Isak is far from perfect but he says what he means. He stands up for himself.

He hates himself but it doesn’t mean other people get to treat him like shit, especially his parents, he already does that enough to himself.  

Marianne shakes her head, forking a piece of her chicken and bringing it to her mouth casually.

It makes Isak’s skin crawl, his teeth clench, his heartbeat picking up.

“Isak, you’re always so dramatic,” she says, “I was just making a simple comment.”

“There’s a difference between a comment and a jab, Marianne.” Isak replies, speaking between his teeth.

Isak’s eyes flick over to his father again, knowing what he’ll find, but holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that he might step in this time. That he might be on his son’s side. That he might actually stand up for him.

That hope dies quickly.

“Oh, not this again.” His mother rolls her eyes dramatically. “I am your mother for Christ’s sake. Call me mom.”

Isak’s hands grip the edge of the table, rough wood digging into his palms, “You have to actually act like a mom to be treated like one.”

Isak keeps his face blank – trying to not let his emotions show. Trying to not let his hurt and anger show. He doesn’t want her to have the satisfaction of knowing she still has this power over him. This power to hit him where it hurts, to tear him down with just her words, to make him feel smaller than he could ever make himself feel.

When she replies, her voice is cold and cruel, not an ounce of care for her son there, and Isak doesn’t understand. He’s never understood how a so-called mother could hate their child so much. No matter what they’ve done.

“Look at you,” she scoffs, causing Isak’s heart to drop, knowing the next words she’s going to speak are going to hit his chest hard and painfully, “so smug. I don’t even know why you bother with school, honestly. All you do is drink and drug with those _friends_ of yours. You’re wasting your life away.”

“Don’t fucking talk about my friends!” Isak snaps back.

She doesn’t have the right to talk about them, she doesn’t have the right to even fucking _think_ about them. They’re his family now. His _real_ family.

Isak flinches as his mother suddenly stands, taking everyone at the table by surprise. The force of her movements causes glasses to knock over and plates to shake.

Isak’s water glass falls, spilling into his lap.

His chest is heaving with the harshness of his breathing as he stares up at his mother. Her face is twisted into a cruel scowl, her eyes vacant, no love, no care.

“It wasn’t you that day, Isak,” she says cruelly, her voice deadly serious, dark and low. “Don’t make me wish that it was.”

She holds her son’s gaze for a beat, letting her words sink in, making sure it hurts.

He blinks, not letting his tears fall, making sure his face is blank, his stance strong.

When she finally turns on her heels, walking away quickly, her heels clicking obnoxiously against the wood floor, Isak can’t help but think it –

_You already do._

Isak and his father sit in silence for a little longer as Isak tries to slow his heart and catch his breath.

He doesn’t cry.

He never cries.

So, he waits for the pressure behind his eyes to lessen until it’s almost gone completely.

He looks over to his father, his body language weak and his green eyes dull.

“You see why I don’t fucking come over?” Isak laughs humorlessly.

Nothing.

“ _Really_?” he asks. “You’re just going to sit there? You’re not going to say anything?”

Isak is met with the silence he expected.

He stands, making sure his chair scrapes loudly against the floor, making his father flinch.

Isak leans forward, palms pressing against the cold surface of the table, and he says harshly, “You’re fucking pathetic.”

.

.

.

Isak walks a few blocks in the cold darkness of the night, letting himself cool down, before he grabs his phone.

He scrolls through his contacts, reaching Magnus’ name, but his thumb hovers over the screen, hesitating.

He bites his lower lip, knowing this is a bad, bad, _really_ bad idea.

But he’s made Isak forget before and Isak wonders if he can make him forget again.

He scrolls back up to reach the contact name he’s looking for.

He clicks and texts before he can even think about changing his mind.

**Isak:** _Do you have a car_

Even’s response is immediate.

**Blue Eyes:** _Yep. Why?_

**Isak:** _I need a favor_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looked up Norwegian phone number formatting and that's what google gave me! I'm sorry if it's incorrect. 
> 
> I know there wasn't much Isak/Even in this chapter but this was an important chapter in terms of learning more about Isak, his past, and his parent. & no worries because next chapter is filled with Evak!
> 
> Anyway, let me know you guys are still with me and liking this! :)


	4. Knight in Shining Armor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so amazing. I honestly have no words <3\. Your feedback and love means everything. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter :) the boys are getting to know each other some more. And Even still isn't ready to give up on Isak yet! 
> 
> .
> 
> As always a big thank you to Jenn - my lovely editor <3.

.

 

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.

 

_"I wish I could,_

_but I can't grow a new heart."_

.....

 

Even pulls up about 30 minutes later in a beat-up old silver car – windows down, a wide smile on his face, hair wind-blown and gorgeous like every single time Isak has seen him.

Isak can already hear the crappy pop music playing and rolls his eyes.

_Gah, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea._

Isak moves forward and flings open the door as soon as Even rolls to a stop.  He slams the door shut and doesn’t even bother saying hi. Just stares forward, teeth clenched.

The car smells like Even and it makes Isak’s heart do flips, so he clenches his teeth even tighter.

He ignores the ache in his jaw.

Even reaches over to turn the volume on the radio down.

“Well, hello to you too,” Even says.

Isak can hear the smile in is voice. Always so goddamn peppy.

Isak sighs, figuring he should at least be slightly friendly – considering Even did come all the way out here to get him.

“Thanks for coming, man,” he says, turning to look at the older boy.

Even’s smile widens which causes the skin around his eyes to crinkle cutely and Isak lets out a long groan.

“Shit, I forgot you’re like this,” he says. “Don’t read too much into this, okay? None of my friends have a car and I really didn’t feel like taking the tram or walking.”

Even’s eyes widen in a playful kind of way and Isak ignores the butterflies in his stomach again because of the sight.

“Don’t read too much into what?” Even asks with false ignorance. “You calling me because you’re stranded? Me coming to your rescue like your very own personal knight in shining armor?”

And Isak can’t help it, he hates that he can’t help it, but he just can’t. Not when Even is looking at him like that. Wide sparkling eyes, that fucking smile – contagious and gorgeous.

Isak laughs at the other boy’s antics.

“Shut the fuck up,” he says.

“You have a cute laugh.”

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”

This only makes Even chuckle.

He puts the car in drive and pulls away from the curb smoothly.

“So, why am I here playing your knight in shining armor anyway?”

Isak shrugs, turning his head to watch the trees and people fly by.

He doesn’t want to think about the reason – his fucking parents and their fucking stupid dinner. It already makes his stomach turn again just from the thought. Already makes his skin burn with anger.

But he finds himself speaking anyway, opening up for no good reason.

“I didn’t listen to myself,” he answers. “I went to my parents to have dinner and it didn’t end very well.”

He leans forward, pressing his forehead against the cool glass, eyes falling shut.

“And they just let you walk out into the cold with no way back to school?” Even asks.

Isak lets out a humorless chuckle. “Wouldn’t be the first time. I told you they don’t like me.”

Even hums and for a few moments the car remains quiet.

And then, “my mom can be a bit of a bitch sometimes. Mostly when she's stressed but...still.”

Isak laughs again – it bubbles out of him without warning, without his permission, just like Even meant it to.

“Oh, yeah?” he says.

“Yeah.”

Isak opens his mouth to reply but is stopped when Even hits a particularly harsh bump in the road that causes Isak’s head to jolt, his forehead hitting the glass hard.

“Motherfucker!”

He reaches up to grab his forehead, already feeling a bump forming.

He turns his head to glare in Even’s direction when he hears him begin to chuckle – light and carefree.

“Ouch,” Even says, “be careful, will you?”

“Fuck you,” Isak mutters – trying to rub the pain away.

When they pause at another red light, Even reaches for his phone, scrolling through it until he finds what he wants. His eyes light up as soon as he presses play.

And then Gabrielle is coming through the speakers – unnecessarily loud.

“Are you kidding me?” Isak groans. “This is just going to add to my pain.”

Even looks over to him, his lips curving up at the edges, “What?”

“ _Gabrielle_?”

“What?” Even shrugs, turning back to the road as the light turns green, bobbing his head as he goes. “It’s snappy.”

“It’s  _snappy_? What are you – 80 years old?”

Isak can’t fucking believe this guy.

Beautiful smile. Fucking hot as hell. Great in bed. Comes in handy when you need him. Listens to fucking Gabrielle. Has a laugh that makes Isak’s heart do flip-flops.

_What have you gotten yourself into, Isak?_

The throbbing in his head is getting worse. His hands are shaking for no particular reason.

Shit, he needs a smoke.

He pats his jacket pockets until he finds what his looking for – pulling out a pack of cigarettes and his lighter.

“Mind if I smoke?” He asks.

Even shakes his head, “Nah, go ahead.”

Isak doesn’t know why he asks. Really, he doesn’t.

Normally, he’d light up first and ask questions later. Usually if the cigarette is already lit most people won’t ask him to put it out.

Yeah, he’s one of those people.

Eva is always bitching at him about his bad manners.

What can he say? He blames it on bad parenting.

Isak puts the smoke between his lips, flicking his lighter on and bringing it to the tip, mumbling around it, “So, that girl you were holding hands with. She’s really your best friend?”

Okay.

What the ever-loving fuck.

Isak doesn’t do this. He doesn’t make conversation. He doesn’t get to know people. Especially not people he’s fucked. Not tall boys with soft hair and even softer smiles. Boys who want dates and flowers and movie nights.

And he certainly doesn’t ask about their friends or…girlfriends.

But this time – he does.

His leg begins to bounce, and his teeth begin to grind.

He doesn’t know what’s happening to him.

He reaches over and rolls down his window, avoiding sending a glance to the boy beside him, letting the cold breeze touch his face, he takes a puff of his smoke before taking a deep breath of the fresh air – trying to calm his nerves.

“Yeah,” Even answers, and Isak can just _hear_ the smugness lacing his voice.

It makes Isak’s stomach drop.

“Why do you ask?”

“Okay,” Isak says, closing his eyes and bringing the cigarette back to his lips, “Never mind.”

“Okay, okay,” Even chuckles. “Sorry. Sonja, yeah. We’ve been best friends since we were like twelve.”

Isak nods but doesn’t answer.

He looks up and starts to count the stars just, so he can distract himself, just so he doesn’t have to look at Even and feel his stomach do that somersaults. So he doesn't have to feel all those emotions fill up his chest.

“I always see you around with that brunette girl,” Even continues. “She’s short. Cute. Pretty sure she works at the diner off campus.”

This makes Isak smile fondly. His response to Eva is always natural and expected. His response to _Eva_ he doesn’t mind.

“Eva. She’s my best friend.”

“So, you’ve never dated her?”

Isak barks out a short laugh, finally turning back to the blonde, eyebrows raised and smoke dangling from his lips.

Even glances at him for a moment – eyes curious.

“Oh god no,” Isak laughs, shaking his head at the thought. “In case you haven’t noticed I’m like really fucking gay. Or have you already forgotten the fact that your dick was up my ass not too long ago?”

Even laughs. His fingers begin to tap patterns on the steering wheel to the beat of the music.

“Well, you could be bisexual, pansexual, I don’t know.”

Isak shakes his head, “Nah. Super gay over here. What about you, blue eyes?”

The nickname slips from his lips so naturally, so effortlessly. It takes him a moment or two to realize he’s even said it.

Isak exhales – smoke clouding around his face, not doing much to untie the knot in his stomach.

He sees a slight blush begin to fill Even's cheeks at hearing the nickname.

He shouldn’t be asking questions. He shouldn’t be giving this boy stupid nicknames and smiling back at him. He shouldn’t be in this fucking car. He shouldn’t be texting Even and letting him think that this could go somewhere.

He knows Even likes him – he’s made that perfectly clear.

It’s never going to happen but Isak can’t help himself.

He is curious about the boy.

He wants to know.

And Isak never wants to know.

Asking too many questions, going to movies and being friends with hookups always complicates things.

Isak doesn’t like complicated.

He likes simple. He likes black and white. He likes no strings attached.

He doesn't do  _we._

But Even seems to pull the words out of him without even trying, without doing a single thing except being himself.

Shy one minute – asking Isak on dates and blushing when Isak calls him blue eyes.

Confident the next – smirking and smug and teasing Isak sweetly.

He’s not like anyone Isak has met. At least not here at university.

Isak is easily bored. He doesn’t like to stay in one place for too long – getting anxious quickly.

He doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s the way he’s wired, maybe he has a screw loose. Or maybe he’s just never met anybody who matches up to him.

“Bisexual,” Even answers.

Isak is pulled from his thoughts by Even’s voice, almost forgetting he asked Even a question.

Isak nods, “And your parents are cool with that?”

Even turns to Isak in surprise, his eyebrows raising in question, his lips turning down.

Isak licks his lips, turning his eyes forward and bringing his cigarette back to his mouth.

He feels the heat begin to pool beneath his cheeks now – embarrassment taking over.

He hadn’t expected Even to be so surprised by the question.

Although, sometimes he does forget that not every family is like his. Dysfunctional on a whole new kind of level. Fake and forced.

“Yeah,” Even answers despite his surprise, “they were pretty cool with it. Considering they’re lesbians.”

Isak’s eyes widen and he turns his head to look at Even, who is looking straight ahead. He can see Even’s smile. His cheeks are stained red from the cold air filling the car and he’s so, so lovely.

“No shit?”

“No shit.”

“Were you adopted or?”

“No. My mom gave birth to me. Her best friend, my uncle Markus, donated sperm for them. It’s kind of weird knowing he’s technically my biological father but otherwise we’re a pretty normal family.”

Isak lets out a small chuckle, shaking his head.

“How about you?” Even asks.

“How about me, what?” Isak asks, playing dumb.

He’s already sorry that he brought up the subject. He really didn’t mean to.

He takes one last puff of his smoke as he begins to shiver from the cold, before he tosses it out the window, rolling it up quickly.

Isak shrugs, casting his gaze down, focusing on the fabric of his jeans.

He clears his throat before answering. “They don’t know. I mean, actually, they do know, but they just pretend that they don’t. It’s an awkward and uncomfortable topic for them so they ignore it. Just like they do with everything else.” Isak lets out a small chuckle before continuing, “Actually, my dad found gay porn on my phone once and almost choked on his own tongue. It was pretty funny.”

Even chuckles, “What did he say?”

“He said it was just a phase. That it was normal to be curious and confused. I think he’s still hoping for the day that I come home with a girl on my arm. I gave up trying to convince him it wasn’t a phase a long time ago. It’s just easier that way.”

Isak begins drawing random patterns on his pants with his index fingers – not being able to stay still.

There’s a slight pause before Even speaks again.

“Are they really religious or something?”

“No,” Isak answers, “nothing like that. Just…ignorant I guess. Ever since I was a kid I’ve heard them talk about things like that. Gays being weird or as my mom would say – queers. Abortion is murder. Abstinence should be taught instead of safe sex. Blah, blah, blah, bullshit.”

He hears Even let out a little sigh.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“I mean, it’s whatever. I don’t spend much time with them anymore. I got out of there as soon as I could.”

A silence fills the car after that. But it isn’t still or awkward. It’s calm. Comfortable.

It's a silent promise. Isak just knows that his words would only stay in this car, his secrets would be safe.

“So, you still hungry?” Even asks.

Isak looks over at Even.

_What is it about this boy?_

“Yeah, fucking starving,” Isak replies. “My mom can’t cook for shit.”

.

.

.

They end up at a random 24-hour diner a few blocks away.

The only other customers are a man with sad eyes in the corner, sipping coffee and staring out the window looking worn down, and a mom, dad, and their small son who is crying because he isn’t allowed to get desert.

For the first time tonight, it’s finally awkward.

It was different in the car. There were buffers and ways to avoid. Isak was able to smoke, turn away and face the window, and Even was concentrating on driving – not able to look at Isak for longer than a few moments.

Now, they’re sitting across from each other – face to face. Nowhere to hide. And Isak isn’t sure what to do or say.

He taps his foot and plays with the silverware by his side. He whistles for a moment but then decides that that’s really fucking annoying. He taps the tabletop with his fingertips and lets his eyes drift to the ceiling – noticing the yellow and brown stains there.

You’d think he’s never interacted with another human being before.

Truthfully, he’s just not used to this. Making small talk.

He only talks to his friends, really. People who already know him. People who don’t make him nervous the way Even does. People who don’t make him feel things he hasn’t before.

“Great chat.”

Isak’s eyes snap down to Even’s - to find the other boy smiling annoyingly wide. His eyes sparkle with amusement.

_Royal blue._

_His eyes are more of a royal blue tonight._

“Fuck off,” Isak snaps.

This just makes Even chuckle, which makes Isak narrow his eyes in annoyance.

“So, can I consider this our first date?”

“Absolutely fucking not.”

Even tilts his head, a certain kind of fondness in his gaze, his lips falling closed into an engaging smile.

“You’re cute.”

“I am _not_ cute,” Isak huffs.

“Sure, you are.”

Isak is about to say something else, he doesn’t really know what, somewhat flustered by Even’s casual comments and compliments – but the waiter comes over to the table with their food.

A burger for Even.

Some pancakes for Isak.

Breakfast for dinner is Isak’s favorite.

.

It turns out that Even is a very messy eater. So much so that Isak can’t really take his eyes off of him – he feels like he’s watching a show.

It’s disgusting and… _endearing_.

“So,” Even mumbles with a mouth full of his burger, “what is it gonna take for you to go on a real date with me?”

Isak rolls his eyes, “Well, first – " he pulls a napkin from the holder and shoves it across the table to Even, “I’m going to need you to wipe the ketchup off your face.”

Even chuckles, not embarrassed in the slightest as he takes the napkin and cleans his face.

“So?” he raises his brows – not letting Isak off the hook.

Isak moves his eyes down to focus on his half empty plate, stabbing a pancake and bringing the forkful to his mouth.

“Why are you pushing this so hard?” Isak asks, genuinely curious.

Isak isn’t anything special. Sure, he’s great in bed and he knows he’s pretty good looking. He isn’t blind. But other than that, he honestly doesn’t know why Even is chasing him so hard.

He’s rude and grumpy and has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t date.

At first, he just assumed it was the chase, wanting what he can’t have, but Even doesn’t seem like the type to chase after someone just because they’re unavailable. He's a romantic. Someone who wants the whole - eyes meet across the room and fireworks explode and they live happily ever after.

Even shrugs, taking another bite of his burger, “You’re cute. And good in bed. And I find you interesting.”

Isak lets out a loud unattractive snort at Even’s nonsense, “ _Interesting_ , really?”

Even rolls his eyes, “Okay, mysterious then.”

“Oh god, I am _not_ mysterious. Trust me. What you see is what you get.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. In fact, I’m actually quite boring.”

Even smiles softly. Isak has no idea what he did this time to make the smile appear. Apparently Isak has a knack for making Even smile unintentionally.

“Somehow I doubt that.”

Even takes the last bite of his burger before bringing each one of his fingers to his mouth, sucking the sauce off each one loudly.

Isak wrinkles his nose at the sight.

Then Isak pauses for a moment – trying to find the right words.

“Even,” he sighs, “you don’t want to date me.”

“I don’t?”

Isak shakes his head, “I’m not exactly dateable.”

Even’s eyes are piercing – holding Isak’s gaze in a way that makes it impossible for the younger boy to look away from. He tries to catch the breath that he loses.

“You seem pretty dateable to me,” Even replies.

“You mean fuckable,” Isak says, quirking a brow.

Even pauses for a beat, lips pulling down now, “Maybe you should let me try to show you.”

Isak’s eyebrows furrow.

“Show me what?”

“How dateable I think you are.”

Those words hit Isak hard – seeming to slam directly into the center of his chest – stealing the air right from his lungs. His heart hits his chest again and again, so hard that Isak swears he can feel his ribs shaking from it.

He swallows thickly, his throat suddenly dry.

_No._

_No, I can’t._

They’re close enough to campus now that Isak can walk back to his apartment.

“I have to go,” Isak says – his voice coming out small and rough. He stands, digging in his pocket and tossing a few bucks onto the table. “I – thanks for the ride, Even.”

Even’s eyes don’t give much away, but his lips pull down further.

He nods.

“See you later, Isak.”

.

.

.

Isak walks back to his apartment in a daze. His thoughts not really here nor there. He can’t manage to land on just one thing.

Though, his heart is still racing. He’s able to feel his pulse everywhere – his wrists, his neck, pounding in his temples.

When he finally makes it home he heads straight for his bedroom, not even bothering to change into his pajamas before collapsing into bed.

He falls asleep within minutes – emotionally exhausting.

And he falls asleep to images of wide smiles and blue eyes and stupid fucking dimples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might be a few days before the next update but I promise to get it up as soon as possible!
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter. Any predictions? Your feedback and love keeps me going! <3.


	5. Tequila Shots & Cigarette Smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I lied. 
> 
> I know I said chapter 5 wouldn't be up for a few days but I'm sure you guys don't mind if I post it a little sooner, right? ;)
> 
> .
> 
> Jenn is so lovely and kind and edits so quickly <3.

 .

 

.

 

.

 

_"Not until we are lost,_

_do we begin to find ourselves."_

......

Isak wakes up on a couch that smells like cigarettes and mold. He’s in an apartment. An unfamiliar one. His hand dangles over the side of the couch – laying in something sticky and he really, really doesn’t want to know what it is.

His head is pounding, his stomach is turning, and his mouth tastes like tequila and something sour.

He groans, sitting up slowly, trying not to cause his head anymore pain.

He glances around the room – bodies litter the floor, loud snores filling the room, beer cans and shot glasses scattered everywhere.

Isak only remembers bits and pieces of last night. He remembers coming here with Eva. He remembers taking shots with her. He remembers tequila – lots and lots of tequila. He remembers fucking some guy in a hallway closet before running out to vomit in a potted plant. He remembers smoking a blunt and more shots.

He glances down to find his phone sitting by his feet. He reaches down to grab it, quickly dialing Eva’s number, it’s a much easier option than having to search the apartment for her.

Suddenly, a loud ringing comes from behind him. He turns to face the wall, his eyebrows furrowing. He moves to glance over the back of the couch and there he finds his best friend sprawled out on the floor – her shirts pulled all the way up to her neck, so her bra is exposed, her skirt is hiked up, and there’s the word SKANK written across her cheek in lipstick. Isak smiles – knowing immediately that he did it.

Eva groans, turning to her side and effectively slamming her face directly into the wall.

“Fuck!”

Isak laughs loudly, hanging up the phone.

“Motherfucker.”

“Good morning, slut.”

Eva groans again, tossing her arm over her face and mumbles roughly, “Takes one to know one.”

“Touché.”

Eva rolls over to face Isak, looking as bad as he feels, dark circles rest under her eyes and something yellow is smudged on her chin.

“Where the fuck are we?” she asks.

Isak chuckles, glancing around the apartment again to see if anything looks familiar.

“I have no idea. We must have come here after the pre-game.”

“It smells like fucking vomit in here.”

“Yeah, well, it looks like there’s a lot of it.”

They both stand up with moans and groans and muscle cramps. Isak hears his knees pop and Eva makes a comment about how he’s way too young for that to be happening.

Isak doesn’t tell her she has skank written on her face as they leave.

.

.

.

They end up heading to Eva’s diner. She gets a discount and Isak only has five dollars in his pocket.

“Shit,” Eva groans, “my head is fucking killing me. I think I’m gonna ease back on the partying for a while.”

Isak smiles. She always says that every couple of days, but it never works out. Not when Isak smiles at her so sweetly and blinks up at her and begs her to go with him.

She always caves.

“Pussy,” Isak chuckles.

“Oh, fuck you.”

Isak reaches for the handle of the front door, swinging it open carelessly, only to come face to face with Julian, who is bundled up tightly in a bulky jacket with a to-go cup of coffee in his hands.

His mouth drops open in surprise at the sight of Isak.

“Oh,” he says, eyes catching Isak’s right away, “hey.”

Isak clears his throat, trying to ignore the awkwardness of the situation, not having seen the other boy since that day in the bathroom. Julian’s eyes flick away from Isak’s as quickly as possible.

“Hey, Julian!” Eva says brightly, completely oblivious to the friction between the boys. “How are you?”

Julian smiles softly at her.

“I’m good,” he says “just getting some coffee before my class. I’m actually a little late so I should go.”

“Oh,” Eva says quietly, “okay.”

“By the way,” Julian continues, pointing to his cheek with a small smile on his lips, “did you know you have writing on your face?”

“What?” Eva brings her hand up to her cheek wiping quickly, seeing the red stain her fingers.

She turns to Isak, slapping his chest sharply, “You fucking asshole! Why didn’t you tell me?”

Isak just gives her a blank look. Saying it without words.

_Because it’s funny. Duh._

Eva rolls her eyes.

“Anyway,” Julian says, “I’ll see you guys later.”

Julian doesn’t bother saying goodbye to Isak, just turning to the side and slipping hastily past the friends.

Eva looks over to Isak with her eyebrows raised. “What’s up with him?”

The two enter the diner, grabbing some menus, and finding their normal booth in the corner.

“I don’t know,” Isak sort of lies. “I mean…he asked me to a movie and I said no.”

Eva leans back in her seat, smudged red lipstick still staining her cheek, her eyes are intense and judgmental – with reason.

“You need to start treating that boy better,” she says seriously.

Isak scoffs, his eyes scanning the words on his menu. “You don’t fucking know how I treat him. We hook up from time to time. He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Oh, cut the shit, Isak,” Eva says. “You know exactly what I mean. That boy follows you around like a fucking puppy dog.”

Isak sighs and looks up to see Eva still looking at him. Her eyes are soft but meaningful. Her intentions are genuine, because that’s just the kind of person she is. Sweet. Caring. Everything Isak isn’t.

“Are we really gonna do this?” Isak sighs, tossing his menu down. “Because it’s too fucking early for you to go all morality police on me.”

“I’m just saying,” Eva replies, “just because you’re miserable it doesn’t give you the right to treat other people like shit.”

And yeah, okay, that one hurt.

But he knows.

He knows.

It didn’t matter what Isak’s intentions were. It didn’t matter that he had no intention of being purposely malicious. Someone always got hurt when Isak got involved. Always.

That’s why he didn’t.

“I know,” he says.

Eva lets her gaze linger just a moment longer before she nods, grabbing her menu, and moving on.

They both order pancakes and eggs and coffee.

“So,” she says, eyes scanning her menu, “how was dinner with your pieces of shit parents?”

Isak lets out a humorless chuckle. His stomach filling with disgust at just the thought of them.

“How the fuck do you think it went?”

“I told you that you should have brought me.” Eva says, wide obnoxious smile in place.

“Yeah, yeah, well it’s over now and I don’t plan on going back for a long fucking time. If ever. I left as soon as I could.”

Eva’s eyebrows raise as she speaks through a mouth full of pancakes, “You walked all the way home?”

“Jesus, you’re a fucking pig,” Isak laughs as he reaches over to wipe some excess pancake off of her chin. She bats his hand away.

“Thanks, mother,” she says.

“And no, I didn’t walk home. I got a ride.”

“Who the fuck would drive all the way out there to pick _you_ up?”

“Fuck you. Some guy I just met.”

“Oh, well that explains it. He doesn’t know you and your horrid personality yet,” Eva says with a wink, her eyes sparkling with playfulness.

Isak laughs, “What’s up with you this morning? Is it pick on Isak day?”

Eva shrugs, “I’m just getting back at you for the lipstick thing.”

God, Isak loves this girl.

“Anyway,” she continues, “who is this guy?”

“Even.”

Isak looks down at his half empty plate. He ordered pancakes at the diner he went to with Even as well.

The older boy’s words bounce through his mind frantically –

_“Maybe you should just let me try to show you.”_

_“Show me what?”_

_“How dateable I think you are.”_

He feels his heart do a little flip inside his chest.

Even doesn’t mean those words.

Well, Isak’s sure he does _now_. But he wouldn’t if he knew. He wouldn’t consider Isak very dateable if he knew who he really was.

And Isak knows himself. He knows he’s a self-pitying martyr who never gives anything a chance. Eva tells him all the time just how pitiful he is.

But he also knows that it’s better this way. For everyone involved.

Even is too kind for Isak. His heart is too open, too willing to let people in, too willing to be pulled out from his chest – shattered, stepped on, abused. And that’s what would happen. Even if Isak did want to try the whole dating thing, he knows it wouldn’t work. He’s too broken for that now. He’d get scared, he’d run away, he’d hide. And he would break Even in the process.

He doesn’t want to break Even.

“Where do you know him from?” Eva asks, breaking Isak out of his thoughts.

“Oh,” Isak replies, he thinks about seeing Even that first morning – walking into the kitchen with that fucking smile and those fucking eyes, “I met him at a party. And he’s in my film studies class.”

“Are you fucking smiling?”

Isak’s eyes snap up to Eva’s, who is looking at him like he just grew a second head.

“Huh?”

“You’re fucking smiling talking about this guy.”

Isak pauses, just now noticing that his lips are curved up at the corners.

_Shit._

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

He’s a fucking mess and this is getting way too out of hand.

“No,” Isak replies – his mind sort of freezing in place, not knowing what else to say, no excuses coming to him.

Eva’s eyes narrow in his direction and Isak tries to keep his eyes innocent and his face blank. But Eva’s always been able to see through his bullshit.

“Have you fucked him?”

Isak rolls his eyes, “Obviously. Why the fuck else would he come and get me?”

“Oh, I forgot. Your dick is magical. People kneel at its greatness.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Isak chuckles. “You know what I mean. Why would I have his number otherwise?”

Isak looks back down at his food, hoping the subject will be dropped. But he can feel Eva’s eyes on him still. He can practically hear the thoughts rattling through her head, confusion radiating from across the table.

Isak swallows thickly.

This is another reason to hate Even.

Apparently, Isak can’t control himself even when the other boy is nowhere in sight.

“Why did you have his number?” Eva finally asks, causing Isak’s heart to drop and an uncomfortable kind of lightness fill his stomach.

She continues, “I mean, don’t you usually leave before you can even exchange names?”

Isak shrugs, still refusing to meet her eyes, “Yeah, well, he’s in my class too. Remember?”

Eva hums, not fully convinced.

“And yet here you are,” she says. Isak can hear the smile on her face. “Talking about him in the light of day. Interesting.”

Isak chuckles, looking up to find Eva nodding, contemplating, her finger tapping her chin for comical effect.

“You really are reading too much into this, Eva.”

“Mhm,” she says – eyes skeptical, “we’ll see.”

With that, she leans forward to continue eating. And the subject is dropped.

“By the way,” she says, “I forgot you were taking that film studies class. I bet you suck ass at it.”

“Fuck. Off. Eva.”

.

.

.

When Isak makes it back to his apartment – Magnus, Mahdi, and Jonas are spread out in the living room. Mahdi and Jonas on the floor in front of the couch, cursing and yelling as they play video games.

“Hey, boys,” Isak greets them.

Jonas and Mahdi turn to him with matching smiles. Surprisingly, their eyes aren’t red and the apartment isn’t filled with the stench of weed.

“Isak!” Jonas calls out happily.

He reaches behind him to hit Magnus’ knee – catching his attention and pointing to Isak.

“Isak!” Magnus says too, using his voice.

“What’s up?” He asks, signing the words he speaks as well.

“Just me kicking ass in FIFA,” Mahdi says and signs.

“And pizza!” Jonas adds. “You wanna join?”

Isak shakes his head, tossing his jacket on the floor lazily. “No, I gotta shower.”

_Yeah, good idea. You look like a pile of dog shit._ Magnus signs.

Isak flips them off as they laugh, leaving the room.

.

Isak enters his bedroom thirty minutes later, clean and feeling much better having washed the grime and memories of last night away.

He grabs his phone, flopping down onto his bed, and taking comfort in the feeling of his freshly washed sheets. 

Isak’s breath catches in his throat when he sees that he has one text message. From Even.

Isak hesitates before he opens it, just staring at the screen, heart already beginning to race, his palms already beginning to sweat.

He doesn’t understand this. He just met the guy. He barely knows him. But Isak can’t help this reaction by just seeing his text message. The visceral reaction that takes over just by the thought of him.

He’s never felt so out of control.

And he doesn’t like that thought. The thought of someone else having this kind of control over him. The thought of someone being able to pull something like this out of his cold, hollow chest.

He bites his lip, hesitating for only a second longer, before tapping the text message.

**Blue Eyes:** _Reason #1 I think you’re dateable: your eyes hold stories that are just waiting to be told. And I’m a very curious person. I love a good story._

Isak reads the words.

And then re-reads them.

And re-reads them again.

And again.

_Who the fuck is this boy? Who says shit like that?_

Isak’s stomach clenches, his mouth dry, his thoughts scrambled.

And before he can stop himself he finds himself texting back.

**Isak** : _how do u know my story will be any good?_

Isak sits up so quickly that his head spins. He bites on his already worn-down thumb nail as he anxiously waits for Even’s answer. He can’t take his eyes off the screen. He can’t stop the hammering of his heart.

He can’t even think about how fucking stupid this is. How stupid it is to even be replying to the text. Encouraging Even like this. Letting him think he has a chance.

His heart leaps when his phone finally chimes.

**Blue Eyes:** _I don’t. But that’s part of the fun for me._

Isak breathes in deeply. The air in the room suddenly hot and heavy.

Another text follows quickly.

**Blue Eyes:** _Reason #2 I think you’re datable: you’re really fucking hot. And I really like fucking you. I love the way you moan my name._

_Fuck._

Those words make Isak’s skin burn red as he flushes from head to toe.

Images flood his mind immediately. Images of him on his knees, Even behind him, his thrusts long and hard – making Isak see stars.

Isak remembers Even’s touch burning his skin in the most delicious way. The way Isak’s hips were sore the next day – reminding him with every step he took. He remembers Even’s sweet breath on the back of his neck causing him to shiver and shake. How amazing his dick felt buried inside of Isak. How _perfect_ it felt there.

He feels himself begin to grow hard beneath his sweatpants. He doesn’t remember being this affected by anyone since he was in high school. When he was a shy, sex- deprived virgin who got excited at the drop of a hat.

Isak tries to settle himself, calm his nerves, before he replies.

**Isak:** _if I recall I never said we couldn’t fuck anymore._

The next message comes in even faster.

**Blue Eyes:** _Reason # 3 I think you’re datable: you’re cute and the things you say make me smile. Like that last text._

**Isak:** _fuck off. I told you I’m not cute._

**Blue Eyes:** _Oh no. You’re really fucking cute._

And as Isak’s stomach fills with flutters again from Even’s words, he knows he needs to shut this down.

**Isak:** _Even, if we date it’ll just end in a disaster._

**Blue Eyes** _: And how do you know that?_

**Isak** _: because I know_ me _. I’ll get bored or I’ll feel tied down or I’ll fuck someone else and forget all about you. I’ll hurt you._

Isak tells the truth. He doesn’t beat around the bush anymore or tell Even no in a playful, grumpy sort of way. He just lays it out for him. Honestly.

**Blue Eyes** : _I’m not an easy person to forget, Isak._

Isak sends just one more text, his heart hitting his ribs again and again as he does, his breath coming too quickly and his hands shaking.

**Isak** : _no. no I bet you’re not._

He closes his phone, throwing it on the floor, and tosses himself back onto his bed – turning himself to bury his head into his pillows.

He lets out a loud frustrated scream and just lays.

He tries to keep his mind blank.

He tries not to think about Even or his silly little texts.

He fails.

.

.

.

Later that night the boys decide they want to go to a party – busting into Isak’s room and practically shoving him through the door after he says he doesn’t want to go.

Because _when did Isak Valtersen turn down a party?_

It’s true. He was usually always down for an excuse to get shit faced and find someone to suck his dick. In fact, he thinks this is the first time since he’s been at university that he didn’t want to go.

But his friends can be kind of persuasive and kind of pushy.

So, that’s why he’s here – sitting on an old dirty couch, sipping a beer, and watching the party in full swing. People doing body shots, a few kids across the room popping pills and snorting thin white lines. People kissing and grinding in corners.

He sighs, bringing the beer back to his lips.

Sometimes Isak likes to pretend he’s okay. Like really, really okay.

When it’s late at night and he’s all alone. When his mind isn’t clouded by drugs and alcohol. When the room isn’t spinning and there’s no noise except for his calm thoughts and the stillness of the night.

He smiles at the moon and breathes in the stars. And he doesn’t let himself worry. He just lets himself be okay. Just for a little while.

These nights don’t come often, but when they do Isak never wants to let them go.

But this night isn’t one of those nights.

Tonight, his heart is beating with worry and anger and loneliness. He’s bleeding on the inside. Just wishing everything could stop. Wishing everything was simpler. Wishing that he didn’t feel a goddamn thing.

He feels like his heart hardly beats.

But then it does – fast and furious and it doesn’t pause for a second.

He supposes it’s anxiety.

And he just really doesn’t want to be here. Not tonight. Not when all he can think of is his texts with Even earlier. Not when all he can think about is the fact that the boy has crawled under his skin, attaching himself there, not letting Isak shake him.

_Fuck it._

The boys have already ditched him – trying to find some girls to hook up with.

He tosses his head back, finishing the last of his beer, before slamming it down onto the table in front of him.

But right before he’s about to stand, his phone chimes.

He pauses, his chest fluttering slightly.

He pushes his thoughts away just as quickly as they come.

The stupid fucking thought that causes a surge of happiness and anticipation. The stupid fucking thought that it might be Even.

He shakes his head, reaching for his phone and flicking the screen on.

**Blue Eyes:** _Reason #4 I think you’re datable: you’re even cuter when you’re sitting in the corner at parties looking grumpy._

Isak’s eyes snap up as soon as he processes the words on his screen.

He searches the room, his eyes scanning left to right almost frantically. Until his gaze finally lands on him. Their eyes locking, making Isak’s skin catch fire.

_Even._

Isak lets out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

It’s almost like the breath is one of – _no. No, it’s definitely one of relief._

Even is sitting on the large window sill across the room. He’s, of course, smiling. His hair is mussed, and his eyes are bright and he’s wearing that fucking jean jacket that for some reason drives Isak absolutely wild.

Even raises his eyebrows.

Isak swallows thickly.

Even smirks and stands, making his way through the crowd.

Isak follows.

.

Even has Isak pressed against the wall of a random room they’ve stumbled into.

He’s currently trailing kisses down Isak’s neck, moving to his collarbones and then, pressing one directly where his heart is racing. Isak is almost positive that he’s able to feel the way it jumps uncontrollably.

Even moves back up so he can meet Isak’s gaze.

Isak is breathing heavily – his breaths coming out as sharp pants, his skin tingling with excitement, his eyelids fluttering as the pleasure begins to creep in.

“God,” Even sighs, his breath hitting Isak’s lips – he tastes like tequila shots and cigarette smoke and Isak absolutely loves it. “Your fucking mouth.”

Even brings his thumb up and traces his lips – starting with the bottom one before moving up, following the dip in his cupid’s bow. His touch is so sweet and light that it makes a shiver run up Isak’s spine. His lips begin to quiver, and he hopes Even doesn’t notice – but knowing that he probably does.

Isak lets his eyes run over the boy’s face – every bump and scar and mole.

And he utters words he’s never, ever said to one of his hookups. It’s like the words are being sucked out of him.

“You’re beautiful,” he says – voice shaking.

The words make Even smile widely.

He leans in again – his lips fitting perfectly between Isak’s own. His fingers toy with the bottom of his shirt, tugging it up as a silent signal.

Isak leans forward, holding his arms up so Even can pull his shirt off and Even quickly follows suit – pushing his jacket off his shoulders and ripping his own shirt off.

He leans close again – his bare chest pressing against Isak’s. And now, Isak can feel his heart beat too. Just as strong, just as fast.

“Reason number five that I think you’re datable,” Even whispers softly. “Your mouth. God, your mouth is perfect.”

Isak lets out a small chuckle at that one.

But that chuckle turns into a low moan when Even slips his leg in between Isak’s – his thigh rubbing against the growing bulge in Isak’s pants. The friction causes a deep heat to begin to spread through Isak’s body – starting in his stomach. He feels the skin of his neck flush.

He brings his hands up to curl his fingers into blonde hair and pulls Even’s lips back to his. He makes the kiss wet and dirty and shoves his tongue into the older boy’s mouth immediately.

He can’t help but buck his hips against Even’s thigh to relieve some of the pressure in his groin.

They stay like that for a while – kissing, grinding, Isak’s back pressed against the wall uncomfortably – even though he’s too wrapped up in Even to notice. Wrapped up in the sweet taste of his tongue, his soft touches which contradict the rough feeling of his thigh rubbing against Isak’s dick again and again.

And then Even pulls back and looks into Isak’s eyes – his are dark and predatory in a way that makes Isak moan slightly, his hips jerking forward.

“Can I fuck you?” Even asks. “Please? I really want to fuck you.”

Isak can’t do anything but nod his head frantically. He wants Even so much. He can’t remember ever wanting someone or something so much in his entire life.

Even reaches out and takes his hand – leading him over to the bed.

Soon both the boys are in nothing but their boxers, Isak laying under Even. His dick throbbing and his hands shaking and he’s practically _dying_ because of how badly he wants Even inside of him.

The lube and condom Even brought – apparently hoping to get lucky tonight – are laying on the bed next to them.

Isak lifts his hips impatiently, letting his dick slide against Even’s, causing both of the boys to moan.

Isak can see Even’s arms shaking as he holds himself up – obviously getting tired from holding his weight. So, Isak places his hands on his chest, pushing up until Even lands on his back with a surprised grunt.

Isak straddles his narrow hips as he reaches over to grab what he needs.

He bites his lip as he watches Even watch him. His blue eyes running over his face, his chest, staring, unblinking as he watches Isak shimmy out of his boxers before pulling down Even’s.

Isak looks down and sees Even hard and heavy against his stomach. Red and angry and so ready. Isak’s mouth filling with saliva at the sight – wanting to lean down and take him in his mouth.

But instead he wraps his hand around him – squeezing tightly.

Even’s back arches at the pressure, his chest flushing darker, his lips parting as he lets out a high whine.

He’s so fucking _beautiful_ like this. Blissed out, completely consumed with his pleasure, chest heaving.

And Isak can’t handle it anymore. He needs him. He needs him right fucking now.

Isak grabs the lube and quickly squeezes it onto his fingers before reaching behind himself and circling his rim – teasing himself – before pushing two fingers in, which pulls a long deep groan out of him.

He tosses his head back and enjoys the feeling of being stretched.

“Fuck, Isak,” Even moans below him.

And Isak’s sure he makes a great sight right now.

Isak stretches himself quickly, way too eager to get Even’s dick inside of him.

He grabs the condom, ripping it open, and rolling it down Even’s length before quickly covering it with lube.

He doesn’t let his gaze move from Even’s as he lifts up onto his knees, taking Even in his hands, positioning his tip at his entrance.

Even’s hands move to grip his hips tightly, his teeth sinking into his full bottom tip, eyes moving over Isak’s face again and again.

Isak’s eyes fall shut as he begins to sink down on Even’s cock.

He lets out soft moans and whines as he feels himself being stretched, his body opening to accept Even’s length.

Once Even is all the way in – Isak lets himself fall forward, his hands lying flat against Even’s chest.

His eyes blink open to find Even looking directly at him, lips parted in pleasure, breathing heavily through his nose.

Isak can’t help but smile softly.

He doesn’t really know why he’s smiling.

Maybe it’s because of how beautiful Even is like this, maybe it’s because he can’t believe how unbelievable good this feels, maybe it’s because he’s never felt anything remotely emotional while having sex.

Until now.

And he’s too consumed by his bliss to be worried about what it all means.

When Isak begins to move his hips in small circles, Even’s grip on his hips tightens, his fingernails pressing into Isak’s flesh.

Even groans at the feeling of Isak finally moving. Isak can see the way he grits his teeth, the way the veins in his neck begin to bulge slightly. Isak can feel him shaking beneath his palms.

Isak continues to roll his hips until he’s completely comfortable with the feeling of Even inside of him and then he’s lifting himself up onto his knees, ignoring the way they already burn, and lowering himself back down – again and again and again. Picking up speed as he goes.

And soon Isak is completely consumed by the feeling of being filled over and over again.

Even sits up quickly – taking Isak by surprise – and wraps his arms around the younger boy. The movement causes Isak to circle his arms around Even’s neck.

Even begins helping Isak along, thrusting his hips upward every time Isak slams his hips down.

Their skin slips and slides against each other. The only sounds in the room are their rapid breathing.

Even brings his lips to Isak’s. Not really kissing. Just there – touching Isak’s lightly.

“You feel so fucking good,” he breathes against Isak’s lips.

Isak nods frantically, his fingers curling into Even’s hair, before he pulls Even’s head back roughly to expose his neck.

Even grunts at the action but doesn’t protest.

Isak attaches his mouth to the soft skin on the left side of Even’s neck. It’s salty and wet and Isak’s never tasted anything better. He sucks – hard – making sure he’ll leave a bruise there. He wants to mark Even. He’s never felt the urge to make his presence be known on someone else’s body. But he has to with Even. He just has the _need_ to.

When Isak pulls back – Even’s eyes meet his right away – dark ocean blue.

He just stays there for a moment, some kind of unreadable emotion raging behind his eyes, hips stuttering up into Isak, and then he springs into action.

He flips Isak onto his back, arms encircling him, immediately attaching his lips to Isak’s.

And then his hips are moving faster, his thrusts come harder and harsher. He touches places in Isak that makes him see stars.

Isak whines at the feeling. His eyes practically rolling back in his head as Even finds his prostate.

“Even,” he says breathily – tossing his head back – completely gone at this point. “Even, don’t fucking move.”

He reaches down and grips the flesh of Even’s ass – pulling him closer, making him thrust even faster, making him go deeper.

Heat begins to pool in his lower stomach, his balls pulling up tightly, his orgasm so, so fucking close.

Even’s thrusts begin to stutter, obviously close to his own orgasm.

He brings his face down, brings his lips to Isak’s once more.

“Come on, baby,” Even says. “Show me how good it feels. Come for me.”

So, Isak does.

Even’s words send shivers up his spine, causing heat to spread to every single part of his body, every one of his cells set on fire.

He lets go – coming with a loud groan. His fingers dig into the skin of Even’s back, his legs coming up to encircle Even’s waist, his entire body quivering.

Even continues to thrust, causing Isak to whimper slightly – both from the pleasure and the bordering over stimulation.

Soon after, Even is burying his head between Isak’s neck and shoulder, moaning against his slick skin as his own release takes over.

The boys stay like that for a few minutes, trying to steady their breathing and calm the shake of their bodies.

Isak is completely spent – his body feeling like jello, his mind complete mush, not able to focus on anything except the weight of Even on top of him, the sound of his breathing right next to his ear, how he loves it all.

And then Even is whispering softly, tickling the skin of Isak’s ear, “Come home with me tonight.”

Isak pauses. He feels his heart leap and his stomach sink.

But this time he knows it’s not from fear.

It’s from happiness.

“Sounds good, Blue Eyes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's chapter 5! What'd you think?
> 
> & seriously this time, chapter 6 probably won't be up for a few days. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave me your feedback <3\. It makes my day :)


	6. The Master of Losing Gracefully

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovlies! I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long. But here is chapter six! I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> As always a big thank you to Jenn who edits so quickly and makes fun of my obsession with pancakes <3.

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_"Invisible chains are those which weigh the most heavily."_

_......_

 

 

Isak is sitting on Even’s couch, beer in hand, smile on his face. The old ugly leather couch squeaks every time Isak shifts his weight.

Even and Isak left the party pretty quickly after Even asked him back to his place.

Isak sent a quick text to the boys saying that he found someone to hook up with and that they were going to his place – which wasn’t completely untrue.

An hour later and Isak feels like the night is still young and the air is still fresh.

Even’s apartment is just as messy as the way he eats.

Not dirty but disorganized.

And it’s just as endearing.

Magazines and old DVD cases scatter the floor. A skateboard is tossed carelessly in a corner and Isak would bet anything that Even hasn’t used that thing more than once. Twice tops. There’s a guitar hanging pretentiously on the wall in the living room and his kitchen has no table.

It smells like a home here to Isak – not just a space to live in. It smells like Even.

Even is sitting on the floor across from him on the opposite side of the coffee table. He’s shuffling a deck of cards and whistling a stupid pop song that Isak doesn’t know.

He looks smug yet playful and Isak’s insides twitch.

They’ve already played 4 games of Gin Rummy and Isak lost every single one.

“Another round?” Even asks – smiling high and wide.

Isak shakes his head, scooting forward on the couch.

“Fuck no,” he says. “I’m done with that bullshit. I’m bored.”

Even tilts his head to the side – his eyes soft – as if they’re stuck in a daydream, drifting away with the clouds.

“What?” Isak asks, as he squirms under the gaze.

“I just thought of another reason,” Even replies.

“Another reason for wha – oh, god, Even,” Isak groans as his eyes meet the ceiling, “you’re still on this bullshit?”

“Reason number six you’re datable,” Even continues, ignoring Isak’s question completely, “you’re an adorable sore loser.”

Isak narrows his eyes.

“I am _not_ a sore loser,” he says. “I am the _master_ of losing gracefully, Blue Eyes.”

“Reason number seven. I love when you call me Blue Eyes,” is Even’s only reply.

Isak stares at nothing in particular for a moment, as Even’s words hit him like a thick wall of heat on a humid day.

He licks his lips and takes another sip of his beer.

Anxiousness begins to push against the cavity of his chest and his leg begins bouncing up and down rapidly. He tries to stop it by placing a hand on his knee, but it doesn’t seem to work.

And Even must see, must sense that something is wrong because he simply stands, reaching out for Isak, without saying a word.

And Isak takes his hand without thought, so naturally. And he lets himself be led into the unknown. The unknown universe of Even.

A part of Isak is begging to run away. But another part of him, the _stronger_ part of him, wants to give in.

So, he does.

When the boys enter Even’s bedroom – which smells like cigarette smoke and mint and rosemary – they kick off their shoes and settle onto Even’s bed. His blankets are blue like his eyes, soft like his touch, and smell as sweet as he does.

They lay on their sides, facing each other.

Isak doesn’t know how or when the mood in the air around them has changed but it has. It’s less playful, more serious – like a thick blanket has been thrown over their bodies. But it’s not a bad kind of seriousness.

It’s the kind that makes Isak’s skin prickle with bumps of excitement. The kind that makes the hair at the base of his neck stand on end. The kind that curls his toes.

It’s scary in a wonderful kind of way.

Isak’s voice is scratchy as he asks, “Why?”

Even reaches forward, brushing the curls away from Isak’s forehead, before placing his thumb on his bottom lip – running it back and forth slowly over the skin. Just feeling. Just admiring.

“Why what?” Even asks.

Isak’s eyes flutter shut at the feeling of Even’s petal soft touches.

“Why me?” Isak whispers back – so, so quietly.

Isak can try and fool himself all he wants. He can say he doesn’t know what Even is talking about. That this is just sex. Just a hook-up. But he knows what he feels. Has always felt.

This _pull_.

However random and unexpected it may be – it’s as if the universe was _demanding_ that Even find Isak.

And both boys could feel that.

They could feel the way the other’s presence clouded their minds like a swirling, heavy smoke, not letting them think of a single thing but.

From the first time he saw Even in that kitchen, the first time he looked into the most beautiful blue, when he saw that smile that could outshine the sun. Isak knew.

_He knows._

Even has already latched onto him, even in this short amount of time. His touches have bled into Isak’s skin, making it possible for Isak to feel Even’s heartbeat whenever he’s near. Even’s tender stares have painted beautiful pictures in Isak’s mind, so that every time he closes his eyes all he sees is a perfect ocean of blue.

But it doesn’t make all of the other true stuff magically disappear. Isak can’t pretend that this will ever work. That he wouldn’t end up destroying Even, that he wouldn’t rip him apart piece by little piece until there was nothing left but bone and ash and a bleeding, broken heart.

He can’t pretend that Even isn’t the exact kind of delicate thing that Isak isn’t good with. Isak isn’t careful and attentive. He can’t do _gentle_.

He’s tried before and has failed.

He’s careless and stubborn and selfish.

Isak is made up of fear and poison and pain.

“I don’t know,” Even answers honestly.

He moves his fingers away from Isak’s lips and begins combing them through Isak’s hair instead.

Isak lets out a soft sigh of pleasure at the feeling, turning his face to the side and burying it into Even’s pillow.

“I just…” Even trails off for a moment or two, as if trying to find the right words.

Isak is patient though. He counts each one of his breaths and the steady rhythm of his heart and waits.

“I saw you the first day of school,” Even finally says – his voice followed by a chuckle. “You were… _beautiful_. You were walking across campus with Eva. You were laughing at something she said and my very first thought was that I never wanted you to stop laughing. I wanted to make sure there was joy like that in your life – always.”

Even’s words begin to cling tightly around Isak’s body, slipping into his mind, settling behind his ribs where his heart is working overtime.

Isak curls his fingers into the fabric of Even’s shirt, pulling himself closer, just to feel the heat of the other boy’s skin.

He keeps his eyes closed, not sure if he’ll be able to handle whatever look, whatever emotion is swirling inside Even’s eyes.

“And,” Even continues, “I’m sure you know that you have a bit of a reputation around school. So, I was able to find out a little bit about you because everyone seemed to know who you were. I ignored all the bullshit that I didn’t need to know like…you being a partier or whatever.”

Even’s fingers continue to move through Isak’s blonde strands smoothly and Isak can’t help but pull himself even closer to him. So close that Isak’s mouth is almost touching the dip between Even’s collarbone.

“But I learned that you’re studying biophysics and went to Nissen. I learned how old you were and what parties you frequented in case I ever wanted to _accidentally_ bump into you. But other than that, I guess I just pined from afar.” Even’s voice dips the slightly bit as he speaks his next words, like he’s embarrassed. “But then you walked into my film studies class. You looked so fucking hungover and so fucking grumpy and all I wanted to do was kiss you.”

Isak lets out a tiny embarrassing whimper at those words. He feels his body begin to vibrate – overwhelmed with these new feelings seeping through his pores, tainting his bloodstream, attaching to his bones.

He squeezes Even’s shirt tighter, finally moving the last half inch so that his face is buried in Even’s neck.

He inhales deeply.

Even’s scent is seeping with honestly and warmth.

 _I want that,_ Isak wants to say. _I want you to bring me joy and kisses and laughter._

But he doesn’t. He stays still and quiet.

“And then I saw you that morning in the kitchen,” Even says, resting his chin on Isak’s head. “I was so fucking nervous, I felt like I was going to vomit. And _then_ when I saw you at the diner and I asked you out and you called me _blue eyes_. I was frozen there for like twenty minutes before I could even move.”

He pauses for a moment again, the silence in the room heavy, before he says, “That’s when I knew. There at the diner. That’s when I knew I had to have you. And I’m not talking about sex.”

Even lets out a long, heavy breath when he’s finished. He wraps his arms around Isak and pulls him impossibly closer.

Isak’s body feels both heavy and light, his mind feels both present and gone.

He’s feeling so much that it begins to feel like he’s feeling nothing at all.

Isak must be quiet for a longer time than he realizes because Even can’t stand the silence any longer.

“Well, say something,” he says.

And he wants to. He really, really wants to. But Isak’s never been good at saying things, finding words, letting people in.

Sweet and mushy aren’t his thing.

And he’s still not sure. He’s still the _furthest_ thing from sure.

So, he says the only thing he can think of, faintly, gingerly, a little snarky. His words hitting Even’s heated skin as he speaks.

“One date…but don’t read too much into it, got it?”

And then Even is laughing loudly and pulling Isak closer and squeezing him tighter.

And Isak is smiling and laughing in return and pulling away so he can place a quick kiss on Even’s lips.

And this is how the boys fall asleep – wrapped up in each other’s touch, with small lingering kisses, their smiles matching.

.

.

.

Isak wakes up to the smell of bacon and the sound of Gabrielle playing loudly – which doesn’t irritate him as much as it has in the past.

And even as he rolls his eyes, he feels his lips pull up into a smile.

He rolls out of bed and makes his way to the food – tripping on a few of Even’s things as he goes.

He finds Even at the stove, not noticing Isak’s presence as he continues to dance badly, flip pancakes, and sing horribly out of tune.

Isak leans against the archway and smiles.

“G’morning, Blue Eyes.”

Even startles immediately, dropping his spatula before spinning to face the younger boy. His eyes are wide and surprised and Isak can’t help but smile some more.

Isak can’t remember the last time he felt like smiling in _the morning._

As soon as his eyes land on Isak, Even’s look of panic turns into one of happiness, of fondness.

A look so precious that Isak’s heart surges forward in his chest almost as if it’s trying to find its way across the room to Even – defying everything Isak has built his life on, everything he’s taught it.

“Good morning,” Even breaths through a smile.

He makes his way across the kitchen in just two long strides, bringing his hands up to cradle Isak’s face, and pressing his lips against the younger boy’s.

It’s a quick kiss – no tongue or urgency. It’s sugary sweet and simple-lovely. Even tastes like toothpaste and morning-time cheerfulness.

When Even pulls back he keeps his hands on Isak’s face, just continuing to look at him.

Isak blinks up at him.

_Seafoam blue._

His eyes are more seafoam blue today.

Isak doesn’t know if it’s weird or not but they just stand there for a little while. Just staring, just smiling.

Until, Isak realizes something. It pops into his mind aimlessly and he takes a step back, causing Even’s hands to fall from his face.

Isak blinks down at the floor as his cheeks flood with a rosy kind of pink.

“What?” Even asks.

Isak bites his lip – deciding whether he actually wants to speak the words out loud or not. Because it’s a stupid, stupid, stupid, embarrassing thought. This is new territory for him and he’s going in blind. Not a clue where he is or in what direction to go.

But then Even is slipping a finger beneath Isak’s chin and tipping his head up gently and smiling lightly – his eyes wide with curiosity.

So, the words pour from Isak’s lips.

“I’ve just…” he swallows thickly, trying to calm some of his nerves. “I’ve just never had a good morning kiss,” he says shyly.

Even doesn’t react for the smallest of beats before his lips are smiling and his eyes are shimmering.

“Well,” he says, “I’m honored to be the first.”

Isak is the one who moves in this time, tilting his chin up slightly to catch Even’s lips with his own.

“Reason number eight,” Blue Eyes whispers against his lips, “I like giving you morning kisses.”

Isak smiles into the kiss, bringing his arms around Even’s neck, curling his fingers into his oh-so-soft hair.

His lips taste like hope.

“Fuck off,” Isak mumbles back.

.

.

.

_Where did you run off to last night?_

Magnus doesn’t even give Isak time to take off his shoes before he’s right in front of him, asking questions, eyes wide and curious and…annoyingly knowing.

 _Magnus,_ Isak signs, _will you at least let me change my clothes before you ambush me?_

He really does need to change. He smells like stale beer and sweat. Although, underneath the stench of last night’s debauchery – the very faint scent of Even lingers on his jacket, his shirt, and he has to stop himself from sighing in pleasure.

_Who the fuck is he turning into?_

Usually when Isak comes back from a hook-up’s place, all he wants to do is rip his clothes off – wash away their scent, erase the sound of their moans and groans, forget their faces.

Isak shakes his head at himself and doesn’t wait for an answer from his friend, just walks to his room, only to hear Magnus following behind him.

He doesn’t bother trying to shoo Magnus away or shut the door. He’s too persistent to let shit like that stop him.

Isak quickly strips off his jacket and shirt, turning to Magnus with his eyebrows raised. The other boy is leaning against Isak’s doorway, arms crossed, loose strands of his stringy blonde hair falling into his eyes.

His features are already skeptical.

_Well…_

Isak sighs, rolling his eyes before he signs, _I told you. I met someone, and we went to his place to fuck._

Magnus’ eyes narrow.

 _And you spent the night?_ he asks.

Isak simply shrugs, popping the button on his jeans, shimming out of them.

He doesn’t bother with hoping this conversation will just be dropped now with his simple answer. Magnus and Eva may be his closest friends, but they were also the most annoyingly persistent, stubborn, obnoxious, invasive people too.

_Why the fuck did he have to love them so much?_

He doesn’t elaborate after his shrug, just waits for whatever Magnus is going to try and pry out of him next.

He doesn’t want to tell his friends about Even. Not yet. Not before Isak has things a little more sorted out. Not until he truly knows what this _thing_ with Even is.

Because Isak’s cheesy thoughts and theories about the universe wanting them together are all well and good but it didn’t mean shit. The universe can want whatever it wants. But we all can’t always get what we want. Even the universe.

And Isak can already feel the syrupy sweetness of Even’s presence wearing off of him. He can feel the pessimism resurface. He can feel his muscles tightening and his mind racing and his doubts creeping back in.

_How can this one boy take all that away with one look, one hug, one kiss?_

It doesn’t make any sense.

It just doesn’t.

 _Don’t fuck with me, Isak,_ Magnus signs, _you never spend the night. I know because I’m the one who gets woken up when your drunk ass stumbles in at two am and falls over the kitchen table. You’re either lying to me or hiding something._

Isak lets out a long breath, tipping his head back to stare blankly at his ceiling.

Fucking Magnus and Eva.

Sometimes he forgets that Magnus knows him just as well as Eva does. Just because Isak doesn’t tell him literally everything, like he does with Eva, didn’t mean Magnus doesn’t know Isak – that he doesn’t pay attention.

Magnus snaps his fingers loudly to recapture his friend’s attention, making Isak roll his head forward slowly.

 _Okay, okay. I slept at his house because he’s a friend._ Isak signs.

_Oh, really now? Does Eva know about this…friend?_

Isak lets out a huff of frustration before he signs back, _Yes, but_ _it’s not that big of a deal. You two are always so fucking dramatic._

_Was it that guy that I met the other morning? What was his name? Even?_

_Get out._ Isak signs – giving an answer as clear as any other.

Magnus lingers by the doorway for just a few seconds longer, an eyebrow raised in suspicion, a subtle barely-there smirk on his face.

“I see you, Valtersen,” he says out loud, before finally leaving, shutting the door behind him.

Isak closes his eyes – only to be met with the image of crystal clear sun-lit silly-happy blue eyes – wide and sparkling and perfect.

“What the fuck are you doing to me, Blue Eyes?” he mumbles to himself.

.

.

.

Isak spends the next few days throwing himself into his school work.

Despite what his parents think and despite his choice of recreational activities – Isak does take his studies seriously. He’s in university for biophysics for fuck’s sake. If his mom thinks that shit is easy then she’s just as air-headed as he believes her to be.

Yeah, Isak partied in high school. He went out with friends and fucked around just like any other teenager. But he always worked for his grades in school. He made sure he went to class and stayed in when there was a big test the next day.

He supposes his mom stopped paying attention to all that after…everything. But Isak worked his ass off for his grades, for his chance to get into a good university.

He likes what he studies and he’s really fucking good at it.

Isak has always been fascinated with the unknown. Ever since he was a young boy – he wanted to know all of the _whys_ and _hows._ Why everything worked the way it did and how it got to work that way.

It was a natural urge. To learn, to discover, to solve.

Isak can’t control much in his life. In fact, he’s not sure that he can control anything in his life at the moment. And he sure as hell doesn’t know how to solve any of it.

But science, biology, physics, and everything in between. That could be controlled. It was solid fact. Fact that could be applied to most anything. Fact that helped Isak answer his whys and hows.

Now, Isak is sprawled across Eva’s bed, her head resting in his lap as his hands comb through her lovely auburn strands. She’s been up partying the last few days so Isak can feel the oil and dirt building up in her hair.

Her eyes focus on nothing in particular and Isak can feel her sadness.

“Talk to me, girl,” Isak says softly.

“Do you believe in God?” Eva asks.

“What?” Isak laughs – that definitely wasn’t what he was expecting.  

Eva’s eyes blink over to him, dull and questioning, no humor in sight.

Isak never likes seeing his best friend like this.

These moods don’t come around a lot for Eva, but when they do, each one is worse than the last. These periods where Eva gets so lost inside her own head that not even Isak can pull her out.

No matter how many times he’s tried to get her to go talk to someone, not just him but a professional, she turns him down with an eye roll and a silly laugh.

“God,” Eva repeats. “Do you believe in him? Or her?”

Isak gazes down into her beautiful eyes – a little bit tired, a little bit tormented.

“Uhm, I don’t know,” he answers truthfully. “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“I don’t,” Eva says – her eyes drifting shut. “I used to. But I don’t anymore.”

Isak lets out a sigh and bites his tongue. He has to wait to bring up the therapy again. He has to wait until she’s not like this. Tired and lonely and sad.

“Why?” he asks her instead – humoring her.

She shrugs, even though she seems to have an answer anyway. “The world is too ugly for there to be a god. People like to pretend that there’s a god out there somewhere because it makes them feel better. Makes them feel like there’s something for them to hold onto. But they just don’t want to face the truth.”

Isak swallows thickly, his chest throbbing at Eva’s words, wanting to lift her, cradle her in his arms, hold her as closely as he can.

“And what’s the truth?” he asks instead.

“That we’re all alone.”

Isak is quiet for a moment. If this were a normal conversation between the friends, Isak would probably agree. One of those conversation where they’re both a little down and a little too high and rambling on about everything and anything and nothing all together.

But not today.

“You’re not alone,” he tells her.

She opens her eyes, sighs, “no?”

Isak shakes his head, moving his hand from her hair to her cheek, running his fingertips across her soft, heated skin.

He smiles softly, “No. You have me.”

And Eva smiles back.

“Don’t you have a test you should be studying for?” she asks – all talk of God and the meaning of life dropped just as quickly as it started.

Isak has been trying to study for this test for hours now, but he can’t seem to get his mind to focus on the words of his textbook – they kind of just blur and run together. Which is really, really unusual for him. He’s a great studier. He’s not an overachiever or anything but he’s definitely not a slacker.

 _And_ that’s another reason to hate Even.

Because _he’s_ the reason Isak can’t concentrate. Him and his sun-lit happy eyes and sweet lips and precious, delicate laugh.

He has been hounding Isak since he first met him about this fucking dating thing, but the minute that Isak agrees… _nothing_.

Isak hasn’t heard anything from the other boy in three days now and it’s wearing on Isak’s nerves.

Isak thinks that maybe he was right. That this was just about the chase. About wanting what he couldn’t have. Maybe Isak misjudged Even completely.

And the thought makes a stupid uncomfortable feeling settle in the hollow of his chest.

“Why do you look like someone just shot a puppy dog?” Eva says – startling Isak.

He looks down at her, laughing, and shrugs.

Her eyes narrow, before saying, “When were you going to tell me you slept over that guy’s place?”

Isak groans, tossing his head back against the wall.

_Fucking Magnus._

“You two are fucking ridiculous.”

Eva laughs, reaches up to flick the tip of Isak’s nose and pinches his nipple until he laughs with her.

“Does the untouchable, heart of ice, doesn’t get attached to anyone… _the_ Mr. Isak Valtersen have a _crush_?”

Isak snaps his eyes down to glare at her, a wide obnoxious smile spread across her face, eyes sparkling. Her yanks her hair…hard. She yelps.

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t do crushes.”

Eva nods, humming softly, “Then why are you so angry?”

“Okay, get the fuck off my lap.”

“Are you blushing?”

Eva’s loud laugh turns into a surprised shriek as Isak shoves her off his lap and onto the floor.

.

.

.

**2010**

Isak stands – completely frozen – in the hallway.  

People move all around him. Nurses pushing carts, doctors walking side by side talking in hushed serious-seeming whispers, visitors pacing nervously or exiting with relieved smiles.

But Isak just stands, completely unmoving. His ear pressed to the cool surface of the door where his parents are speaking in hushed whispers.

His insides shake but his body doesn’t seem to move at all. He can’t do anything, he can’t say anything, he can’t _think_ anything.

It’s been a few hours since Isak rushed through the doors, following the doctors that wheeled his sister in frantically, calling out codes and words that he didn’t understand.

He answered all their questions through ragged breaths and a pounding heart. He answered them through his teary eyes and despite his shaking hands.

_How long has she been unconscious?_

_What did she hit her head on?_

_How long before you called the ambulance?_

He answered every single one. But they didn’t answer any of his in return.

_My sister’s going to be okay though, right?_

_She’s breathing still, right?_

_The fall wasn’t that bad, right? It was just a little fall. She just slipped!_

When his parents arrived, they were just as frantic as he was. His mother blew right past her son without a second glance, his dad at least patted him on the shoulder and told him everything was going to be okay.

Terje had no idea that his words were a lie. The biggest lie he had ever told his son.

Now, he stands alone – small and scared.

The doctor had entered the room just a few minutes ago, asking Isak to leave the room so she could speak to his parents.

So, he waits, and he listens.

But he knew what was coming as soon as the doctor entered. He saw it in the doctor’s eyes. He saw it in the way she walked, the way she held herself, heard it in way she spoke – overly soft, overly calming.

His brain only registers some of the words and sentences being spoken on the other side of the door – _Brain dead. She’s not in there. The monitor is doing the breathing for her. Taking her off the machine._

And he can’t move. He can’t fucking move.

And then everyone around him seems to follow suit. They freeze as well. Stopping in their tracks as they’re startled into silence.

Now, all that can be heard echoing through the hospital halls are his mother’s grief-stricken cries.

As soon as Marianne heard the words the doctor spoke, her voice tentative and sympathetic – _I’m sorry. We’ve done all we can do for your daughter._

_No._

_No. no. no. no. no. no. no._

Suddenly Isak feels the cold metal of the door disappear, and his body is falling forward, hitting the tiles beneath him with a loud thud.

He blinks up to see the doctor standing above him. Her eyes are soft and green just like his sister’s.

“I’m sorry,” she says, before stepping around him.

His mother’s eyes snap to him immediately. Her eyes are red and swollen, her makeup running down her face in black and red streaks, snot settled above her upper lip. His dad stands beside her – silent tears running down his face, his arm wrapped around his wife’s shoulders.

And then she says those words.

Those words that would haunt Isak for the rest of his life.

Those words that would haunt Isak’s dreams, sink into the furthest places of his heart, burn his skin, cling to his bones, plant themselves in his stomach, and torment his soul. Forever.

First –

_“You were supposed to be watching her.”_

And then –

_“This is all your fault, Isak.”_

_._

_._

_._

**03.30**

**Blue Eyes:** _Saturday. Meet me near Building A @ 21:21. Time to experience the date of your life, Valtersen!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Predictions? Please let me know! It means the world <3.


	7. One Mint Chocolate Chip, One Strawberry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the slight delay on this chapter but university has really been kicking my ass. I'm half asleep while typing this note and have an essay due in a few hours. Hahaha. 
> 
> All your feedback and love means so much to me <3.
> 
> Anyway, heres the first date you guys have been waiting for! I hope it doesn't disappoint. 
> 
> .
> 
> As always a HUGE thanks to my editor Jenn <3\. She makes me look like I know what I'm doing in terms of grammar.

_._

 

_._

 

_._

 

_“In every man’s heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibration of beauty.”_

 

_......_

_“Issy?”_

_Isak groans – his sister’s soft, timid voice calling out from the doorway. He looks up to see her standing there sheepishly, knowing she interrupted him, twirling a strand of her chestnut brown hair, her fluffy pink dress dirty from playing outside._

_His sister really is a little girl made up of contradictions. She loves to play soccer and race bikes with Isak. She isn’t afraid to get dirty and scrape a knee or elbow, but she always liked to do it in one of her pretty, flowery dresses that she loved so dearly._

_“Lea, I told you not to call me that ridiculous name,” he says – his voice gruff._

_She just smiles at him. Isak can get snippy with her just like any older brother gets with their little sister. But Lea knows, when it came down to it, Isak would do anything for her. She’s a smart girl._

_“And I told you I would anyway,” she giggles._

_Isak rolls his eyes, but he smiles just the tiniest bit._

_“You know, Issy,” she says, moving into his room, standing at the edge of his bed, “it’s my birthday tomorrow.”_

_Isak widens his eyes in false surprise. “It is? Shucks. I didn’t even get you a present!”_

_Lea laughs – her eyes sparkling and her smile wide._

_Isak can’t help but smile back. Of course, he knew it was her birthday. He has her present tucked neatly beneath his bed, so she couldn’t accidently find it. She tended to wander into his room without knocking._

_Especially at night when she has nightmares. She would sneak into her brother’s room, curling up next to him, and Isak could feel her tear stained cheek press against his chest. He would rub her back and whisper words of comfort until she fell back asleep peacefully._

_Of course, he could never, ever forget his little sister’s birthday._

_“Stop, Issy!” she giggles. “You know I’m gonna be nine!”_

_Isak smiles, “I know – little baby sissy girl.”_

_He says the words just to get a rise out of his sister. He knows how much she hates when he calls her a baby. And yeah, he may love her and want to protect her, but he can still be a teasing, annoying older brother._

_Lea’s eyes immediately narrow, an angry flush spreading across her cheeks. She plants her hands firmly on her hips and glares. Isak can’t help but think that she looks like a kitten pretending to be a lion._

_“Shut up!” she says in a stern voice. “You’re only twelve! And your birthday is six months away.”_

_Isak smiles, “Still older than you little girl.”_

_He sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry at her and her frown slowly turns into a smile._

_“Can you take me to the lake?” she asks, changing the topic completely._

_He sighs. Lea’s favorite place to play is the little river that runs through the woods a few blocks from their house. She likes to skip stones there just like Isak taught her. She likes to watch the fish swim and hop on the rocks that lay in the shallow water. Isak doesn’t really understand her fascination with the lake. He asked her one day and she simply replied with – “It’s pretty there. I’m happy there.”_

_Of course, she wasn’t allowed to go alone so Isak always ended up getting stuck taking her. God knows his parents would never take time out of their precious schedules to actually spend time with their daughter._

_And sometimes Isak didn’t mind taking his sister. Sometimes he actually enjoyed it. When he was in the mood, playing with Lea was actually fun, watching her laugh and run and trip. And then glare at Isak when he laughed at her tripping. For a girl who loved to play outdoors she was awfully clumsy._

_But then there were times like this. When he wasn’t in the mood to play or babysit._

_He always felt bad saying no to his sister, especially when she looked up at him with those wide doe eyes and her lip trembling slightly. He swears she does that shit on purpose just to make him cave._

_He groans before saying, “Not today, Lea.”_

_She pouts – literally stomping her little foot against the hardwood floor._

_“Why?” she huffs. “All you’re doing is sitting here reading. It’s not like you’re going out with your friends.”_

_Isak sighs, “That’s exactly why I don’t want to go. I’m relaxing. I’ve been stressed.”_

_“What do you have to be stressed about?” Lea asks sassily. “You’re twelve.”_

_Isak just stares at her for a moment, and Lea stares back, her face completely serious. And Isak can’t help but burst out laughing. She may be a little girl, but she definitely was too smart and almost too grown up for her own good._

_She crosses her arms, not finding Isak’s laughing amusing apparently, and waits for him to give her a real answer._

_“I’ll take you tomorrow, okay?” he says. “It’ll be your birthday present.”_

_Lea just rolls her eyes and huffs._

_Then – she holds her pinky out, looking at Isak expectantly, “Pinky promise?”_

_Isak smiles, reaching over to link his pinky with hers._

_“Pinky promise,” he replies._

_She gives one final nod before turning on her heels and heading for the door – but before she exits she stops short, turning to her brother one final time._

_“That’s not really my present is it? I mean you got me a real one, right?”_

_Isak laughs loudly, shaking his head at his sister, “Yeah, Lea. I got you a real present.”_

.

.

.

Isak glances at himself in the mirror one last time – making sure he doesn’t look like a _complete_ idiot.

The thing is – Isak’s never been on an actual date.

He’s hung out with his hookups at parties after they’ve fucked. Or in high school he’s watched a movie or two with a boy he liked but it always ended with sex and goodbye kisses.

He asked Even if he should wear anything special but the only reply he got was –

_Anything you want, baby._

Isak rolled his eyes at the nickname but couldn’t hide the blush he felt spread across his cheeks and chest.

_And_ the thing is – Isak is nervous. Like, actually properly nervous.

He can’t remember the last time he was nervous like this. Butterflies-in-his-belly, shaky hands, happy-stupid-silly kind of nervous. He’s not sure he’s ever been nervous in fact. At least not with this. With boys.

Boys were something Isak knew how to handle. They were easy for Isak. All he had to do was toss a smile their way, bat his eyelashes, lick his lips and they were his. No words had to be spoken. No secrets had to be shared. Nothing but a look, nothing but a fuck.

And just that thought makes Isak’s throat feel a little tight, causes sweat to gather at his lower back.

This date is going to be _all_ words. Even is good at words. He’s good at smiles and conversations and Isak is definitely…not.

He really wishes he could ask Eva about all of this shit but he’s not ready to tell her. Not yet.

Before Isak can get too tied up in his own thoughts his phone chimes from across the room. He moves over to his bed and flicks the screen on.

**Blue Eyes** : _What’s your favorite flavor ice cream?_

Isak doesn’t know why, but he smiles.

**Isak** : _mint chocolate chip_

**Blue Eyes** : _Good choice!_

**Isak** : _see you soon, blue eyes._

.

.

.

Even was already there when Isak arrived – cheeks wind-stained, smile wide as ever, eyes filled with stars and he had…two ice cream cones in his hands. One mint chocolate chip, one strawberry.

Isak stops in front of him and they’re both silent for a moment. Their eyes roaming over the other.

And Even is… _beautiful._

Isak has never seen anyone as beautiful than Even.

It’s not just about the way he looks either. Isak can just feel his beauty whenever he’s around him. It radiates from his body in waves of heat and caresses Isak’s skin like soft silk, wraps around him like a worn-in blanket. A blanket he knows well. It’s like an invisible rope is reaching out from Even’s heart, touching Isak’s own, knotting around it and tying them together.

Even’s presence envelopes him so completely, so intensely that it rocks Isak’s body from the inside out.

Half of Isak is petrified and the other half has never been happier.

“Hi,” Even says, breaking the silence.

Isak chuckles at the enthusiasm in the older boy’s voice. Even is practically vibrating with excitement, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Hi,” Isak replies.

He looks down to the treats that Even holds in his hands.

“Isn’t it a little cold for ice cream, Blue Eyes?” he asks.

Even laughs, shaking his head, “It’s never too cold for ice cream.”

He shoves the cone in Isak’s direction and Isak takes it with a smile.

And before Isak can even thank him or take a lick of his ice cream – Even is leaning in and pressing his cold, soft lips to his.

It’s a quick kiss, a sweet kiss, an innocent-happy-hello kiss – that Isak grins into.

“Reason number nine,” Even whispers – his breath hitting Isak’s lips, his taste touching his tongue, softness and mint and cigarette smoke. “Your kisses make my heart race.”

Isak pulls back, eyes widening at the honesty of Even’s admission.

No one has ever said anything like that to Isak.

Even’s eyes don’t move from his.

_Dark blue like a dimming night sky._

_His eyes are more of a dark blue tonight. Pupils wide and hypnotizing._

Isak swallows thickly before answering, only kind of, sort of chuckling through his nerves – “You’re the cheesiest motherfucker I have ever met.”

Even smiles, raising his eyebrows high, before moving his hand to Isak’s chest. Pressing hard right over his heart. And even through Isak’s thick jacket they can both feel his heart beating double time.

“Reason number ten,” Even says, “my kisses make your heart race too.”

Isak’s lips part, a small surprised breath leaving his mouth. But before he can say anything or even think of something to say, Even is laughing loudly and pulling away and taking a large mouthful of his ice cream.

His hair is a bit greasy, but his clothes are brand new and smell freshly laundered.

The strawberry slicks his lips, some dripping onto his chin, and he doesn’t bother wiping it away.

And Isak just stares for a moment. An unexplainable feeling engulfing him so suddenly and so fiercely that he almost gasps out loud. Almost drops his ice cream to the ground. It starts in his toes – a tingle-tickle that makes his pulse race. It moves up his body – causing his legs to tremble and his belly to burn in the most wonderfully frightening ways. He feels as his heart almost shifts inside of his body, moving away from its old place and into a new position.

It’s something he’s never felt before. He can’t quite put his finger on it – not knowing what the fuck it is.

It’s new, it’s fucking terrifying, it makes Isak want to turn around and run away and hide forever.

But it’s also…amazing. It’s beautiful and exciting and electric. It makes him want to run right into Blue Eye’s embrace.

And Isak knows it’s all because of Even.

Isak shakes his head as he watches more ice cream drip from the other boy’s chin landing on his jacket. Isak tilts his head – a look of fondness settling inside of his chest, warming his entire body. He brings his own cone to his mouth.

“So, what are we doing tonight?”

.

They sit on a bench at the edge of campus to finish their ice cream. And then a new kind of energy seems to take over Even. He hops up so quickly that it startles Isak. He’s grabbing the younger boy’s hand and pulling him so quickly that Isak is practically tumbling and tripping over his own feet.

Even opens the passenger side door for him when they reach the car, Isak asks him what the fuck he’s doing, and Even says, “It’s our first date and I’m a gentleman.”

“Fuck off, Blue Eyes,” he mumbles back.

But he’s blushing and ducking his head and slips into the seat hoping Even doesn’t notice.

They drive with the windows down and the radio up. Even is laughing and joking and driving way too fast. Isak even tells him to slow down a bit but Even just chuckles – telling him life isn’t worth it if you don’t add a bit of danger.

Isak gives him a strange look but then Even is reaching over and kissing his cheek at a red light and Isak forgets everything but him.

The freezing air whips through the car – wild, wild, wild and night-time-free.

“Do you feel that, Isak?” Even practically yells over the music.

Isak turns to him – his cheeks are red chapped, and his cheekbones are highlighted so delicately by the moon and Isak can’t look away.

“Feel what?”

“The possibility! Can’t you feel it in the night air? Smell it in the wind?” Even says – voice loud and enthusiastic. He looks over to the boy beside him and smiles, doesn’t blink, doesn’t hesitate as he says, “We can do anything, Isak. Be anybody! We can fucking own the whole goddamn world if we want to. We can destroy it! We’re invincible!”

Isak’s eyes widen, his breath being stolen from his lungs. Even’s body is practically shaking, his excitement overwhelming and strange but welcomed.

Isak enjoys this part of Even. His excitement and light and happiness. It balances Isak’s pessimism and brings some good into Isak’s life.

But tonight, something is…off. Isak can tell, even if he hasn’t known Even that long he can see that something is off. Not in a bad way. But in a weird way.

He can feel the energy in the car buzz around him – smothering and overwhelming.

Isak briefly wonders if maybe Even took something before meeting Isak. Or maybe he’s so happy that Isak agreed to this date or he’s nervous.

Isak pauses for a moment – trying to figure out exactly what to do.

He didn’t want to destroy the world.

He reaches out and places his hand delicately on top of Even’s where it grips the steering wheel to tightly.

“I like you the way you are, Blue Eyes. Let’s just be us tonight. No destroying,” Isak replies.

And that’s the sappiest shit he’s ever said in his life. But he sees that his words seem to settle the frenzied look in Even’s eyes. He smiles.

“Okay, sappy baby-boy.”

Isak rolls his eyes. But he blushes, and his heart does those stupid little twists and turns.

“Fuck off.”

Even pauses, staying stopped at the light even as it turns green, thankfully no cars are behind them.

Blue Eyes licks his lips, swallows thickly, looks like he wants to tell Isak something but isn’t sure if he should.

“What is it?” Isak asks softly.

“You know,” Even answers, “it’s my birthday today. Or well, tonight now.”

Isak’s eyes widen.

“Really?”

Even nods.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Even shrugs, taking Isak’s hand that’s still touching his own, and intertwining their fingers. He focuses his eyes on their hands. Isak hopes he can’t feel the way his are shaking as their palms press together.

“I don’t know. I’m not big on birthdays.”

Isak nods. He definitely understood that. He hasn’t celebrated a birthday since…well, since.

“I’m twenty-one.”

Isak smiles, “I would have gotten you something at least.”

Even lifts his head finally, lips curving up so preciously.

“This date can be my present.”

.

.

.

Isak’s lungs work over time, his body vibrating with excitement and happiness and freeness.

These feelings consume him. They surround him, astound him. And they’re all the fault of one happy laughing blue-eyed boy behind him.

The cold night air whips around him and hits his cheeks hard, burning them harshly.

His eyes water and he never wants this feeling to stop.

He races ahead of Even and kicks sand up behind him as he runs.

“I’m faster than you!” He hears Even call out from behind him.

Isak smiles into the night air, breaths in the moon and stars and the ocean-salt-air.

It’s okay that Even’s faster because if Isak is being honest, he wants Even to catch him. He wants to feel his cool, soft skin against his.

He runs faster though, just because he can, because this is the game.

“Come on loser!” he calls back to him.

The breeze carries Even’s light laughter to Isak’s ears. He can taste Even’s joy in the air.

The night surrounds them and keeps them safe.

So, they run, run, run and run some more.

They run until Isak’s legs begin to burn, until they begin to shake beneath him.

He feels Even getting closer behind him.

Isak is laughing into the night.

It’s not until he feels a sharp stab on the bottom of his foot that he stops laughing. Instead, he gasps, and his knees give out. The sudden stop takes Even by surprise and he ends up slamming right into Isak. Tripping and tumbling down into the softness of the sand, limbs tangled, hair being pulled, and laughs soft.

They both laugh until their stomachs hurt.

They’re side by side in the sand – happy and uninhibited and wild-wild-free.

Isak’s never felt this kind of joy. This joy that is so pure and unexpected and terrible and wonderful and unwelcomed and welcomed and…everything.

Even reaches over and intertwines his fingers with Isak’s, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And Isak feels as if it is. He feels a recently familiar pressure in his chest.

And Even is responsible for that too.

Isak squeezes his hand softly, just because, and Even squeezes back.

Isak feels his eyes on him but he doesn’t look.

He stares up at the stars, smiling. The air is chilly but Isak is sweating, his hair sticking to his damp forehead. He feels the heat rise and burn under the skin of his cheeks. He feels his heart pound in his throat.

But he feels good. He swears he has never felt this… _content._

“You’re beautiful.”

Isak doesn’t reply.

“Isak.”

Isak sighs.

“Reason number eleven you’re datable is that you’re the only person I’ve met that can run just as fast as me.”

Isak laughs, “Shut up, Blue Eyes. You’re harshing my mellow.”

Even smiles. Isak can see him from the corner of his eye. Even is just as happy as him and that warms Isak’s chest. He deserves to be happy.

Isak sighs and turns his head.

He squeezes Even’s hand again.

“Happy 21st, birthday, Blue Eyes,” Isak says.

Even smiles as a silent thank you.

And then he’s moving closer, slow, slow, slower until finally his lips touch Isak’s softly.

The tingles start from where their lips connect and spreads – sending electricity through his whole body.

Isak sighs into the kiss. He feels Even’s hands softly touch his face.

His hands are perfect on Isak’s skin. His lips are perfect on Isak’s own.

Even’s kiss is lovely-sugary-sweet and it’s only a simple, light, chaste kiss.

He tastes like his strawberry ice cream and freshness and pure goodness and _Even_.

He pushes his lips hard against Isak’s.

Isak moans, he can’t help it, Even’s lips are that good.

Even smiles into their kiss.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers.

This time Isak replies with a smile and replies, “So are you.”

They continue to kiss and kiss and kiss, kiss, kiss, until it becomes too much for both of them, and heat begins to pool in the pit of Isak’s stomach. His body flushing red hot despite the winter night air.

Even rolls their bodies until Isak is pressed into the sand. Even hovering over him, hips settled between Isak’s legs. His thigh pressing into Isak’s rapidly hardening dick.

Isak groans, his hands reaching up to lace his fingers into Even’s dirty strands, lifting his hips gently, invitingly. He can’t help it. Isak has never been so affected by someone in his entire life. His body responding to every single one of Even’s touches – sexual or not. It’s like Even was made for him, made to fit perfectly against him.

Even suddenly bites Isak’s bottom lip softly, pulling it and letting it slide between his teeth.

Isak’s eyes flutter open, meeting Even’s, whose stare is filled with desire and playfulness and…something Isak can’t quite place.

“Will you let me make you feel good?” Even whispers – breath fanning across Isak’s face.

He pushes himself a bit more forcefully against the bulge in Isak’s pants and Isak lets out a small, pathetic sounding moan.

Isak smiles softly, licking his lips, his body and heart on fire.

“You already are.”

Even blinks down at him slowly, the right side of his lip lifting into a soft smirk.

He leans down and presses his cold lips to the heated skin of Isak’s neck – causing him to practically shiver-shatter apart.

Even unzips Isak’s jacket, moving quickly from there, pressing firm kisses to Isak’s body. He kisses his Adam’s apple, running his tongue over it slowly – making Isak moan and tighten his hands in Blue Eye’s hair.

Isak has never been treated so delicately. Sex has never been something slow and sensual for him. It’s always been fast with one goal in mind – getting off.

But Even has been introducing Isak to all sorts of new feelings – since the first moment he met him.

Even continues to move down his body, eyelashes kissing Isak’s skin, his nose skimming along the side of Isak’s face – inhaling his scent deeply. Even presses his lips to the dip between his collarbones, right above his frantic beating heart, moving further until he lifts Isak’s shirt just slightly – pressing a kiss to his navel, circling it with his tongue.

Isak giggles softly as Even tickles him.

Even pops the button of Isak’s jeans, quickly reaching into his boxers, and gripping him tightly – pulling his dick out.

Isak lets out a loud, deep groan. He tosses his head back into the sand and shakes. He has to close his eyes as the pleasure begins to pulse through him – setting his veins on fire, making him flush from head to toe, causing his toes to curl painfully in his shoes.

His dick pulses beneath Even’s touch.

The cold air hitting his skin doesn’t even register because then Even is leaning down, his tongue lapping at Isak’s tip.

“Shit Even,” Isak sighs, his hand moving down to grip onto Even’s hair – resisting the urge to thrust his hips up and into Even’s mouth completely.

“Isak,” Even says softly.

Isak immediately leans up on his elbows, opening his eyes and meeting Even’s lust-filled gaze.

“I want you to fuck my mouth,” Even says – his voice deep and rough, speaking the hottest goddamn words Isak has ever heard. “Can you do that?”

Isak almost loses it right there and then. His elbows almost giving out beneath the weight of his body.

He’s never had anyone says things like that to him. Something so sinful and dirty coming from such sweet, pretty lips.

Isak groans, nodding frantically, unable to form a coherent thought, unable to find his voice.

Even nods firmly as Isak drops back into the softness of the sand.

Isak reaches down and grips the hair at the back of Even’s head.

Even moves down and wraps his lips lightly around just the tip of Isak’s cock, his hot, wet tongue pressing against his shaft, and stops there – obviously waiting for Isak to take the lead.

Isak starts slowly – tilting his hips up lightly, guiding Even’s head down his length. He can’t help the groan that falls from his lips, his body shaking, his dick pulsing and swelling inside of Even’s mouth. Even uses his tongue and teeth just the right amount and it drives Isak wild.

Just the thought of Even letting him have this kind of control over him makes Isak burn hotter, thrust faster, harder, feeling himself hit the back of Even’s throat again and again. Even gags slightly but doesn’t make any move to stop Isak. He just grips the younger boy’s thighs, fingernails pushing harshly into the fabric of Isak’s jeans.

His eyes blink up to Isak – almost completely black.

“Fuck Even,” Isak says breathily, “you look so fucking good taking me like this.”

And when Even’s eyes begin to sparkle mischievously, and he smiles slightly around Isak’s cock – Isak can’t help it. It moves fast from there.

He grips Even’s hair tightly, fucking into his wet, warm mouth frantically, and when he comes – loud and fast and earth-shattering – Even swallows everything Isak gives him.

And then his lips are on Isak’s and he tastes himself on his lips and Even is laughing and happy and stroking Isak’s face so softly as Isak comes down from his high.

“Best birthday ever,” Even says.

.

.

.

The next morning Isak wakes up to sunshine and warmth and a text.

**Blue Eyes** : _Reason #12 you’re datable: I like giving you goodnight kisses._

Isak tries not to smile like some kind of sappy idiot. He really, really does. But it doesn’t work. Even has that effect on him.

After the beach, the boys walked back to Even’s car hand in hand. Isak told him he’s never held someone’s hand like this. Even replied by kissing him lightly on the lips and tucking one of his curls behind his ear. They drove and drove. They talked about Even’s horrible taste in music and why Isak is studying biophysics. They talked about why Even loves film so much and he asked Isak if he can sketch him some day.

Even gave Isak his first goodnight kiss ever, right in front of Isak’s apartment door. No tongue, no teeth, no rushing or frantic energy. It was soft and lingering and perfect. Even’s palms were warm against Isak’s cheeks, his eyelashes tickling his skin, causing Isak’s heart to practically leap out of his own chest.

_Goodnight, Isak._ Even had whispered so, so softly.

_Goodnight, Blue Eyes._  

Isak never knew a heart could feel so full. His has been empty for so long now – hollow and calling out for something, anything to fill the vacant space.

But now – his was filled to the brim. Bursting with emotions he had never felt before. Nothing he had ever experienced in his whole entire life. Something warm and exciting and new.

Isak lays back on his bed now, phone pressed to his chest, staring at nothing particular until he lets his eyes fall shut.

He lets out a long, deep breath and listens to the beating of his heart as it speaks to him –

_Blue Eyes._

_Blue Eyes._

_Blue Eyes._

.

.

.

Magnus and Isak sit at the kitchen table as they eat breakfast. Magnus apparently wasn’t in the mood to cook today so Isak was stuck eating cereal – not knowing how to cook himself. Hell, he barely knew how to boil water.

_So,_ Magnus signs – his eyes alight with a kind of mischief Isak already knows he doesn’t like. _How was your date?_

Isak’s eyes narrow.

_I already told you it wasn’t a –_

_Oh, cut the shit,_ Magnus interrupts, not buying his friend’s bullshit for a second. _Tell me, Isak. Come on. So, you went on a date. What’s the big deal? You don’t want anyone to know that you’re an actual human being with a beating heart?_

Isak just holds up his middle finger.

But he sighs, looking down at the cheerios beginning to soften in his bowl.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to share with his friends. Sure, he’s an asshole who usually doesn’t show emotions, but his real friends know the real him. He’s not as much of a heartless douchebag as he pretends to be.

He’s just not sure about Even.

Isak has finally admitted to himself that he likes him. Really, really likes him. But that still didn’t mean shit. Not when Isak had a habit of self-destructing on a moment’s notice.

Isak looks up to find Magnus looking at him expectantly.

_Fine,_ Isak eventually signs, giving in. _It was that guy Even you met. We just went for some ice cream or whatever._

Isak has never seen Magnus smile so wide and Isak has never wanted to punch him in the face more than this moment.

_Yes! I knew it!_ Magnus signs excitedly _So? How was it?_

Even as Isak simply shrugs, he can feel his lips turning upward – like his body can’t help itself.

_It was okay._ Isak says, trying to stay casual. _He brought me to the beach and we just talked._

When Magnus doesn’t reply with any words, just a wide, irritating smile, Isak gets up and leaves the table.

He hates his friends, honestly.

.

.

.

**Blue Eyes** : _Are you telling me you’re studying on a Sunday just to get rid of me?_

Isak laughs softly under his breath.

**Isak** : _I swear I’m not_

**Blue Eyes** : _then you’re just a loser?_

**Isak** : _fuck off, blue eyes._

“You’re such a loser, Isak,” Mahdi laughs from across the room, coughing after one particularly deep hit from the bong.

Isak rolls his eyes. Did nobody else want to pass their classes?

Isak laughs, tossing his phone onto the table top, jotting some notes into his binder as his eyes scan the words in his text book, “I’m sorry I actually want to do well in school and have a career while you assholes smoke your life away.”

Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus are spread out around the living room, playing video games, and smoking as usually – while Isak sits at the kitchen table studying. He would normally study in his room but sometimes he just needs a change of scenery, no matter how loud and obnoxious his friends are.

“Fuck off,” Jonas says and signs. “I’m doing great in my classes. I’m just not some kind of over-achieving, show-off asshole.”

Before Isak can respond there is a knock at the door. He sighs, pushing out of his chair and moving over to open it to see Eva’s smiling face – a case of beers in one hand and a joint in the other.

“Surprise!”

.

.

.

Isak’s fingers run through the locks of Eva’s silky auburn hair – her head settled in his lap as he leans back against his headboard.

They made a quick escape to his room as soon as Eva stepped in and saw Jonas there.

It’s always a little tense and awkward when they’re in the same room for too long.

Eva’s eyes are closed, a small smile playing on her lips.

His best friend really is beautiful. He counts the light freckles scattered across her nose and the tops of her cheeks.

He bites his lip, hesitating for just a moment, debating on how to come out with the news. Knowing he needs to. Knowing he _wants_ too.

“I went on a date last night,” he says quietly – his heart flipping just the smallest amount as the words finally tumble out.

He holds his breath as he waits for his friend to reply.

He doesn’t really know what he’s going to say to any of the questions she has. He’s not sure he’s going to know the answers.

“Hmm,” Eva hums softly, eyes not opening. “How was he?”

Isak’s brows furrow as his hand stops moving through her hair.

“What?”

Her eyes flutter open. “In bed. I mean, you’re talking about fucking someone right? Must have been good if you’re bringing him up now.”

Isak can’t help it – he lets out a little laugh. Of course that’s where Eva’s mind goes first. He can’t blame her. What the fuck else would she think?

She blinks up at him with big, wide, questioning eyes.

“No,” Isak says, before clearing his throat and trying to will his nerves away. “I mean, yes, he is. But I mean that I went on a _date_ , date. Like, we went out together.”

There’s a silent pause in the room, the air crackling with tension and anticipation, as Eva just continues to look up.

When she finally responds all she says is, “What?”

Isak laughs and repeats, “A date.”

Eva’s eyebrows furrow.

“A _date_ , date?” she says.

Isak sighs, “Yes, Eva. That’s what I said. A date, date.”

“Like, just talking and fun? No sex?”

“No sex,” he pauses for a second. “Well, no penetration.”

And then suddenly a wide, happy, all white smile spreads across his best friend’s face. She sits up quickly, folding her legs and sitting directly across from Isak.

“Are you serious? Holy shit, Isak. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Fuck off,” he laughs with no real bite in his voice.

“How did he convince you?”

Isak shrugs even as a blush begins to spread across his cheeks, as his lips begin to lift softly, even as the butterflies begin to fill his stomach.

Eva must catch the expression on his face though – reading him like a book.

“Wait. Wait, wait, wait,” she says, shaking her head. “Holy shit. Holy _shit_ , Isak. Do you actually like this guy?” she asks, eyebrows lifting in question.

Isak licks his lips. There’s no turning back now. Now that he’s accepted the truth. Now that he’s gone on the date. Made these decisions that he can never take back.

Even’s gotten to Isak – under his skin in a way no one ever has. In a way that Isak thinks no one ever could.

“I think…I think I do,” Isak says quietly, eyes flicking away from Eva’s.

He stares down at his lap and tries not to give too much away as images of Blue Eyes fill his head, fill his heart.

_Fuck._

The blanket of silence covers the room again – stretching so long that Isak just can’t stand it anymore.

“Well, say something, Eva.”

“I don’t really know what to say,” she replies.

Isak laughs loudly.

“Yeah, me neither.”

“Is it that Even guy?” Eva asks.

Isak just nods.

He’s not exactly sure what he’s feeling.

_Overwhelmed._ That would be the word Isak would say is the closest.

He doesn’t know exactly what he’s scared of about this. He knows Eva would never judge him. She’ll tease him a little, be shocked like she obviously is, and demand to meet Even. But other than that, he knows he can trust Eva with anything and everything.

“Wow,” Eva says, “I swear I was waiting for you to tell me this was a prank or something.”

“Fuck off.”

“No, no,” Eva says quickly, scooting up and placing her head right on top of Isak’s as he continues to stare down at his lap.

Her touch is soft and comforting and delicate, and he realizes that this is it.

This feeling is what scares him.

Feeling this open, so raw and exposed. The weight of his words are final now. Out in the open now.

Isak doesn’t like not having the upper hand. He doesn’t like not knowing what a situation will bring because he’s not in charge of it.

He feels like his skin is being pulled back piece by piece, exposing every single part of his body.

“Hey,” Eva says quietly – pressing her fingertips beneath Isak’s chin until he’s forced to look up.

Her eyes are soft and caring like always.

“This is good, Isak,” she smiles. “So good. I mean, it’s just…shocking. But I’m happy for you.”

Isak shakes his head. He feels stupid, fucking tears begin to push their way forward, a forceful pressure begins to build behind his eyes.

He doesn’t know what the fuck is happening to him.

He’s turning into someone he doesn’t recognize. It scares the shit out of him. Even though a small part of him knows that it isn’t a bad thing. This feeling.

“Being in love is so, so good,” Eva continues – her eyes sparkling.

Isak scoffs, “I never said I was _in love_.”

Eva’s eyes roll.

“You never said you weren’t,” she says. Isak opens his mouth to continue but before he can, Eva continues. “Besides it doesn’t matter. Just liking someone this much is a miracle on its own. I need to fucking meet this guy. The person who caused Isak Valtersen’s stone-cold heart to beat again.”

Isak knows she means it as a joke but he can’t find the humor in the subject.

“What is it, boy?” Eva asks when Isak doesn’t laugh along with her.

Isak swallows the lump in his throat, “I just…look at you and Jonas. Look at Magnus – lovesick and broken. Love just doesn’t work. It’s just…I don’t want to end up like that.”

Eva isn’t offended by his words. She knows all of Isak’s opinions on love and especially her relationship with Jonas. He’s the one that rocked her while she cried and took care of her when she couldn’t take care of herself.

She nods, smiling beautifully, reassuringly.

She scoots forward even more, her legs touching her friend’s, she brings her hands up to cup Isak’s face delicately.

“Isak, I want you to listen to me,” Eva says – her hands gripping Isak’s face even tighter – and Isak has never seen her look so fierce, never had her look at him so intensely. “You’re assuming that it’s going to end before it even begins. I know you’re scared and I know why. And you know I understand. But I need you to understand. Me and Jonas? It has nothing to do with you and Even.”

Isak can feel himself begin to shake beneath her palms, his muscles tightening, his lip beginning to quiver.

He can see the tears begin to pool in Eva’s eyes, the water catching on her bottom lashes, the tops of her cheeks.

“And the love, Isak? The love was worth the pain. I know it sounds cliché and stupid and you’re going to want to roll your eyes a million times at me. The heartbreak, all the tears – I would go through it all again. I would go through the pain a million times over just so I could experience the love.”

Isak is speechless.

He’s never heard his friend speak with so much passion, so much seriousness. So truthfully.

And it rocks him to his very core.

A tear escapes his eye the same time it escapes Eva’s.

Isak lets out a shaky breath but no words.

He doesn’t have to say anything though, because Eva just knows.

She moves forward, wrapping her arms around her friend so, so tightly.

Isak buries his face in Eva’s shoulder, taking comfort in her strong embrace, wrapping his arms around her too.

“I love you, girl,” he whispers into her skin.

“I love you too, boy.”

.

.

.

**Dad** : _Isak. I have texted over 20 times now. Can you please answer me??_

Isak groans – tossing himself back onto the bed. Just one thing after the other.

Isak hasn’t been answering his father, who has been texting nonstop since the disaster that was supposed to be a family dinner.

Isak has thought about getting his number changed. Isak has thought about blocking his father’s number permanently instead of just blocking him, feeling bad, and unblocking him again. Yeah, his dad is a spineless asshole but he’s still Isak’s father. And despite what he said, Isak isn’t completely heartless.

But that also doesn’t mean he wants anything to do with his spineless piece of shit father.

**Isak** : _stop fucking texting me_

**Dad** : _I’m trying to say sorry son._

**Isak** : _ur always sorry_

Isak’s been hearing his father’s apologies since he was twelve years old. Around the same time Isak learned most of his important life lessons.

Like how words don’t mean shit when actions fail to follow.

The word sorry means less than nothing to Isak now.

He learned on the day that he lost her, that his sister was the only person who truly cared about him. Who loved him.

He learned that his parents had children out of obligation rather than the want to.

And that he was a burden to them.

Even now.

Terje ignores Isak’s comment, like always, as he texts back –

**Dad** : _Please come to dinner again, Isak. I promise it will be different. Your mother wants to apologize too._

Isak pauses – almost wanting to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of his father’s words. He’d bet anything that Marianne doesn’t even know her husband is contacting him and asking this. Terje would most likely tell her the day of so she’d just have to grin and bear it.

And Isak wishes he could get himself to text back what he really wanted. That he’d rather dowse himself in liter fluid and set himself on fire than be alone in a room with the two of them again.

But instead, he thinks of a solution to having to be alone with them.

It’s stupid. So, so, so fucking stupid.

But before he can catch up to his thoughts, before he even realizes what he’s saying, how horrible it is he’s typing back –

**Isak** : _only if I can bring my boyfriend_

Terje’s response comes quickly.

**Dad** : _We’ve spoken about this, Isak._

**Isak** : _I’m gay father. either we both come or neither of us do._

Isak holds his breath as the seconds tick by, turning into minutes, and then –

**Dad** : _Fine. This Saturday at 18._

Isak can’t help but smile, slightly smug, for being able to make his father cave so quickly.

This will drive Marianne crazy. And while Isak has let go of their disapproval long ago, not caring about convincing his parents that he will never be the perfect straight son they want him to be, he’s going to enjoy this. Rubbing it in their faces.

The fact that he is very much gay, very much not afraid to show it, and very much has a –

Isak stops, his phone slipping from his fingers, his eyes widening as it hits him hard – feeling as though the center of his chest has suddenly cracked by the force of it all.

_Holy. Shit._

_Boyfriend?_

_Actually asking Even to go?_

What the fuck did he just do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! Anyone else nervous about that dinner? 
> 
> Feedback means the world to me, lovelies <3.


	8. Would You Run Away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! 
> 
> Its been a while I know. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my horrible ability to update consistently. I'm lucky you guys are so understanding :) My classes at university are super demanding this semester so...yeah. 
> 
> But! Heres chapter 8...finally. 
> 
> Bad news: this chapter is quite short and doesn't include the "family" dinner.  
> Good news: I've extended this story to 12 chapters instead of just 10! And also this chapter has sweet, mushy Evak - so hopefully makes up for the shortness.
> 
> Also --- Side Note: Those of you who are also reading Crash Into Me and waiting for a chapter. I haven't abandoned it! So, no worries, just be patient with me please<3.
> 
> Also #2: My lovely editor Jenn didn't edit this chapter. So, any spelling/grammar mistakes are all my own. Please ignore them. I'm a horrible editor.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

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_"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."_

 

......

 

 

** 2010 **

_When he wakes up Isak notices that the sky has dimmed a bit, the clouds slowly starting to roll in over the sun’s rays. His back aches from sleeping so long on the hard ground – his neck stiff and sore._

_His music still blasts loudly through his earbuds._

_He yawns, yanking them out, before he sits up with a sigh. He looks up and has to squint towards the rushing river before him through blurry, sleepy eyes._

_“Lea,” he calls out loudly, not seeing her right away, “time to go.”_

_He begins to collect his things, stuffing it all in his backpack._

_He stands up, tossing his bag over his shoulder, taking a few steps towards the water._

_“Lea!” he calls again._

_He pauses – but the only thing he hears in reply to his words are the rushing of the water and the whip of the air around him._

_He swallows hard, his eyes moving quickly from left to right, his heartbeat begins to pick up speed._

_He moves faster towards the rushing water now. The sound of the sticks breaking beneath his feet and the pebbles being kicked only adds to his anxiety._

_He tries to calm himself down silently –_

Maybe she just wandered into the woods to go to the bathroom.

Or maybe she was just hiding. The siblings loved to prank each other.

_This definitely wasn’t a funny prank._

_“Lea!” Isak shouts, “this isn’t funny. I’m serious! Where are you?”_

_Still nothing._

_“Lea!”_

_Isak drops his bag as he reaches the edge of the river. By now his chest is heaving, his hands are shaking, and his heart feels like it might burst from his chest any minute now._

_He’s so, so stupid. He should never have fell asleep. He should have been watching her._

_The first thought that comes to his mind is that someone must have creeped up while he was sleeping, sneaking behind him and snatching her away without Isak hearing a thing._

_“Lea!” he yells again – his voice cracking with the emotions that course through him._

_And then he sees her – the color of her bright red dress catching his eye. She’s a few feet away, her back towards her brother, and she’s…not moving._

_Isak freezes for a moment – his body not quite catching up with the thoughts rushing through his head – the fear and sheer panic._

_And then he’s rushing forward – his skin burning underneath the harsh bite of the wind, the sound of his blood rushing in his ears, his breath caught in the back of his throat._

_Once he reaches his sister he drops to his knees right away, his hands reaching out, pulling her small unconscious body into his arms._

_His eyes run over her face, her arms, her barely moving chest – checking her for injuries._

_All he can see is red. The blood gushing from the top of her head – beginning to cake and harden in her hair, blending in with the red of her dress, dripping onto her chest and arms._

_“Lea!” Isak says – his voice shaking and frantic._

_He shakes her shoulders lightly, but he gets absolutely no response._

_He brings his quaking hands to her face, running his fingers over her cheeks, wiping away the blood covering the skin beneath her eyes, before making sure he can feel her breathing through her nose._

_He brings his ear down to her chest, pressing down as hard as he can, holding his own breath as he tries to concentrate on hers._

_He can feel her heartbeat. It’s there. But barely._

_He fumbles for his phone, tucked away in his back pocket and dials the emergency line._

_“Hello this is –“_

_Before the woman on the line can even finish speaking, the words begin to pour hysterically from his mouth._

_“It’s my sister! You have to come quick!”_

_“I’m sorry, you need to slow down, sir. What’s wrong with your sister?”_

_He pulls Lea closer to his chest, falling back on his ass as his thighs begin to shake from holding his weight._

_“She’s bleeding, and she won’t wake up. I- I think she fell.”_

_“Is she still breathing?”_

_“Yes! Yes! She’s breathing but she won’t wake up. Please, please, please come quick!”_

_“Okay, okay, I need you to calm down, okay?”_

Calm down? How the hell is he supposed to calm down?

_The woman on the line continues to speak, but her voice begins to fade, sounding farther and farther away._

_From the corner of his eye he sees it, he turns his head and his eyes lock on it, a single shoe – Lea’s single shiny white buckle up shoe floating down the river._

_The sight hits Isak hard._

_He doesn’t know why._

_He doesn’t want to believe it._

_But the sight of that shoe makes the hair on Isak’s arms rise, causes his heart to skip a beat or two, an unsettled feeling beginning to build in the pit of his stomach._

_And he knows something is way too wrong._

_It’s not going to be okay._

.

 

.

 

.

As soon as the door opens Isak is greeted by Even’s bright smiley face. He’s wearing a white cooking apron covered in splatters and stains and he has pasta sauce smeared across his left cheek.

Isak can’t help but smile back – his heart immediately warming inside of his chest.

“Hey!” Even greets him excitedly.

Isak chuckles, he moves forward and swipes his thumb across Even’s cheek, collecting some of the mess there. He brings his thumb to his lips and sucks the sauce off.

“Mmm,” he hums. “It’s good.”

And then suddenly Isak is being pulled forward by his shirt, causing him to stumble forward clumsily, until his chest is pressed firmly against Even’s.

The kiss is slow and sloppy and makes Isak’s toes curl the way they always do when Even’s lips are pressed against his.

Even smiles against his lips.

“Dinners almost done,” he says. “Come in.”

.

Something Isak’s learned is that Even is an amazing cook. And he loves to cook. He’s always trying new recipes and experimenting with meals. And Isak has absolutely no problem being the person who gets to test out those experiments. His mom and dad never really cooked when he was younger – finding it much easier to just order a pizza.

But Isak really isn’t hungry tonight.

He stares down at his plate of spaghetti and meatballs – pushing the food around mindlessly with his fork as he tries to work up the nerve to do what he needs to do.

“Just ask.”

Isak’s eyes flash up to Even’s as he stares back with an amused smirk playing on his lips.

“What?”

Even just keeps smiling as he speaks, “you always bite your lip and fidget when you have something on your mind. Or want to ask a question you’re unsure about. So, just ask.”

Isak tries to hide his surprise but he’s not sure it works.

He didn’t realize how much time he had to be spending with Even for the older boy to pick up on things like that. And in turn, he’s just now noticing that he’s picked up on Even’s little quirks too. Like the way he bites the inside of his cheek when he’s deep in thought. Or how his eyebrows pinch together when he’s watching a movie he really loves, as if he’s watching it for the first time all over again. And…how he loves experimenting with food.

“I’m very observant,” Even says – as if he can read Isak’s mind too.

Isak bites his lip harder – almost drawing blood at this point.

_His throat is closing. He swears his fucking throat is closing._

And all Even does is smile. Smile that fucking smile that makes Isak’s heart do somersaults.

“I need to ask you a favor,” Isak finally says.

Even nods, “okay.”

“My dad called me to apologize the other night and I…I really didn’t want to fucking go but – he kept apologizing and pushing and I just…I told him I would only come if I brought my…boyfriend.”

Isak has never, ever in his entire fucking life _fumbled_ when talking to a boy.

He glares down at his food, not wanting to see the look on Even’s face – probably a little amused, probably a little confused, probably so fucking _cute_.

It’s silent for a minute or two. Isak can’t tell. He swears if it goes on any longer that he’ll actually start to hear crickets.

_Stupid._

He’s so fucking stupid.

He should have never even –

“You have a boyfriend?”

Even’s voice is filled with humor and Isak’s skin is crawling. He wishes he could just melt away into the floor beneath him.

“Fuck off,” Isak mumbles – no fire behind his words.

“Reason number thirteen,” Even says softly.

Isak inhales deeply. He smiles like an idiot at the table. His heart begins to race and his stomach fills with lightness.

He’d never admit it out loud.

But Even’s reasons have become one of Isak’s favorite things in the world. Isak has never considered himself dateable. Obviously. But somehow, for some inexplicable reason, Even thinks he is. And hearing Even’s reasons, whether Isak agrees with them or not, are so incredibly heart-warming.

“You’re adorable when you’re nervous.”

“Fuck off, Even.”

Even’s laugh is as loud and boisterous as ever.

Isak continues to push his food around his plate until he hears Even’s chair scrape against the kitchen floor loudly.

And then his finger is sliding beneath Isak’s chin and he’s applying pressure and Isak is forced to tilt his head up.

Even’s eyes sparkle and his smile tugs on Isak’s heart in a way that makes the rest of the world fade away.

“I’d love to be your fake boyfriend for the night.”

Isak’s chest squeezes so tight.

He nods as Even plops back down into his seat.

“So, what movies do you want to watch tonight?”

.

 

.

 

.

Half an hour later Isak and Even are snuggled up on the couch.

Isak isn’t even sure what movie is playing. He’s too distracted.

He’s laid back with his head resting comfortably in Even’s lap as the older boy runs his long fingers through Isak’s curls. Isak is practically purring from the feeling.

Even’s light, simple touches still set Isak’s body and soul on fire.

And then Even speaks – so, so softly, “If I asked you to be my real boyfriend would you run away?”

The question catches Isak off guard.

And then Isak’s throat is dry and his hands are sweaty, and he wants to run and hide. But he also… _doesn’t_.

He squeezes his eyes tightly shut and lets himself just…be.

_Just tell the truth. Just let go._

He’s so tried. So sick and tired of hiding. Of worrying. Of running. From his parents, from his feelings, from himself.

Even makes him want to hold on instead of let go.

He feels safe here in Even’s home, comforted by his gentle touches, amazed by his every word.

“I’d want to,” Isak says, speaking the truth with a racing heart, “but I’d also…not want to.”

One short pause later Even replies, and Isak can hear the smile in his voice, “I’ll take that.”

And then – “Reason number fourteen. You don’t want to run away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Love? Hate? 
> 
> Please let me know! It means everything and keeps me going <3.


	9. Nothing Like the Bond of Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I disappear for months and really suck at being an ao3 author :'( hahaha.
> 
> You know who doesn't suck though? My lovely editor Jenn <3\. Thank you for putting up with my horrible grammar/typos and being so fast!
> 
> But I AM back! :) hello. 
> 
> Thank you for all your patience and understanding, lovelies <3\. 
> 
> Anyway, heres chapter 9! Hope you all enjoy.

.

 

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_“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”_

_......_

 

Isak has Even beneath him.

And he is so beautiful like this.

A lovely rosy flush coloring his cheeks, spreading across his neck and down to his chest – which is heaving.

His eyes are closed, his head is thrown back and Isak can’t believe how fucking gorgeous this man is. And how fucking lucky Isak is to be able to touch him like this. Kiss him like this. Give him pleasure like this.  

Isak moves to place his lips against the heated skin of Even’s throat. He darts his tongue out to collect the sweat gathered there and loves how sweet he tastes.

Even’s hands are currently beneath Isak’s shirt, hands moving across Isak’s back, pulling him closer – as closely as he possibly can.

“Isak,” Even says breathily.

Isak leaves a trail of hot, wet kisses along Even’s throat until he reaches Even’s own lips – quickly slipping his tongue into his waiting, needy mouth.

The noises Even makes are driving Isak wild.

Isak pulls back, smiling lightly as Even tries to chase his kiss, and then he whispers, “Can I fuck you?”

Even’s eyes flutter open at the words. His pupils are large and black, and lust blown.

For a few moments Even doesn’t say anything, just breathes heavily through his pink parted lips, his gaze not moving from Isak’s. His eyes are both soft and wild, frantic and delicate.

“What?” Isak asks, voice low and rough. “What is it?”

Isak’s eyes follow the way the older boy’s Adam’s apple bobs, how his tongue trails slowly along his bottom lip, how his eyelids continue to flutter.

“You don’t want to?” Isak asks when Even still doesn’t reply.

The boy beneath him shakes his head frantically, his eyes widening in what looks like panic. He just now seems to realize that he hasn’t said anything yet.

“No, no, I do,” Even breathes out. “I _really_ do. I just…uhm, I’ve never…”

Isak waits for him to finish. But he doesn’t. He just continues to stare up at Isak, eyes wide, blinking slowly.

And when Isak sees the red on Even’s cheeks burn even brighter, deeper. When Isak notices the way Even begins to squirm beneath him slightly and flick his stare away a few times – Isak realizes.

_Oh._

_Oh, oh._

_Shit._

Isak swallows the lump that suddenly appears at the back of his throat.

_Shit._

_Even has never done this before._

_He’s never been the one being fucked._

Isak’s reaction to this new information is visceral. He can’t help it. His skin burns and his toes curl and his entire body shakes.

He doesn’t know why, but knowing that Isak will be the first person to do this with Even, the first person to see him like this, feel him like this, touch him like this. It makes his chest puff out just a bit, makes the blood in his body rush downwards between his legs.

“Nobody’s ever fucked you before?” Isak asks for confirmation.

Even pauses for just a moment before he shakes his head slowly, bringing his bottom lip between his teeth.

Isak has never seen Even this way – shy and bashful. It’s new and interesting and not completely unpleasant. It’s… _cute._

Isak exhales sharply. His entire body shuddering against Even’s.

“And you, uhm, you want me to…” Isak’s voice trails off, wanting to know just how sure Even is.

His blue eyes are filled with nothing but openness and softest, his expression completely earnest and honest as he nods.

“I do,” Even says. “I really do.”

And just like Even trusts Isak to be the first person to do this, Isak trusts that Even is telling him the truth.

So, he nods down at Even, smiles lightly, before leaning in to capture Even’s lips with his own.

He really is beautiful.

.

.

.

This is the very first time Isak has held hands with someone who wasn’t Eva or his sister.

He realizes it as soon as Even’s hand first touches his, curling his fingers in between Isak’s own – like they were always meant to be there.

And they walk just like that. Hand in hand.

And to Isak’s surprise, nothing changes.

The sky doesn’t fall, the ground doesn’t shake, the earth doesn’t crumble from beneath his feet. The birds continue to sing, the sun is still shining, and Even’s hand is warm and soft in his.

Isak can see Even’s small smirk from the corner of his eye.

“Shut up,” Isak mumbles grumpily.

Even’s smile grows.

“I didn’t say anything,” he replies.

“You didn’t need to.”

“Reason number fifteen,” Even says, “I love the way your hand feels in mine.”

Isak heart flips.

But he says, “Fuck off.”

The walk from Even’s apartment to the diner is fairly short, which Isak isn’t quite sure he’s happy about.

The closer they get to the diner, the more sweat gathers at the back of Isak’s neck and back. His steps stutter and his hand begins to shake in Even’s.

“Isak,” Even says, “calm down.”

“I am calm,” Isak grunts back.

All Even does in return is smile that annoyingly charming smile.

“ _What_?” Isak groans, pulling his hand from Even’s.

Even stops short suddenly, yanking Isak back with him, turning him and holding him firmly by his shoulders.

Isak blinks up at the other boy in confusion.

Even’s expression is soft and open. A small smile on his lips. Caring. _Loving._

It makes Isak’s stomach flutter-flip.

“Isak,” Even says softly, “I would absolutely love to meet your friends. I’ve been waiting for you to ask actually. But if this is too soon for you, we can turn around right now, okay? We don’t have to do this until you’re ready.”

And Isak melts. Right then and there. He might as well be a puddle on the floor.

He doesn’t know how Even manages to do this. How he always says the right thing. How he can always make Isak’s tightly wound muscles begin to loosen, how he manages to take the fences that Isak has built around his heart and take them down piece by piece.

Isak takes a deep breath, his lips turning up at the corners on their own accord.

And he can’t believe this.

It’s happening.

It’s _actually_ fucking happening.

He’s fought this so hard. Did everything he possibly could to keep this away from him, out of his life, as far away from his heart as possibly.

He pushes people away and fights with every single cell in his body to keep himself hidden away from the rest of the world.

But this boy. This fucking boy.

Even Bech Næsheim.

He’s managed to break through the farce.

And right now, looking up into Even’s lovely blue eyes. Eyes filled with so many dreams, so much compassion, so much kindness and care. No one has ever looked at Isak like that.

And Isak just knows.

He’s falling for this boy.

He’s falling in love with Even.

It’s fucking terrifying. The most terrifying thing Isak has ever experienced in his whole entire life.

But it’s also the most amazing, beautiful thing he’s ever felt. The beauty pumping through his body, the love through his heart.

Isak moves his hands to cup Even’s face between his palms, before lifting up onto his tiptoes and pressing his lips softly to the other boy’s.

And then he whispers so, so softly, “I want you to meet them. It’s just that I’ve never introduced anyone to my friends like this before. It’s new.”

And he isn’t scared to admit this. Not to Even. Because he knows his words are safe here. _He’s_ safe here.

Even smiles against his lips, “I’m honored to be the first.”

.

So, apparently Even’s charm works on literally everyone.

Isak has been kicked out of any conversation being had.

Eva is smitten, leaning forward, completely captivated, hanging on every word that Even says.

And Isak can’t blame her. Even had Isak at hello too, even if Isak didn’t know it at the time. From the first time Even smiled Isak’s way – it was a done deal.

“So,” Eva starts, she has a twinkle in her eye that Isak just knows means trouble. “What made you even go after Isak? He’s an asshole.”

Isak rolls his eyes, leaning back in the booth and letting the conversation continue without his two cents.

“He was grumpy and cute,” Even shrugs, looking back at Isak for a moment with a smirk that makes Isak’s cheeks heat up.

Eva chuckles and Magnus smiles. They both look genuinely happy for Isak. As much as they love to tease him, he knows they love him and just want him to be happy too.

It’s true, what Isak told Even, Isak has never brought anyone around to meet his friends. Not even a hook-up. Julian was an exception just because Eva and Magnus actually knew him first from a few classes.

This is completely new territory.

Eva sips her iced tea, shaking her head in disbelief in Even’s direction, like she’s still waiting for him to just disappear into thin air.

“I really never thought I’d see the day,” she says.

“See the day for what?” Even asks.

Magnus chuckles, chiming in and finishing Eva’s thought. He uses his voice as he speaks, “The day that Isak Valtersen says the word boyfriend and doesn’t burst into flames.”

“Excuse you,” Isak finally speaks up, “I never said the word boyfriend.”

Even just laughs.

Isak is amazed at the way he just accepts this all so easily. Isak and his relationship with his friends. This quirky back and forth. Even’s patience will never cease to amaze him.

“Actually,” Even says, smile high and wide on his face, “you did tell your parents you were bringing your boyfriend to dinner. That happens to be me. Unless, your plans have changed, and you haven’t told me about it.”

“Meet the parents?” Eva asks, eyes widening in surprise, whipping her head towards Isak so quickly you’d think she have whiplash.

“I know, I know,” Isak sighs. “It’s a horrible idea. But…” Isak trails off.

Even takes Isak’s hand from under the table, squeezing slightly.

“Yeah,” Eva nods, “bad idea is an understatement. Are you sure you should – “

“Hey, hey, hey now,” Even cuts her off. “I think I’m charming enough to win them over, no?”

And the subject it dropped.

“So, when am I learning sign language?”

Isak looks over to Even, eyes wide, heart in his throat.

“You want to learn?” he asks.

“Of course.”

“You…plan on being around that long?”

“Of course. As long as you’ll have me.”

Isak’s eyes are glued to Even’s, smile spread across both of their faces, hearts matching in beats.

And then the moment is broken with Eva’s loud – “Oh my fucking god.”

.

.

.

Isak doesn’t think his heart has ever raced like this. So fast it feels like his chest is about to burst open. Like his body is about to rip open and blow to pieces.

Even and he have been sitting in the car for at least twenty minutes. If Isak’s parents have noticed, they haven’t done anything.

Isak’s entire body is trembling. His ears are ringing. His lungs are collapsing.

And then Even is reaching over and taking Isak’s hand in his own. It’s warm and soft and sweet.

Isak lets out a shaky breath and turns his head towards the other boy.

Even’s eyes shimmer-shine under the light of the moon. They scream what they always do – understanding and honestly.

“Isak,” he says softly, voice as soft as velvet. “We don’t have to do this, you know. We can turn around right now. You don’t owe them anything.”

Isak nods.

“I know,” he says. “I just…I want them to see.”

Even’s brows furrow, “See what?”

Isak looks down at the boy’s interlocked hands and his lips curl up on their own accord at the sight. He’s never felt so safe just from his hand simply laying in another person’s. But he does.

Even makes him feel everything. Absolutely everything.

Happiness. Fear. Hope. Terror. Joy.

 _Love_.

 _Fuck_.

“You,” Isak replies, “me. I want them to see me happy. I want them to see…us. That I’m not just some miserable college student wasting his life away. I want them to know that this isn’t a phase. I’m not going to show up one day suddenly straight with a pretty girl. This is me.”

Even squeezes Isak’s hand until he tilts his chin up. Even is smiling that smile that makes Isak’s heart flutter in the most beautiful way.

“Well, let’s go show them then.”

.

.

.

“This is ridiculous!” Marianne yells, her heels skidding across the floor as she stomps back and forth, making Isak cringe with every step. “You agreed to this Terje?”

Isak rolls his eyes.

_Of fucking course his father would chicken out and not tell his mom that Isak was bringing a date._

“You didn’t tell her, Dad?”

Terje looks like a deer caught in the headlights, looking back and forth between his son and his wife.

“Marianne,” Terje sighs, “can we please not make a big deal out of this?”

“Not make a big deal?” she shrieks. “Not a big deal? This is an abomination. You let our son drag this filth into our house?”

Isak lets out a small chuckle.

“By filth, do you mean my boyfriend?” he asks. “Even.”

Isak doesn’t know where this forwardness is coming from. He’s never usually this aggressive about this subject. He lets it go. He doesn’t bring it up. He lets his parents have their beliefs and ignores the elephant in the room.

Like he’s told Even, it doesn’t matter to him anymore. It’s easier to just live his life separate from theirs.

But something about having Even here, having his mother talk so harshly about them and their relationship right in front of him – it gets Isak’s blood pumping. It makes him want to scream, to punch, to fight. To defend Even in any way, he possibly can.

Marianne stops, turning on her heel and moves towards Isak.

Terje tries to put his hand out to block her but she simply pushes it away. And his father, like always, backs down immediately.

“Boyfriend?” Marianne scoffs, gesturing to Even carelessly, not even sparing the other boy a glance.

Her eyes are locked directly on Isak – cold as ice.

“This is your fucking _boyfriend_? Don’t be foolish. We’ve talked about this, Isak. People go through phases. Especially for boys like you.”

“Boys like me?” Isak asks – voice rising.

Even reaches out to grab Isak’s hand, but this time it doesn’t do much to calm Isak’s nerves.

“ _Yes_ ,” Marianne says back – the bite in her voice slicing through the room harshly, “spoiled, stupid boys who just like acting out.”

“Oh fuck – “

“Excuse me,” Even says, taking everyone in the room by surprise. His voice is calm and steady, almost polite. “I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t speak to him that way.”

Marianne looks over to Even for the first time. Her perfectly sculpted eyebrow raising.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

Isak finally looks over to the boy beside him. And he just now notices how stiff Even’s posture is. How the veins in his neck are beginning to bulge and his jaw is clenched so tightly that it must be painful.

He looks like he’s holding back. He looks like Isak feels inside.

“Who do you think you are, young man?” Marianne all but yells. “Coming into my house. Speaking to me like – “

“With all due respect, ma’am,” Even cuts in. “Isak is my boyfriend and I’m not going to let him be treated like garbage right in front of me. So, we can all just relax, calm down, and have a nice dinner. Or Isak and I can turn around and walk right out that door.”

The room is silent following his words. The constant buzz makes the air tenser and the emotions run higher.

Marianne turns her eyes towards her son a final time.

And Isak knows it’s coming. He doesn’t know exactly how she’s going to say it or how many more ways she can say it, how many more ways she can pass the blame to him. Make him feel so small that he could disappear altogether.

He would try to prepare himself but at this point there’s no reason to. It doesn’t matter how many times he hears it, how many times he tries to prepare himself, it always hurts just the same.

“It should have been you,” Marianne says, voice low and harsh and void of any emotion. “Lea would be so ashamed.”

And nothing has ever hit Isak’s heart so fucking hard, the air leaves his lungs like he’s been punched in the get.

Even Terje gasps, turning towards his wife, “Marianne!”

“Come on, Isak,” Even says, pulling Isak along with him. “It’s time to go.”

.

.

.

The ride home seems never ending but when they reach home the boys end up in bed, on their sides, face to face. Even is running his fingers along Isak’s face, tracing his lips, his cheekbones, the tops of his eyelids.

The only sound in the room is their steady breathing and the thoughts that Isak knows are swirling around inside Even’s head.

He waits. Waits for Even to ask, like he knows he will. He knew that inviting Even to dinner meant inviting this into his life. The questions, the curiosity. Isak isn’t one hundred percent sure he’s ready to answer all of those questions. But he knows he’s not as scared as he once was. He feels safe here with this boy. Safer than he has ever felt with anyone in his entire life.

And he just knows that it’s going to be okay.

It’s a few more minutes before Even speaks, his voice soft and gentle, “You know what I’m wondering.”

Isak nods.

Even lays his palm flat against Isak’s cheek – so warm and soothing.

Isak opens his eyes to find Even’s locked on him.

_Such a gentle blue today. A perfect mix of dark and light._

Isak licks his lips, trying to find the right words to begin. He knows now that he really does want to tell Even this. He wants Even to know him, all of him. He needs to know what he’s getting himself into with the younger boy.

“I told you they don’t like me,” Isak says, chuckling lightly.

Even rolls his eyes.

His sweet breath touched Isak’s lips.

“Isak,” he says, “come on. It can’t just be that you’re gay. Your mom is…”

“Horrible,” Isak finishes for him.

Even nods before asking oh-so softly, “Who is Lea?”

Isak lets out a shaky breath. He hasn’t heard his sisters name spoken out loud in so long. He can’t remember the last time he’s heard her name uttered so casually, without tragedy attached to the inflection. He swears the last time he’s heard it was that day. The worst day of his life.

Isak already feels the water begin to build behind his eyes.

“The thing is…” Isak says shakily, “I was supposed to be watching her.”

Isak’s hands move without his permission, fingers wrapping tightly around the fabric of Even’s shirt, needing something to hold onto. Needing something to keep him steady as his insides do back flips.

He doesn’t look Even in the eyes. He knows that they’ll be so warm and gentle and understanding and Isak just can’t handle that right now. He deserves the sharpness in his chest.

“She…she loved to go to the river. My parents were always too busy to take her, which really just meant that they didn’t want to,” Isak says softly, his words hitting Even’s chest.

And then he’s rambling, spilling his guts, letting every detail fall from his lips – “So, I took her sometimes. I didn’t really want to. I mean, I was a stupid twelve-year-old boy, you know? I loved her, but I didn’t always want to be hanging out with my little sister. But it was her birthday. She just turned nine. And she begged me to take her there.”

Isak can feel his hands begin to tremble, so he squeezes the fabric of Even’s shirt even tighter, so tight that it hurts.

Even doesn’t say anything. His hands rub small soothing circles on his boyfriend’s back and his soft breath touches the top of Isak’s head. But he doesn’t say anything, he waits patiently.

A sob begins to build steadily in Isak’s chest as tears move down his cheeks.

Isak can’t remember the last time he’s cried. Especially in front of anybody else but himself.

“I was so fucking _stupid_ ,” he cries. “I put my music on and laid down and before I knew it, I was asleep. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I really, really didn’t. And…and when I woke up I couldn’t find her, Even! I was screaming for her and running but she wouldn’t answer. That wasn’t like her. Lea was smart. She knew not to go off with a stranger or wander too far, but she wasn’t answering, and I couldn’t…I didn’t…”

Isak is full on sobbing now. His words coming out strangled and barely understandable. Even holds him tighter, pulls him closer, tries to quiet him down but Isak just keeps going, the gates opened now –

“She fell. She fell and hit her head and I was too late. She was already gone and I didn’t even know it. She was already brain dead by the time we got to the hospital.”

“Shh, shh,” Even says quietly, trying to get Isak to calm down a bit. “It’s okay.”

He is shaking uncontrollably, unable to catch his breath.

“It’s not okay!” Isak yells, shoving himself away from Even’s hold.

Even’s eyes widen at the force of Isak’s push.

Isak sits up and glares down at the boy beneath him. He needs Even to understand this. He needs him to see why Isak’s no good for him. Why he’s no good for anybody.

How could anybody love him when even his own parents don’t? When Isak doesn’t himself?

“Don’t you get it, Even?” Isak practically shouts the words. “Don’t you see? If was all my fault. I was supposed to be watching her. That’s all I had to do. And I couldn’t even do that right. It’s my fault she’s dead. And my parents? They have a right to be horrible. Because they know it’s my fault too. They _should_ hate me!”

“Isak!” Even says loudly, sitting up and taking Isak’s face between his hands.

Isak can feel now just how hot his face is, he can feel the sweat beginning to form at his hairline and the base of his neck, he can feel his heart pound against his ribs, behind his eyes, inside his neck.

“Isak, you need to breathe,” Even says softly. “Just take a deep breath, okay? In and out.”

Isak’s body follows the instructions on its own. His teeth immediately unclench, and air fills his lungs deeply.

Even breaths with him – slow and steady – until Isak no longer feels like he’s dying.

Blue eyes sparkle with the understanding and compassion Isak knew they would. And he can’t help but sink right into them. He falls forward and buries his face into the crook of Even’s neck. He breathes him in – body wash and rosemary.

Isak’s arms make their way back up and loop tightly around Even’s neck. He clings to the older boy like his life depends on it.

His body is completely drained now.

He’s never said everything out loud like that. He’s never taken responsibility in front of another person. He’s never let the words fall from his lips, instead he’s kept them inside, letting them scream at him, loudly like a thunderstorm on a summer night, eating away at him from the inside out.

It’s quiet for a bit while Even lets Isak settle down. When his body stops quivering and his breath returns to normal Even finally speaks –

“You’re such a beautiful person, Isak,” he says.

His voice is so strong and so sure that Isak has no choice but to listen. No choice but to let the words reach inside of him and touch his heart.

He continues, “Inside and out. People make mistakes, Isak. Small ones. Big ones. You were just a kid. You were just a fucking kid. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

Isak lets out a shaky breath, tightening his grip around Even’s shoulders. He wants to believe the older boy’s words. He really, really does.

“We’re all just skin and bone, Isak. Human. We have flaws. And, yes, something absolutely horrible happened. Something that shouldn’t have. But it wasn’t your fault, okay? It wasn’t your fault.”

And for a moment – Isak lets himself believe those words. He feels himself nod against his boyfriend. He snuggles closer to him when Even lays back down. He holds onto him and doesn’t let go.

He’s safe here.

He’s home here.

“You don’t have to keep it inside anymore, okay?” Even says. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

_He’s here._

_He’s here._

_Even is here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo? What did you think? Is it what you were expecting? Better? Worse? Let me know. Comments make me smile <3.
> 
> I know this one is a little short but next chapter should make up for that!
> 
> Again thank you all so much for being so patient and understanding with me.


	10. Official

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes.......I'm alive. 
> 
> I'm sorry I'm such a horrible ao3 writer and disappear for months. But you're all so wonderful and I cannot even explain how much I appreciate your love and support and continued comments <3\. Anyone who is still here...thank you. Just thank you so much.
> 
> Also, anyone who reads Crash Into Me the story is NOT abandoned and I am working on getting the next few chapters finished and in order! So, don't give up on me just yet.
> 
> Lastly, quick warning - this chapter is quite short, I know, but the last two chapters will definitely not be. I'm almost done writing them and they're quite long actually. This is a bit of a filler chapter BUT it's also a sweet one that I really wanted to include :) so I hope you enjoy anyway!
> 
> Please ignore any silly spelling for grammar mistakes. There might be a lot of them this time.

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_“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”_

_......_

 

 

Isak doesn’t have gloves on his wind-chapped ice-cold hands but he refuses to let go of Even’s equally frozen hand. Because no matter how cold it may be outside, holding Even's hand has never made Isak's insides feel so warm.

Isak watches the snowflakes flutter down – catching on Even’s eyelashes, his cheeks, the hair peeking out from beneath his beanie.

And Isak just wants to kiss them all away, warm him up, make him smile.

It’s the sappiest shit he’s ever thought about in his whole life. But Isak is getting used to that. Thinking about things he never has before – silly, sappy, embarrassing thoughts.

“You’re staring,” Even says with a smile, peeking over at Isak quickly.

Isak smiles too. A week ago, Isak would have been so embarrassed by being caught gazing at Even like a love-sick fool. But now, today, Isak can’t bring himself to care about embarrassment. In fact, he wants Even to know that he was staring. He wants Even to know just how beautiful he is to Isak.

“I know,” Isak says.

Even laughs, squeezing Isak’s hand a little tighter.

They walk a few more minutes in silence. Nothing but the sound of snow crunching beneath their boots and nothing in sight but the yellow glow of the streetlights.

“So,” Even’s voice eventually breaks the silence, “it’s official?”

“Hmm?” Isak looks over to see Even’s eyes on him – wide and curious.

“Us,” Even says.

And he stops walking, causing Isak to be pulled back by his hand, almost slipping and falling into the snow. He reaches out and steadies himself by placing his hands on Even’s shoulders. He laughs lightly and looks up into Even’s eyes.

_Winter blue._

_His eyes are winter blue tonight._

“You introduced me to Jonas and Mahdi as your boyfriend tonight,” Even says, “does that make us official? You’re my boyfriend?”

And Isak just laughs, stretching up onto his tip-toes to kiss his boyfriend’s lips. But then Even pulls away from him to avoid it. He raises his eyebrows and waits for Isak’s answer. And that’s when Isak realizes that this silly, silly boy is asking the question seriously.

“Weren’t we official yesterday?” Isak says, “I mean, everything with my parents and everything we said I just assumed…”

Even nods. He doesn’t say anything for what feels like a century even though Isak rationally knows it’s just a moment or two.

Now, he’s beginning to feel self-conscious. Like he’s made a mistake by just assuming that they were boyfriends now because of one night. He knows they never really said it privately, never agreed on anything, but it seemed like Even wanted this just as much as Isak did.

His heartbeat begins to stutter, speeding a little more with each second that passes.

Even’s eyes are soft and kind but otherwise don’t give much away. So, Isak is stuck hanging onto nothing as he impatiently waits for Even to say something. To say anything.

Isak holds his breath.

“I…I don’t know,” Even finally says, “I thought maybe it was just for show, you know? For your parents. I wasn’t sure if you really meant it. I mean, I wanted you to mean it, but I wasn’t sure. And then after everything that happened with your parents I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t know if you wanted to –”

Isak cuts his silly, rambling, adorable boyfriend off with a laugh and a kiss. It’s just a peck – their lips both cold and chapped from the winter chill.

And when the boys pull apart they are both smiling. Isak cradles Even’s face delicately between his palms.

“Of course, you’re my boyfriend,” Isak says, “as long as you want me to be yours.”

Even doesn’t even bother replying. Just smiles wider, lets his eyes shine brighter, and kisses Isak’s lips, before moving to place soft kisses on his cheeks, both his eyelids, finishing with the tip of his nose.

Isak giggles.

“Shit,” he breathes the words out in a laugh, “my first official boyfriend.”

Even laughs, pulling away from Isak to be extra and bow in front of him, “And I am honored.”

Isak rolls his eyes but the smile that spreads across his face is inevitable.

“Idiot.”

Even reaches out and grabs his boyfriend’s hand again, intertwining their fingers, as they continue their walk home.

Even squeezes Isak’s hand, and he squeezes Even’s back.

And Isak doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy in his whole life.

They walk for a little while longer in comfortable silence. And with how empty the streets are, how quiet the night is, it’s easy to pretend that they are the only two people in the whole wide world.

“I do have to tell you something though,” Even says eventually.

“Hmm, and what’s what?”

“Well,” Even’s voice is soft as he speaks, shaky, almost…nervous.

This throws Isak a little considering their previous conversation. So, he looks over to his boyfriend who just continues to stare ahead. He’s biting his lip in what seems to be nervousness.

Isak’s brows furrow at the sudden change in his posture which suddenly seems to slump forward.

“Just, uhm,” Even continues, clears his throat, bites his lip again. He hesitates to continue.

Isak sighs. He doesn’t want Even to ever be afraid to tell him anything. He’s never trusted anyone as much as he’s trusted the boy right beside him.

“It’s okay, Even,” he tells him, “say it.”

Even takes a deep breath, as if he’s preparing for something, something terribly wrong.

Isak can feel his boyfriend’s hand begin to shake in his own and it makes it want Isak to stop and pull him into a hug.

“Before we make it official, official. There’s something you should know,” Even says, taking one final deep breath, “I’m bipolar.”

Even stops in his tracks once again, but this time Isak sees it coming, so he stops too.

And he hates what he sees when he turns towards the boy beside him.

He knows that look. He knows that feeling. Isak has seen that look so many times etched across his own face, felt that feeling deep within his own chest – panic. Fear. The anticipation of rejection.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Isak asks.

“I don’t know,” Even says, “I guess the same reason you didn’t tell me about Lea. I was scared.”

Even’s eyes close and Isak can tell he’s holding his breath in anticipation for the blow. The realization that this is where Isak leaves. As if he ever could.

Isak doesn’t know much about bipolar disorder, but from what he does know it consists of ups and downs in mood changes. A mental illness that’s manageable with medication.

He steps forward – determined and filled with so much love he feels like he might burst at the seams. He cups Even’s face between his palms which causes the older boy’s eyes to flutter open.

_Blue with sadness._

_His eyes are blue with sadness._

Isak smiles – ready to erase that blue – make sure it never fills those eyes again.

“I don’t know much about bipolar disorder,” Isak says simply, “will you teach me?”

And Even stares. Just stares and stares. For a minute. And then two. And then three.

And when the smile finally spreads across his face – Isak matches it with his own.

Even lets out a loud laugh.

_Blue with happiness._

_His eyes are blue with happiness._

“Of course,” he tells Isak.

They just stand there smiling like idiots.

“Reason number sixteen,” Even smiles, “you’re my boyfriend.”

“Ugh, shut the fuck up.”

.

.

.

The next morning when Isak wakes up and makes his way to the kitchen – he doesn’t think his heart has ever felt so full.

There sitting at the table is Magnus and Even.

Even’s face is scrunched in what looks like determination and concentration as Magnus attempts to teach him a few simple signs.

Isak can’t help the wide smile that spreads across his face at the sight. He doesn’t know if it’s because of how heartwarming it is to see Even stick to his word, or how adorably confused he looks, or some mixture of the both. But either way his smile doesn’t drop as he continues to watch the two from the kitchen archway.

Isak doesn’t know how long he stands there but eventually Magnus catches sight of him and smiles.

“Isak!”

Even turns around instantly and Isak’s heart still clenches and his stomach fills with butterflies no matter how many times he’s seen that smile spread across his boyfriend’s face.

He’s not sure that will ever change. And he’s not sure he ever wants it to.

 _Good morning,_ Even signs with a look of pride.

The sign is sloppy and not completely correct but it’s still perfect.

 _Good morning,_ Isak signs back, _how are you?_

The look of pride falls from Even’s face and blankness takes over.

“Magnus hasn’t taught me that yet.”

Isak laughs loudly as he walks over to the table, leaning down and planting a quick kiss on Even’s lips, and making his way to the coffee pot.

“I said how are you,” Isak clarifies.

“Oh!” Even exclaims, his smile returning – _Good,_ he signs.

Magnus has a smile glued to his face as he signs, _you guys are so cute._

 _Shut up,_ Isak signs back.

_He’s horrible at learning to sign by the way._

Isak chuckles.

“Okay, you guys can’t do that.”

Magnus’ eyes widen innocently, “Do what?”

“Talk about me when I’m right here in the room.”

“We weren’t talking about you!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

The rest of the morning is filled with coffee and pancakes and kisses and it’s absolutely amazing.

.

.

.

 _So,_ Magnus signs, smile still in place. _Now that Even has left. Let’s talk._

Isak rolls his eyes.

_Talk about what?_

Isak sits across his friend at the kitchen table, both of them sipping coffee.

 _Oh, fuck off Isak!_ Magnus signs, _this has never happened before._

_I know._

_And?_

_And what, Magnus?_

Isak knows what Magnus is getting at. What does this mean for Isak? Is he actually happy? Is this actually a real thing?

But Isak being Isak plays ignorant of course. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he’s gotten a little softer in the middle. Maybe his rough edges are beginning to become just the slightest bit smoother.

And if anyone knows Isak – it’s Magnus.

So, the blonde just smiles sweetly, tilting his head to the side and staring at Isak with a soft expression.

 _I don’t think I’ve ever seen you genuinely happy._ He signs.

Isak blinks. And blinks again.

There is a beat. And then two. And then three.

And Isak’s stomach is warm and his heart is full and there’s not a single bone in his body that wants to disagree with Magnus’ statement.

So, he doesn’t.

 _Yeah, yeah,_ Isak signs. _I think it really is._

.

 

.

 

.

By the time noon ticks around, Isak is laying on the couch with his eyes glued to his phone.

 **Dad** : _Isak, I’ve been calling nonstop. Please answer._

 **Dad** : _I’m sorry I didn’t tell your mother._

 **Dad** :  _I just didn’t know what to do_

 **Dad** : _Please answer me._

 **Dad** : _Maybe you and me can meet somewhere without your mother._

 **Dad** : _you can bring your boyfriend._

 **Dad** : _Isak please_

Isak rolls his eyes. His father never knows what to do. Never knows what to say. Never knows how to be a father.

And that’s not Isak’s problem. Not anymore.

He deletes all of the messages.

He has Even now.

And that’s all he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! :D Let me know you're all still here and on board.


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